


Hurt

by SetoAngel01



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Sad, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-04-22 19:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 34
Words: 90,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4847132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SetoAngel01/pseuds/SetoAngel01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raphael is dead. It's a reality his brothers simply will not accept; along with April, they are going to do whatever it takes, even alter time, in order to get him back. (Continuation from Hurt)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fractured

**Author's Note:**

> Raphril Week 2015 - Day 2 - Hurt

April and Raphael remained busy finishing up their practice patrol one late night in the rundown area of New York’s downtown district.

Raph had taken it upon himself to teach her the art of ninjitsu more seriously, since he was the only one of the turtles to not go easy on her, Splinter thought him perfect for the task.

Raph protested.

April squealed in delight before punching him in the arm.

At first, it was difficult reigning in his new student simply because of his lack of patience, which was a necessary teaching skill. It took many months of bumps, bruises, and screams of frustration, but after arduous determination, April had decent knowledge and skill as a kinouichi to hold her own in a fight -- even being passed by Splinter to go on nightly patrol.

Raph still had some doubts about allowing her to go on patrol this soon. Even after more than half a year of training alone with her, and as much as she’d improved over that time, they still had fourteen years of experience on her. He didn’t think it was unnecessary for her to be out there -- not just for her own safety, but with just her presence alone, he knew he and his brothers would easily become distracted by making sure she wasn’t being targeted.

April begged him to give her a chance.

Raph, against his better judgment, agreed with a slight nod of his head.

Thankful it was a slow night, Raphael and April went on a practice patrol together -- wanting to basically give her a test run to see how she handled situations before allowing her the opportunity to join him on later patrols with his brothers. At first, there was nothing much going on in this usually crime-infested area of the city. There were a couple foot soldiers running rampant and acting strangely, but seemingly, not enough of a cause for alarm and they were gone before April or Raph could make a move, so they had no choice but to let them go for now.

It took another half an hour to find a good test run for April, which happened to be a couple Purple Dragons causing mischief and destroying parts of a public park. Raph reluctantly stood back and allowed April to get in a few good shots before jumping in to help take them down before any could escape. He also allowed her to stop a robbery in progress nearly single handed, but didn’t give her a chance to help him take down a few punks bothering an elderly lady walking home from the store. Raph made sure those heartless bastards learned the inside of a rancid meat trash bin very well before he and April took back off into the night.

Currently, Raph walked calmly along April’s side as they patrolled the darkened streets and alleyways toward her apartment. She had already removed her black kinouchi outfit she had worn over her regular clothes and hid them in a manhole where she could retrieve at a later date. Last thing she wanted was for her dad to know what she had been doing with her free time.

Brimming with excitement now that the patrol was nearly over, the vibrant redhead’s serious facade melted away into high spirits and animated gestures, retelling of the events of the evening in a very energetic fashion, her fists pumping and throwing punches at the appropriate parts.

Raphael couldn’t help but smirk at his star student and her obvious happiness. While she was over the top now, during patrol she was all business. Quiet steps and even quieter strikes. She was all ninja, so it didn’t really bother him that on the walk home, she’d be overcome with her usual excited nature. April had done better than expected and Raph was pleased that he could be the one to make that possible for her. All the work had paid off and he was happy for her -- she’d worked damn hard to get there and she never gave up. As much as he protested training her at first, he realized just how much alike they were -- stubborn, fiery, and quick to anger. He understood her frustrations and was able to work through them to make training as successful as possible, and they did it together. He watched her animated face in the dim lights and chuckled softly at her latest tale of victory as they turned a dark corner.

In the following seconds, the whole world shifted and everything fell apart at once.

April was walking backwards as she continued retelling how she kicked one of the robbers in his crotch, and an imitation of his high pitched wail that followed. Not even paying attention to a shadow out of the corner of her eye, thinking it was only caused by their sudden change in direction. Before April took her next breath, Raph suddenly tensed and a glint of metal in one of the dim lights of the alley tore across the air. His sai’s quickly flew across the air after them.

A clink next to her feet drew her eyes downward and there was where she saw Raph’s sai, in-between the triad of blades were two blocked shurriken that had been aimed directly at her. Every hair on her body stood on end when a sudden cry of agony caught her ears, she threw her head up to see a stray human foot soldier they’d saw earlier. He stood shakily in an adjoining alley before falling to his knees, the glint of Raph’s sai embedded deep into his stomach before he collapsed lifelessly to the floor.

April quickly turned her attention back to Raphael and her eyes widened when she took in the scene in front of her. Both of his hands were grasping at his neck, green eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. Confused as to what was happening, she noticed movement near his neck and tensed in horror when the movement turned out to be a thick trickle of dark blood dripping from in-between his shaking fingers.

April let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding as she closed the distance between them while watching the flickering emotions on his face in total silence. The complete shock that overtook her made her feel as if she was watching this from a different vantage point. It felt like a surreal dream -- time not seeming to effect her as everything seemed to be in slow motion but she still could not move. Her tongue felt like lead and her heart sink into the pit of her stomach as she witnessed Raphael’s hands trembling as they lowered from his neck. Expecting to see just a scratch or nick, instead, she found herself being flung back to reality when instantly, a spray of warm gushing blood covered her. The spray of the thick crimson liquid brought her back into her body when she saw the wound -- Raph’s neck had been torn wide open by a passing shuriken.

Distantly, she heard screaming, the ringing of her ears beginning to wane as she still found herself unable to move. It was only watching Raphael’s eyes rolling to the back of his head and his legs gave out from under him when April realized the horrific screams she heard were coming from her own lips. The next instant, she was back in control of her body and running to him as fast as her legs would carry her.

“RAPHAEL!” she screeched, throwing herself to the ground behind his shoulders before he could slam his head onto the cold cement.

April’s hands immediately covered the bloody gash along his throat, pressing firmly to stop the uninterrupted flow of red liquid that continued to make it’s way through her fingers while still allowing the pressure to not be enough to cut off his air supply. She fought down the rising urge to vomit when she felt a spurt of blood spray against her blood-soaked fingers every time his heart took a beat.

“Raph!” she sobbed breathlessly, pressing her trembling hands more firmly against the open wound. She stared in shock as Raphael’s green eyes suddenly opened. Her whole body was shaking as she looked into the muddied green of his normally bright eyes that seemed to be looking straight through her as if searching for the voice he just heard. Never had his eyes been that dull. Seeing him covered in blood and looking at her in this way , just so helpless and hurt, shook her to her core as she still tried to understand what had just happened.

Reality seemed far away and she had been flung into a hellish nightmare.

“You’re gonna be okay...” she whispered in the midst of this chaos, his eyes clearing momentarily to look into hers and saw nothing but sheer agony clouding his normally bright irises.

“It’s okay... You’re going to be just fine...” April whimpered, a grimace taking over her face when her attempt to smile and ease his worry failed.

April suddenly found her vision blurring, the soft trickle of tears descending quickly down her face. She blinked fiercely in order to clear her vision and in the deep recesses of her mind, she knew he desperately needed help....and fast. She wanted to scream and hope for someone to run to their rescue, wanted to call 911 for an ambulance, but came to the sickening realization that it wasn’t that simple. The only ones who would willingly help were on the other side of the city waiting for their brother to return from taking her on patrol. April wanted to grab her phone but found her hands wouldn’t move because she knew that the second she took the pressure off his wound, nothing was going to stop the bleeding. She pressed firmer against the cut in sick sobering awareness that there was absolutely nothing she could do.

With this thought, she couldn’t help but allow the keening wail to leave her throat, her eyes tightly closing and face pressing against the side of his. This was all her fault. If she hadn’t been so distracted, Raph wouldn’t have been hurt. If she hadn’t ignored that shadow in the corner of her eyes, she could have drawn her own weapon and easily blocked the shuriken. But instead, Raph protected her and took down the enemy and protected her without any hesitation, leaving him open to attack and mortally wounded.

In the dark recesses of her mind, she couldn’t help but deny this was even happening. It seemed too surreal and unfathomable to be reality...

It couldn’t end like this.

Raph was so strong -- strongest of all the four turtles. Taking down so many enemies and facing them down with nothing more than a cocky smirk and tilt of his head. There was no way in hell this was actually happening -- Resilient, stubborn, determined, strong Raph couldn’t be taken out by a lucky shot from some little punk ass foot soldier.

April refused to believe it.

Any minute now, his brothers would be here and he’d be patched right up and to showcase this night, he’d be sporting another scar for his already impressive collection. Breaking her out of her thoughts was a faint gurgling and she looked down at him and realized that he was trying to speak.

“Shh, shh, shh... Raph, Don’t talk... Y-You’re gonna...gonna be alright.... You-- You just g-gotta focus on saving your strength, okay?” April mumbled nasally, pushing her own flaring emotions aside for a moment to focus on him. She continued to whisper soft sentiments against the side of his head, tenderly brushing her temple against his in what she hoped was a gesture of comfort.

It went unheard and she couldn’t stop her gasp when he began shaking, his eyes suddenly rolled back into his head before his body tensed and trembled uncontrollably, his attempts to take another breath making a horrible rattling sound.

“No, no, no no no no no....” April cried, pressing herself as close as she could to his body in order to keep him still.

April felt her body tense up when she heard him roughly cough, the action making it sickening clear just how bad he had been hurt when she felt a soft breath of air tickle her fingers and a spray of blood leave his lips. She closed her eyes against the feeling, pressing her fingers closer together to tighten her hold over the wound. She whispered soft whispers of comfort against his head, cradling him against her body as his breathing eventually calmed and he started to relax in her arms.

Her eyes opened when she felt a weak tug on her arm and saw his trembling bloody hand softly grasping at her wrist. She took quick notice of his eyes, they were open but weren’t focusing on anything. The normally bright green irises was dark, the light in his eyes faded even more. Feeling his calloused hand gripping so frailty on her arm made a whimper escape her raw throat.

“Raph?” April asked softly, noticing his eyes clear slightly before looking at her. “Hey... You’re okay.... I’m here -- I’m right here... Donnie will be here any minute and we’ll patch you right up and we could maybe watch a movie...You can get whatever pizza you want too...” April whispered against his face, her tears warm against his skin, as she rocked softly on her heels to try and get his trembling to stop completely.

Staring into those eyes was unsettling for a reason she didn’t quite understand. She tried to smile at him to comfort the injured terrapin further, but it turned into a grimace when she noticed his eyes sliding closed. He was still shaking slightly when she suddenly buried her face against his, letting him know she was right there.

“I’m right here, Raph... I’m not going anywhere...” April whispered softly, brushing her temple against his.

A few moments later, his shaking stopped completely and his hand left hers to land on the ground next to him with a barely perceived sound.

April stilled, the relief at feeling him calm down only lasted a moment before she realized just how quiet it had suddenly become. Her hands that clenched around the wound trembled, her fingers pressing deeper waiting for the pulse and heartbeat that had just been there. It was then she noticed his rattling breath had completely ceased and his face that was still leaning against hers felt suddenly chilled.

Letting out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding, she pulled her face from his and stared at him. Her eyes scanning over his peaceful face and waited for any movement, for a pulse to rise against her blood-drenched fingertips...

....but none ever came.

Staring at him in sheer disbelief, April felt utter panic bubble to the surface of her chest as she waited in vain for any semblance of life. His eyes were closed, his face and body soaked in splotches and puddles of his own blood and he wasn’t moving.

Why wasn’t he moving?

Why didn’t he just open his eyes and smirk, brushing off this injury like so many before? She felt his blood’s wetness on her fingers and the pooling of warmth against her knees, the morbid wound underneath her hands was obviously fatal....but to her, this just couldn’t be happening... It wasn’t real...

Raphael couldn’t be...

“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!” April cried frantically at the top of her lungs, one of her hands leaving his neck to roughly pat at his face. Praying desperately for a response, for some movement, a sound of a breath -- for anything. Her hands were trembling at this point, both being used to furiously shake at his shoulders -- hoping that maybe a jolt of movement would get him to stir. Without her support, his head suddenly fell back and the wound he’d received by protecting her made itself dreadfully clear in the alley’s dim light caused her blood to run ice cold. April swallowed down the acidic bile that suddenly rose in her throat at seeing just how deeply his neck had been torn open and how mortal this wound really was.

April shook uncontrollably before quickly throwing herself over him, her hands grasping the wound that quickly bled out and abruptly ended his life. Refusing to believe the harsh diagnosis, April pressed her mouth over his, blowing air into his unmoving lungs. But two breaths later, most of the air she had been blowing into his lungs began brushing along her fingertips instead. Slowly removing her bloodied fingertips from around his throat, she stared in horror at his blood that stained her hands. Valiantly fighting against the urge to scream and decided to ignore the reality of the situation that stared her dead in the face, April quickly placed her mouth over his again, blowing lungful after lungful of air into his parted cold lips until she nearly passed out from oxygen deprivation. It took a few minutes, but as time went on without any sort of movement or response, she soon came to the sick realization that it wasn’t helping.

April sobbed quietly as she pulled her mouth away from his, opening her blood-shot eyes to take in his unresponsive face and the wet trail of blood dripping from his lips. All she could do was wail helplessly at the unfairness of it all as she wrapped her arms around his neck and thrust her face into the quickly cooling skin of his shoulder.

“P-P-Please.... Oh, God, please, R-Raph!!!.... Wake up.... Please.... Open your eyes!... You just gotta! Please... I -- We need you...Y-Y-You can’t be d-de....” April muttered, not even able to finish the word, her eyes closing in unimaginable grief against his skin as sobs continued to heave through her shaking frame.

Internally telling herself to wake up, to open her eyes in the reality where this was not happening, where he wasn’t dead. She didn’t want to part of a world where Raphael simply didn’t exist. She screamed and prayed to any God that would listen to her pleas. Desperately begged for herself to wake up and he’d be awake and alive as if nothing had ever happened. But as her sobbing continued, she couldn’t help but notice that his skin began growing dull and cold -- her fingers she splayed over his heart remained completely and eerily still.

“Please don’t take him away from me...” she begged until she felt her own heart splinter and completely shatter in unbearable grief within the confines of her chest.

The resounding scream of overwhelming sorrow hastily erupted from her tender throat and hurled into the night sky with only the dim stars overhead to hear the agony that laced it. Her throat was painful and agonizing as her sobs wracked her body with unbelievable and overwhelming tremors.

...Why did he save her?...

The question as to why Raphael would risk himself with absolutely no hesitation made her chest feel like nothing more than a raw festering wound. His life was far more valuable to this city, to this world, and mostly to his small family that needed him so much. So... Why? Why did he do it?

Her mind tore over the years she’d known him and then -- it suddenly all made sense.

It’s just who Raphael was -- the first one in and last one out.

In any situation, Raph would be sure to take the brunt of the attacks, hold up the back to make sure everyone got out safe before he left. He guarded those he loved with such a fierce passion not caring in the least if it caused him harm. Realizing he’d done it again -- but instead of his brothers -- it was to protect her and save her even at the loss of his own life broke whatever sanity she had left. The agony rushing through her body was like an uncontrollable fire, scorching everything in its path.

The pain was like nothing she’d ever experienced as she hugged him tightly, clinging to his body and continually begging him to come back even when in the back of her mind, she knew he couldn’t hear her anymore. Hopelessly, she continued to speak -- sentiments of how much they needed him -- how he couldn’t go out this way -- how empty life would be without him there. It dawned on her just how much they would miss him -- and how much she already missed him even if she still didn’t fully believe he was actually gone. Her face pressed against his -- tears streaming along the curve of his cold cheek and onto the blood stained pavement below her knees.

Her eyes opening to look at his serene face -- the million ‘what ifs’ already staking permanent residence in her mind and realizing the sheer gravity of this loss and what it meant.

Her mind clearly disregarding the pain she was feeling and she found herself forced to picture his brothers -- his father -- knowing their hotheaded son and brother was dead because of her. Because they had trusted her to hold her own, to not get distracted, to keep vigilant, always watch each others backs....

....she failed....

....and Raphael paid the ultimate price....

April forced her eyes to stare at him -- to face the gravity of her mistake. April couldn’t stop the tears that continued their tracks down her face as she looked down at Raphael’s face. Even with the drying blood splattered along his graying emerald skin, he looked completely peaceful, as if he’d just fallen asleep in her arms.

April couldn’t stop the whimper that retched itself from her chest when she wracked her mind for the last time she’d said anything remotely important to him. If she ever even bothered to mutter a quick non-sarcastic ‘thank you’ for all the time he’d dedicated to teaching her -- for being patient even if it wasn’t his strong suit. He’d persevered and was willing to do the same exact kata a thousand times over and over again just to make sure she got it right. The dozens of hours they spent together, getting to know him after he’d been a complete enigma to her for so long. To learn of who he was as a friend rather than an outsider looking in. How over the course of their time together, noticing how quickly she began to refer to him as her ‘friend’ rather than just ‘sensei’.

Soft sobs soon transformed into a heart-wrenching howl when she came to the dreadful realization that she’d never see him again. To never again have the chance to see him smile, hear his voice or deep resonating laughter. They’d never have long conversations during meditation and training or even have another silly argument over who got to have the last slice of pizza or cake. She’d never hear his snide comments to Leo and sarcastic remarks to Donnie as well as hushed encouragement to Mikey. She’d never have his soft instructions being told over and over before he got frustrated and just physically adjusted her stance. They’d never sit together and watch bad, cheesy horror flicks over popcorn or get into their day-long epic video game competitions.

April’s chest felt like nothing more than a smoldering empty crater as she stared at the lifeless body of this wonderful friend lying so unbelievably still in her arms. How just moments ago, they’d been talking, laughing, fighting side by side. Flashbacks from just that morning, how he’d made her breakfast after training, even when he burned it the sentiment of such an action was not lost on her. She barely remembered their conversation over breakfast; for the life of her, couldn’t remember the words he spoke to her. Right now she would eagerly give everything she’d ever owned just to hear them again. But she’d never get that chance....

...because Raph was gone...

He wasn’t going to be there tomorrow.

...or ever again...

It dawned on her just how quickly it all had taken place and rapidly fell apart. How life didn’t wait -- how fate was so unbelievably cruel and didn’t allow for long drawn-out goodbyes or even quick farewells. Within a matter of a split second, you could lose those closest to you without rhyme or reason and there wasn’t a single damn thing you could do about it.

Blood-stained fingers brushed lazily along cold grayish-green skin; gingerly running along the curve of sharp cheekbones and brushing along closed eyelids that would never open again.

It wasn’t fair...

Life went on around them in the sound of distant crowds and traffic just blocks away. The feel of a cooling breeze against her tear-stained face sobered the endless torrent of pain that plagued her very being.

The world should have stopped; should have stood still during this monumental loss of life -- but it didn’t. To this bustling city that would go about their life as usual would never know the gravity of this loss. A hero from the shadows that they never even knew existed was now gone forever. They wouldn’t miss him -- they would never know of his dry sarcastic humor, his fierce love of his family, or even his signature cocky smirk and bright green eyes. Life would continue around them as if everything was fine. Even though her world would never be the same without Raphael in it.

In a moment of sheer grief, a high-pitched whimper was thrown into the sky as she collapsed over him. Placed her forehead firmly against his before her eyes closed against the wailing reverberating throughout her aching chest. She couldn’t fathom how she’d move on from this loss - or how his father or brother’s could.

Picturing a life where Raph wasn’t there-- a life where there were only three brothers instead of four: Passing by his room and not see him lying on his bed with a magazine in his hand. Knocking on his door to wake him up to train in the morning and receiving nothing but silence in return. Acknowledging there’s a cold, empty seat during meals, knowing it would never be filled again. Never to see him sitting on the couch, putting Mikey in a headlock, or watching TV. Nor getting the chance to cheekily climb atop his shell while he did push ups -- hearing him grumble about it but still see him smirk at the action. The emptiness overtaking the fact that he was really gone took her breath away.

He really won’t be there anymore.

Leo, Donnie, and Mikey wouldn’t have him fighting by their side --

Splinter would never get to see his son again...

The pain of having to tell his family what took place. To have to bury someone who was so full of life just didn’t seem fair. Raphael was always so animated -- always moving, always doing something. Now as he lay so unbelievably still in her arms did it finally sink in that this was reality. This wasn’t a dream where she’d wake up and everything would be like it was. The harsh new reality was lying still and cold in her arms.

Raphael was dead.

....and it was all her fault...

“I’m sorry, Raph...” she whispered brokenly, “I’m so sorry...” she pressed her face against his cheek and trembled at just how limp he was in her grasp. The shock of what had occurred ebbed away and all she was left with was nothing but devastating grief and heart-lurching regret as tears continued their unheeded descent down her face.

They found them over an hour later, April was unconscious and curled up against his body, clinging desperately to his frigid corpse. Soft mutterings of “Please come back” and “I’m sorry” still leaving her lips in the dark night surrounding them.


	2. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael is dead. It’s a reality his brothers simply will not accept; along with April, they are going to do whatever it takes, even alter time, in order to get to get him back. (Continuation of Hurt)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After an intense internal debate with myself, I have decided to continue this fict. As I was writing small sad drabbles, I thought I wanted to finish this idea that had been stewing a long time. Warning, serious angst before anything gets better - prepare for a roller-coaster of feels.

It all started when Raph or April didn't answer their phones near their end of patrol.

Leo asked Donnie to track their t-phones, the devices pinging at an area close to their human friend's residence. The leader had been angry at first thinking the two were slacking off, watching movies or playing video games at her place while the rest of them went out for nightly patrol. Anger quickly turned to worry when they still refused to pick up their phones for over an hour.

Knowing Raph or April weren't ones to shirk their responsibilities, he decided something had to be done; with Donnie and Mikey in tow, they set out to retrieve the two. On the way across town, the blue-banded leader's anger returned with a vengeance, expecting to see the pair goofing off, but a little part of him felt something else...

...but Leo never expected this...

First thing he noticed was the dead human foot soldier; a very familiar weapon embedded deep into bloodstained flesh. The ball of dread that lodged itself firmly in his throat was ignored for the third time that hour as he walked closer to the small mumbling noises coming from an adjacent alley.

Leo saw red.

The sticky substance tacky under his feet as his blue eyes scanned the images in front of him.

The dread he felt when neither April or his hotheaded brother never returned from patrol and refused to pick up their phones erupted into full fledged panic as he took in the two missing occupants; one prone and still upon his back, the other laying partly on top of him mumbling incoherent sounds.

He went numb.

It was so unbelievable that he felt as if he was watching all of these events through eyes that weren't his. The vantage point didn't dissuade from what he was currently seeing.

Leo's younger red-banded sibling was unnaturally still. Skin that was normally a rich emerald green appeared grayish and devoid of any semblance of life. And the blood...there was just so much blood...

He didn't hear the heartbreaking wail of his youngest brother. Didn't even flinch as his mind screamed at him to move, to access his brother's injuries, to find the source of the blood to stop it, but his body refused. The numbness flowing through his system as he watched in shock as all of these events take place.

* * *

"Raphael! April!" Donnie screamed, his shock at the scene put aside to run to his prone brother and his crush. He fell to his knees next to the redhead, pulling at her to remove her arms from his brother's neck.

April's eyes suddenly opened, her retina's mere pinpricks as she sat up, looked down, then proceeded to scream, her body shaking before she slumped breathless atop Raphael - clinging to his form even in unconsciousness.

Donnie threw a helpless glance over to Leo, but the leader didn't move. His eyes were glazed. About to scream at him to help, Mikey was suddenly next to him, pulling April from his prone brother.

Once the redhead was pressed against Michelangelo - the world around them went still.

Without April's support, Raphael's head had fallen back and revealed the source of the blood him and Mikey were kneeling in.

Donnie tried and looked at the wound from a strictly unemotional basis, going through prognosis of what a wound entailed, but that didn't happen. A tremor ran through his body as he frantically pressed two fingers to his lifeless brother's pulse point. He'd never been much for religion, but right now, he fervently prayed for any sign he'd be proven wrong. A sign that his hotheaded brother was still here...

Donatello waited in vain...

Pressing fingers deeper hoping he was mistaken, he'd also placed a hand over his brother's still plastron in utter denial of this hellish reality he'd been thrust into. This hell he wanted no part of. The intellectual part of him told him it was too late, that there was no conceivable way Raphael could be alive and even informed him he'd been dead for over an hour, but yet everything else inside of him told it wasn't possible.

Donnie never feared for Raphael.

While him and his hotheaded brother weren't particularly close, Donnie knew Raphael was too strong and street smart even though he'd never tell him that, to get himself into these situations. Raphael was reckless, but he wasn't stupid. Raphael was strong - stronger than all of them. The situations and circumstances they'd been in before were a testament to that fact. But even when it seemed the whole world was against them, his brother faced them down with nothing more than a smirk. In all these years of being the first to jump in the fray, setting off the traps and holding up the back, Raphael had always managed to come out okay - he'd always ended up banged up and bruised...but alive... But as he stared down at his brother's body, this was a reality the genius terrapin didn't understand. It was a simple patrol. Just Raphael and April to give her a little test run - and somehow, the strongest of all of them...ends up dead...

That's why none of this made sense.

Finally, he pulled his fingers away from the still pulse point, gently cradling his brother's head in his lap. Internally debating and asking why this had to happen and wondering how the hell any of them would ever recover from this... The tears stayed at bay for now as he glanced back over to Mikey, who stared at him for answers. Blue eyes begging him to give him a positive diagnosis, to just tell him Raphael would be okay... Donnie prided himself on being able to fix anything - heal anyone. But now, the genius who'd always found a way...couldn't never fix this...

Donnie, the grief rising and clogging his throat, wanting desperately to console Mikey and bring Raphael back from the dead and they could all go home and everything would be alright, sadly shook his head and tried to ignore the screams that came from the youngest brother's mouth and crumbled away any remaining silence around them.

* * *

Mikey's eyes shone with tears, the warm tracks leading down his face as he pulled April from his brother's plastron. He'd been anxious ever since he'd called Raphael's phone earlier that night to ask his brother what toppings he wanted on his pizza. Leaning on the kitchen counter full of cut veggies and various "other" toppings, Mikey's smile fell when the red-masked brother didn't immediately answer like he always did. He pulled the phone away from his face and stared at his brother's picture as he ended the call before the voicemail message had a chance to finish.

_That's weird._ The only thought going through the youngest brother's head.

Shrugging it off, knowing his brother would return his call as soon as possible, he'd topped his own pizza with marshmallows, macaroni, mushrooms, and mill worms. All his favorite 'M' toppings. His smile plastered back on his face, he couldn't help but keep glancing back at his phone, waiting for the familiar ringtone that prompted him to know his brother was calling him back.

An hour later, the pizzas were forgotten in lieu of pacing in the main room, calling April and Raphael's phone over and over again. His foot tapping nervously on the concrete as nothing more than sheer dread and panic fluttered relentlessly through his system.

It wasn't until Leo walked into the room and informed him they were going out to find them that he knew it was serious.

Butterflies were running rampant through his stomach as he got in the ShellRaiser. His eyes glued to where Donnie had the computer up to track their phone signals. His heart was lodged into his throat as he tried to calm his breathing.

"What do you think they're doing, Donnie?" he asked suddenly, knees bouncing nervously up and down.

"I'm really not sure, Mike. It's strange to say the least, but don't worry. It's probably nothing." Donnie said, giving the orange-banded turtle a gaped tooth smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

Mikey just nodded, eyes straying back to the screen as he swallowed down the lump in his throat. "Yeah... Probably nothing..."

_Nothing._

Baby blue eyes stared at the images in front of him, those moments of dread returning with a vengeance. This couldn't be happening... It was just too nightmarish and surreal for it to possibly be reality. Any moment, he'd wake up and it would all be a dream...it just had to be...

Because, there was his big brother - the same one he saw just hours ago when they were watching a movie together - was now lying so incredibly still in a puddle of rust-colored blood. His mind wouldn't dare process the image at first. It was only when Donnie screamed their names that his mind caught up to a reality he wanted nothing to do with. He jumped upon seeing April suddenly reanimate and scream before collapsing atop his prone brother yet again.

Leo still didn't move, so Mikey had no choice but to help Donatello.

After April had been pulled away was when Mikey prayed this was all a nightmare. The cut was deep and already crusted with drying blood and Raphael still had yet to move. Everything in his body screamed at him to wake up - to get out of this nightmare. Tears he wasn't aware of were leaking out of his eyes as he stared at Raph - begging his big brother to get up, to open his eyes...anything...

Watching in bated breath as Donnie checked for life - it seemed like a lifetime had passed before his older brother's brown eyes met his. Mikey began shaking uncontrollably at the sadness and grief contained in his eyes - things Donnie was usually so good at masking were clear for the world to see.

A shake of his head had Mikey careening into a pit of despair where he believed there would never be an end... He screamed into the night, tears streaming down his face as he collapsed into his brother's still chest. Begging for Raphael to wake up...

...but he never did...

* * *

The scream of Mikey shook Leo out of his shock, the sound was one he'd never heard and wished instantly to never hear again. Little did he knew it was only the beginning. Finally, his feet moved towards the small group surrounding his red-banded brother's prone body. Without words, he looked at Donnie. His genius brother was quiet, shaking fingers gingerly caressing Raphael's still face.

Leo wanted to break down - he wanted to scream...but he didn't.

Instead, he kneeled next to Donnie and gestured to the shell raiser at the end of the alley.

Donnie nodded and began to instantly obey the leader, who gently began to gather up Raphael's body, valiantly ignoring the squelch of tacky blood as he lifted him into his arms. The blue-banded turtle was silent as he began carrying his brother to the van, completely droning out the sound of Donnie speaking to Mikey and helping the youngest brother with April.

Leo dared not look down. He didn't dare to see his brother lying so still in his arms. The image was not one he wanted to remember. None of this was. In a perfect world, he'd wake up tomorrow morning and Raph would be there as if nothing had happened. But this wasn't a fairytale. This was cold, harsh reality - questions going unanswered - the dreaded why always rearing its ugly head... If anything, it just made Leo more determined to get to the bottom of this even if it killed him. He ** _needed_** to know what happened to his brother...

Anger instantly filled in any of the grief he may have felt. What Leo wanted was answers - answers he knew only April could answer.


	3. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dealing with the aftermath of his brother's death, Leonardo seeks answers but not in a way no one suspected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Delving more into some hardcore feels...

Leonardo was numb.

The training in mediation and remaining calm ingrained in his system since he was a small child was the only piece of sanity the leader had left. Steel blue eyes remained dry by sheer will on the drive back to the lair. While forced to stop at a red light, Leo took this small moment to glance back in the rear view mirror; the scene of his two youngest brothers holding one another in silence, trails of tears leaking down their faces was a sight he never wished he had to see; forcefully tearing his eyes away, he noticed April curled up on one of the chairs in the back, thankfully, for now, still unconscious.

On the floor of the van, there was a white sheet over a form, bits of it stained with blood. Leo averted his eyes from it, not wanting to believe his little brother was underneath there - still refusing to believe his seemingly unstoppable and invincible brother, Raphael, was now nothing more than a corpse. His mind was not willing to accept that reality - not yet - perhaps not ever.

A flash of green in the corner of his eyes had him turning his eyes back to the road, the horrendous burning in the back of his bloodshot eyes was completely ignored as he drove back to the lair. When the car finally came to a stop, he instantly jumped out, opening the hatch where Donnie and Mikey were carrying the tarp wrapped around his brother. Leo, still having those same elder brother instincts ingrained into each and every fiber of his being, gently removed Raphael from their arms without even looking at them - his eyes focused on something in the far distance. The two let him go without hesitation, Donnie slowly making his way back to the Shellraiser to go back for April; easily lifting the thin girl and walking toward the turnstiles. Mikey followed closely behind, tear-stained blue eyes staring at the floor; stone silent as the trio walked into the quiet lair.

* * *

Splinter stood near the tire swing. Ever since Raphael left the lair, he'd experienced a weight on his chest. He ignored it thinking maybe it was heartburn from some spicy food he'd had earlier, but as the hours ticked by with no word from his hotheaded son or April, the weight became debilitating. Hamato Yoshi was not a person who panicked; always rational and always focused on keeping calm. So, he remained as such as the brothers went out to look for Raphael and Miss April.

Closing his eyes in mediation, he prayed for their safe return as well to still his growing fear and anxiety. He hadn't worried much for Raphael knowing out of all of his sons, he was strongest - his propensity for injury higher just because of the amount of protectiveness instilled in him; this was a constant thought in the back of his mind as Splinter waited for news. The elderly rat began doubting many things - including April's preparedness for patrol; maybe it had been too soon, but he believed in her; most importantly, trusting his son to take care of her like any sensei would. The feeling of dread was minimal at first; not wanting to admit it, but he felt as if something was wrong. He vehemently hoped it was nothing serious. This was one of the rare times he hoped the two were slacking off; a feeling the rat never got before but never hoped for anything more than now at this very moment.

Those hopes were dashed when he heard the sound of the ShellRaiser returning; quickly making his way to the living area, the ninja master was stopped dead in his tracks. Donnie walked in front, April curled up in his arms, barely conscious. His brown eyes steered toward Leonardo and he subconsciously felt his hands begin to tremble at the sight. In steady arms, his eldest was gentle carrying a large,still object covered in a white sheet and upon quick inspection, his legs and body began trembling in trepidation and his worst fears became realized.

Without realizing it, he was in front of the silent and stoic blue-banded turtle, cradling a familiar shape wrapped in a sheet, ignoring how Michelangelo began to weep from just steps behind his oldest brother.

"R-Raphael..." the name spoken softly as shaking paws began gingerly peeling away the blood-stained cloth.

Drawing it back, he felt bile rise in his throat. "No..." He whimpered, reaching a trembling hand to cradle his son's head. His skin, while always naturally cool, now was as frigid as ice. The color drained and everything about it just - _wrong_. Lowering his eyes, he saw it, and the blood-crusted obviously fatal wound shook him to his core. The tears he refused to spill with the amount of loss he had suffered over the years, stubbornly stayed put as the elderly sensei cradled the body of his second-oldest child; Leonardo allowing his father to remove the burden of dead weight from his arms. Pain he'd never before experienced pounding in his chest but yet his eyes remained dry as the elderly rat fell to his knees, his son still cradled in his shaking grasp.

Bright images flashed through his mind as he stared at his lifeless child; moments of first holding the small shaking turtle into his chest. Witnessing his shaky first steps and the time he had to comfort the normally strong-willed child when he lost his first tooth. Putting that blood red mask on his face - the color he chose especially for this child; his heart valiant and fierce even if his greatest enemy was often his short temper, it served him well though. He began to feel wetness on his face as he recalled so many instances of his Raphael's bravery; counting on his hotheaded child to keep his brothers safe - and he was never let down. Putting together in his mind what must have transpired this night - it all made sense to him...he protected April...and lost his life in the process.

It was this realization that caused Splinter to lose the calm that had been ingrained into him throughout his life. Pressing his face against the cold skin of his son's shoulder, he allowed the tears to seep out of his eye and into graying flesh.

"Sensei..." Donatello's voice broke through the ravenous hurt that was overtaking his very being.

"...Yes?" he mumbled, his voice stronger and calmer than he thought was possible came from his mouth.

"I-I think we should take h-him to the lab..." his genius son's voice shook with emotion.

Splinter pulled away, eyes not opening until he'd re-covered his son's face with the soft white cloth. Brown eyes opening to stare at the obvious curve of his son's cheek under the fabric, yet he was not able to look at Raphael for a fear of a total mental breakdown. Instead, he cradled him closer and gently nestled in his arms like you much would a small child as he slowly ambled in the direction of the lab.

* * *

Donnie wordlessly followed. Once in the lab, he watched in complete silence as Splinter placed down Raphael's body upon a steel table as if the lifeless terrapin was made of glass. It was almost a physical pain as he witnessed his father cradling Raph's head, his shaky paw caressing his fabric covered face; listened with bated breath as Splinter gulped back more tears before leaving the room without a word shared between them. ...Donatello was now left all alone with his brother's body and more pain in his chest than he thought possible to even bear...

* * *

Mikey dried his eyes for what felt like the thousandth time that night. His body on complete auto-pilot as he walked into the leveled living room and sat on the floor. He looked around and saw a tattered old pillow with a red case lying near a pile of beanbags; seeing it causing his mind to flash to a moment from the night before...

" _Hey, numbskull, pass me the popcorn!"_

_Not even looking away from his perch two inches from the television, he tossed the bag of popped kernels to his hotheaded brother._

" _Thanks... So, any reason why yer planning to be blind in five years?"_

" _Huh?" the orange-banded turtle asked, his pupil's dilated as he looked back at his older brother._

" _Your gonna ruin your eyes if ya continue to sit so damn close to the tv, Mike." Raph replied before popping a few piece of popcorn in his mouth._

" _Since when did you become Leo, dude?" Mikey asked a bit annoyed._

" _I'm just looking out for you, bro - but, if you don't listen to me, I should just have Donnie come in here and explain exactly that process as well as maybe having surgery to correct your eyesight."_

" _They do surgery on eyeballs?!" the youngest asked shocked, placing his hands on his face in panic._

" _Yep. It's really bloody too..." Raph chuckled, taking a small piece of popcorn. "And sometimes, when it goes wrong, they just..." the kernel pressed tightly between two fingers until it was crushed. "POP!"_

" _NOOOOOO!" Mikey screamed, running over to sit by Raphael among the beanbags._

" _See? Is that so hard?" Raphael chuckled, throwing an arm over Mikey's shoulders. "Here, I'll even let ya use my pillow." he continued, pulling the pillow out from behind his back before offering it to his orange-banded brother._

_Mikey grabbed it out of his brother's hand, sticking his tongue out at his older brother childishly, causing the red-banded terrapin to reach over and give him the noogie of a lifetime. The youngest turtle laughed, fruitlessly trying to remove himself from Raph's iron grip, but soon realizing it was a losing battle. A cry of "uncle" had thankfully been enough for the torture to cease; Mikey laughing as he elbowed his older brother in his side. Raph smiled back at his youngest brother and the normally hotheaded terrapin didn't even say a peep when the popcorn was stolen from him. Instead, he'd threw an arm over Mikey's shoulder and stayed like that as the two continued watching the movie well into the night._

Image still fresh in his mind, Mikey began sobbing, pressing his face into the tattered red pillow that still clung to the comforting scent of his older brother.

* * *

April blinked, clearing the mistiness from her eyes as she took in her surroundings; turning her head, she watched breathlessly as Splinter cradled Raphael's body, the rat's shoulders heaving. The guilt and anguish increased as she realized what her moment of hesitation caused. She'd NEVER seen Splinter lose calm. Never seen him emotional... Her blue eyes ripped away from the scene as she buried her face in her folded arms and silently began crying. Suddenly, she was ripped to her feet and her eyes widened when she met the fierce steel blue eyes of a very enraged Leonardo. She couldn't recall a moment she'd been more terrified, the facade of Leo without the sincerity of calm surrounding him had been stripped away and this side of him she'd never witnessed filled her horrified vision.

* * *

Leonardo watched Splinter's reaction wordlessly. Staying completely silent as Mikey curled into the couch and sobbed - not having any reaction as Splinter and Donnie made their way into the lab with Raphael's blanket covered body. The numbness that took over had him shaking as rage began to fill the void where his inner grief lived. He caught sight of April, who had began waking up. Suddenly, this sense of anger and rage he was not used to feeling overtook him. He'd watched in complete disgust when she began to cry, not buying those tears and not caring if she was hurting; because there was now a festering wound in his heart that demanded answers; demanding an explanation as to why his little brother was dead - and April was the only one who could answer any of them.

In seconds, he'd made it to her side, grabbing the arm she had been crying into and yanking her to her feet.

Grabbing the red-headed girl who'd become such an integral part of their lives, he tossed her into the dojo not caring if his large hand was crushing her thin wrist. In the back of his mind, he heard Mikey screaming at him to stop acting that way, but he also heard Splinter dismiss it. He looked back for a short second and saw the look his Master gave him. It was a warning to not go too far and not let anger get the best of him - but it was too late for that...

In those seconds of pure unbridled rage, he finally understood Raphael's point of view more than ever. Raphael thrived on emotions when Leo stood on calm logic. Think first, act later, while his hotheaded brother was the polar opposite.

Leo completely ignored the terrified look on April's face. Her clothes and being were still drenched in his brother's dried blood and if anything, it only made him angrier. His fists were tight and trembling at his sides as he stared cold blue steel into wide terrified sky blue eyes.

"What the HELL happened to my BROTHER!?" Leo screamed at the top of his lungs, not caring how April trembled at the octave of his booming voice.

"L-Leo..." April whimpered, fresh tears dripping down her face.

"No. You've done enough crying, April. I want answers, and I want them now. What happened?"

"We - we were patrolling and going back to my house...and...and...I don't know! It just happened so fast a-and then he fell...t-t-there was blood _everywhere_!" she screamed, placing her hand over her mouth as she choked back a sob.

"You're not answering me... Raphael is **DEAD**...I want to know _**why**_... You are not leaving until you tell me exactly what happened..."

April didn't answer, falling to her knees and sobbing into her hands.

" _Dammit, April, answer me_!" Leo shouted, walking straight over to the young girl, roughly pulling her hand away from her face.

" _Leonardo!"_ Splinter's voice came from the entrance of the dojo, where Mikey stood in horror, fresh tears glittering in his baby blue eyes.

" **Answer me, April! Tell me why my brother is dead and you're still here!?** _ **WHY!? TELL ME!**_ " Leo screamed, ignoring his Sensei's words.

" **That's enough!** " Splinter said, grabbing Leo's hand to release April's thin wrist. He turned his oldest to look him in the eye and nearly broke at the pain etching those steel blue eyes. "...Please...That's enough, Leonardo... Please, my son... Don't do this now... _Not now..._ " he continued with a quivering voice, wanting nothing more than to cradle his eldest son into his chest and to tell him it would all be alright...but that action and words would ring empty this night.

Leo ripped his arm away before blindly running out of the dojo, the rage still shaking in his body.


	4. Postmortem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donnie's intellect serves no purpose in his grief.

Donnie was in unimaginable pain.

His chest felt at any second his throbbing heart would burst forth through his plastron to showcase the grief he was holding inside of him.

As seemingly impossible as it was to the intelligent side of him, it felt appropriate.

Donatello was the smart one. Always had been. Whether it be his vast intellect with reading advanced books at only a year old or creating complex machines and database systems to enhance his and his family's lives at only four - Donnie felt in control. His mind and body as one powerful machine as he tolled away creating new things to expand his every growing intellect and make living in a sewer much more bearable for himself as well as his beloved brothers and father.

During it all, it was only natural to grow less emotional. The genius terrapin tolled it down to remaining calm in crazy situations and brainstorming to deal with things out of his realm. Such as April's lack of affection toward him. Instead of seeing it from a realistic perspective, Donnie looked at it as a challenge. He saw a problem and wanted to fix it.

That's just how he was.

Emotions were things that hurt. When April seemed less than interested, he made sure to put those annoying things called feelings to the back of his mind, allowing his superior intellect to instead work its way around a problem instead of facing it head on.

Pretty much the exact opposite of his immediate older brother.

Raphael was a fighter. Passionate, fueled by emotions - mainly anger - but emotions none-the-less. He ran into situations without any plan, no preemptive strike and Donnie was always the one who had to patch him up afterward. Raph, in his strictly independent " _don't need anyone's help_ " ways would refuse, crudely bandaging his own wounds, but once Splinter saw blood on the carpet or cement from the poorly applied gauze, Raph had no choice but to allow his younger brother to clean and patch up the wound correctly.

Donnie and Raph were polar opposites. Probably the least close of the brothers.

Raph broke things.

Donnie fixed them.

That's just how it always had been.

It wasn't until April came along that Raph seemed purposely out to get him at times. While Donnie loved his red-banded brother dearly, Raph always deterred him from perusing April. At first, Donnie thought his older brother was looking out for him to make sure the pretty redhead wouldn't end up hurting or using him.

After all, Raph was anything but trusting.

It took months before Raphael would allow April to be in a room alone with anyone of his family members without him there to make sure she wouldn't try anything. After awhile, Raph would back off and just allow him to go on his pursuit of April but it wasn't without his scathing deterring words at times; but it wasn't anything Donnie hadn't heard before. So, it might not surprise anyone that when Splinter chose Raphael to train April over him - utter disdain took over.

Of course, Splinter explained vastly later to him alone that Raphael wouldn't go easy on her and that was the only reason he'd chosen his brash, hotheaded brother over himself to train her. Donnie was confused for the first time in his life. Wasn't going easy on her the point? April was thin and frail compared to the turtle brothers; not to mention, Raph was a brute. Donnie was absolutely petrified Raphael would hurt her with his harsh training techniques and his propensity to get easily frustrated with any situation he had little to no control over.

That's when Donnie watched them train.

It shocked him to realize that while his normally hotheaded brother was forceful at times, Raphael was fair and would never purposely hurt the young woman. He still knocked her to the mat a couple dozen times but never intentionally hurt her - only providing the training he knew she could take - and April would get right back up and ask for more. It was over this time that April and Raph began growing closer, much to Donnie's dismay. Escalating to the point where the redhead began purposely seeking out the hotheaded terrapin where the two would spend time doing activities such as watching horrifically awful movies and waste time playing video games of all things. April's days of sitting in his lab and helping him on projects was waning to a near stop and Donnie didn't like it one bit.

But again, his feelings got pushed to the side, yet instead of confronting the situation like Raphael would - Donnie was more passive-aggressive about his dislike of the situation; purposefully avoiding his brother, giving him the cold shoulder. If Raphael noticed this, he didn't say anything - just went on with his life as Donnie wallowed in his own self pity. A deep seeded regret burrowed forth like nothing he'd ever felt before - knowing the last few months he'd avoided his big brother, treating him less than pleasantly just because he was training April - and now...

Raphael was dead.

The blow to his chest felt physical when he dug his fingers into his brother's cold neck. His fingers fruitlessly searching for a drum of life underneath his shaking hand. He'd been calm the entire time. He tried to look at the injury on his brother from a doctor's standpoint. Tried to tell himself this was a mortal wound that even if he had been there within seconds, there was still minimal chance it would have had a different outcome. His jugular was severed and his brother bled out in moments.

Suddenly, his vision blurred and this unbearable raw feelings began growing in his chest as he looked down at his unresponsive brother. Feelings he'd shoved down his entire life began rising to the surface without a dam to stop them. Tears began dripping down his face but he forced himself to remain calm. His palms itched and his chest ached, but he knew now was not the time or place to fall apart.

Brown eyes meeting the blue of his oldest brother shook him. Leo's eyes were cold - empty, and they were directed toward the shaking April held in Michelangelo's trembling grasp.

There might have been tremendous noise around him, but Donnie heard nothing. Just the sound of his own pulse, blood rushing through his ears as he took in his new reality.

Looking down again, the pulsating only intensified.

Raphael.

His brother, friend, family...was dead...

There was no patching him up. There was no CPR to restart his heart and breath; he was cold, stiff, and gray...

_Gone._

Donnie started shaking. His body and mind refusing this new reality. Refusing to believe that there wasn't a way he couldn't save his brother. There had to be a way even if everything in his mind told him that he was too late.

The drive back to the lair was a blur. He didn't remember Leo taking Raphael's body from his arms, didn't remember picking up an unconscious April and taking her to the van. Didn't recall Leo taking him out from his arms or Splinter falling apart before helping him take the body into the lab.

_The lab._

Donnie spent ninety percent of his free time in here. Surrounding him was the beautiful sight of squeaky clean beakers and vast array of various chemicals. Spare parts made with every material imaginable to create something completely new. Computers and hardware systems to design new programming he'd meticulously create. Seeing all these beautiful things laid out just waiting for him used to fill him with joy and the ability to dream up endless possibilities...

_...Now it was a morgue..._

Donnie's mind suddenly shot to the present - where Splinter had just departed and left the genius terrapin alone in front of a blood-soaked body loosely covered with a stained sheet. Almost subconsciously, he pulled back the cloth from Raph's face and felt a tremor go through his plastron; seeing his brother on a cold steel gurney with a huge slit across his throat was never a thought that crossed his mind.

Yeah, they'd dealt with hell before but nothing like this...

They'd dealt with endless humans, monsters, and mutants that wanted them dead - but they always seemed to make it out okay. For the strongest of his brothers to be taken out on a relatively quiet side of town by a random foot soldier seemed nothing more than a hellish nightmare.

Donnie choked down feelings of anger, hurt, and unimaginable grief to do what he did best.

Patching up his brother.

It was like he was on auto-pilot. Splinter tended to Mikey, who had became an emotional wreck. Sobs and screams that would otherwise never get through the sound barrier of his lab leaked through in crystal clarity. Donnie was gentle yet methodical as he washed his brother's still, cold body of the dried blood, the amount shook him - both at the scene and what was still remaining attached to his skin. He knew Raphael bled out most of it - since there was hardly that leaked out upon the table. Yet Donnie continued; purposed and skilled hands erasing the signs of trauma, the red liquid draining until clear water was all that remained.

Once the blood was removed, Donnie stared at the wound that ended his brother's life.

It was deep slit. Probably 4 inches across and 1 inch deep. Easily identifying the main artery that had been severed as well as his trachea, leaving him to bleed out in probably only two minutes.

Knowing his brother didn't suffer long didn't ease his pain in the least.

Donnie just couldn't understand how this happened. Raphael was anything but careless. He could be just as methodical about training as Donnie was about getting the anti-mutagen just perfectly. While brazen and hotheaded, Raph was strong and sharp. Raph wouldn't be as careless as to not notice a shuriken flying at him with deadly precision.

_It just didn't make sense..._

Moments later, Donnie felt himself still staring at the wound, pulling his eyes away and heading to gather a few supplies. He pulled out a thin needle and some surgeon wire from a nearby drawer. Making his way back to the gurney, Donnie's heart sunk into his feet.

For long moments, he just stared at his brother. It shook him to realize for the first time how quiet it'd been. How still he was. Raphael was the epitome of energy; always doing something and to see him _so still_...it just became overwhelming...like he'd been hit by a train...

Donnie's mind rationalized that the adrenaline of the situation was wearing off, that emotions were rising and he needed to push them down before they got out of hand; but all the could think about is the last few months - how he purposely avoided his older brother. How he'd wasted so much time by being angry at his red-banded brother for no reason - losing out on so many memories he could have made; words he could and should have said. Searching for the last time he'd ever told his older brother that he loved him...how he'd do anything at this moment just to have a chance to say it to him...just one last time...

_...but it was too late._

A heartbreaking sob escaped from between his lips and it all fell apart.

Years of holding everything back. Allowing his mind to control his heart, bottling up things his heart felt but mind would ignore. Seeing his brother he loved _so much_ lying so still - knowing he was dead - realizing he'd never, _**ever**_ see him again shut his mind down entirely.

Donnie screamed, throwing the supplies to the ground as the genius terrapin crumbled on top of his brother's plastron. Pushing his face into Raphael's still chest, Donnie finally allowed himself to fall apart for the first time in his life.

" _I'm sorry, Raph... I-I can't fix this..."_ he sobbed into his skin;wanting to say so much more, but his cries overtook any other words that may have formed. The pain was raw and festering, his body heaving with emotion he had never before experienced and he was terrified that this was only the beginning...


	5. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey finds out about the loss of his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually did not plan to do a Casey part in this story whatsoever, but after reading one of my awesome review's, Lagerthasheildmaiden's, idea I thought, why not? It's probably only going to be one chapter though. I kinda already wrote out some of the end ones and it would be too hard to write him in, but I wanted to dedicate this chapter to her. :-) Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Also, when writing this, I was looping "See You Again" by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth...not the best idea... Makes writing this a lot worse since it's about losing a best/close friend.

Foot tapping anxiously as Casey Jones listened to the other line; the tense moments between dull rings as he awaited for a familiar voice. This was at least the twenty-fifth time he'd called his number in the past couple hours. After only a couple rings, he jumped slightly upon hearing a familiar voice, but not in the way he'd hoped.

"Hey, it's Raph. Leave a message."

_Beep_

"Hey dude, you're really freaking me the fuck out! If ya know what's good for ya, ya better call me back the second you get this message, asshole! ...but, seriously, Raph...J-Just call me back. I need to know if yer okay." Casey pulled the phone away from his face - a sense of anxiety burrowed deep inside his chest.

The vigilante didn't panic at first because it wasn't completely out of the ordinary that Raphael hadn't been answering his phone in over 24 hours, he'd lost his phone or forgot to charge it many times before; but the worry he was currently experiencing stemmed from the fact that no one else was either.

Mikey, April, Leo...he even called Donnie...

...but no one answered...

Casey took a deep breath before gathering a couple items into his backpack; muttering a quick farewell to his dad and sister on his way out the door before he headed out into the blinding daylight of the city. Wheels on his skateboard swiftly skidding over the asphalt as he maneuvered through traffic and pedestrians on his way to the lair. Casey's mind was flooded with different scenarios during his journey through the streets, the worst being they'd all been kidnapped, but he kept hope thinking perhaps their electricity ran out and their phones died, but logically, he knew if Donnie was around, that wouldn't happen; the genius terrapin would have fixed it within twenty minutes on a bad day.

With that thought, he skated faster.

Twenty minutes later, he was running through the turnstiles, heart hammering against his sternum as he took in the lair. He expected chaos and signs of a struggle if his kidnap theory held up; but instead, he was met with silence. Brown eyes scanning the surroundings and it seemed as if nothing was amiss; the lair was clean, quiet, and there was no one in sight. Dumping his items into the floor, Casey was tempted to call out but his tongue wouldn't cooperate; instead, he began slowly walking through the lair, making a beeline toward Raphael's room. The door was ajar, and he'd gingerly pushed it just enough to peer inside.

The sudden relief at seeing a turtle shape on the bed shattered upon realizing that it wasn't Raph in the bed - rather Mikey was curled up loosely in the sheets. Shuddering breaths were heard and Casey concluded he was asleep. It was a strange sight indeed but not enough to incite utter panic in his chest; he questioned why the youngest brother would be asleep in Raphael's bed but he knew disturbing Mikey was out of the question since waking up the youngest turtle was typically as successful as trying to raise the dead.

He closed the door behind him and noticed Leo's door cracked open, but there was no sign of the leader anywhere to be seen. One glance down the hall to the dojo and its closed door gave him an indication that Leo and Splinter may just be training or meditating. Moving on, Casey was immediately stopped in his tracks when his eyes fell on Donatello's room - the door was wide open and there was Donnie fast asleep on his bed.

A shock went through his spine at the sight. Donnie barely slept at all, but it was a stone cold fact that he _never_ slept during the day - a glance of his face in the light gave away more than he ever wanted to know. It appeared as if the genius terrapin had aged five years since he last saw him. The dark purple bags under his eyes and tracks of dried tears clung to his cheeks.

"The hell's going on?" Casey grumbled, stumbling away from the door and back out into the living room. He froze upon seeing April for the first time; he was shocked he didn't notice her before.

The redhead was sitting on the couch, arms hugging her knees and face partially buried into her arms. Only thing that was visible were her eyes; they were haunted and the dullest shade of blue he'd ever seen. Without even realizing it, he was walking toward her; not noticing what had happened until he was sitting down beside her. The clothes she wore weren't her usual outfit; instead, they were gray, baggy and dull. Her hair was unkempt; wet and loose around her shoulders, the burnt, rust orange color nothing compared to the bright lit sunshine orange with yellow highlights it normally had. April O'Neil appeared to have been through a war.

If April noticed him there, she didn't say anything. All she did was stare at some fixed point across the room; her eyes showcasing more pain and agony than Casey could comprehend. None of this made sense to him. April was a mess and quieter than he'd ever seen her, Mikey asleep in his brother's room, Leo AWOL, Splinter locked in his room, and Donnie sleeping during the day...

_And just_ _**where** _ _was Raphael?_

"Red?" Casey finally spoke, her nickname the only semblance of some normality in the present moment.

April didn't respond, the light in her eyes igniting for just a fraction of a second before flickering out again.

"April, what's going on here? No one had been answering their phone."

"..."

"Mikey and Donnie are sleepin' and I can't find Leo and Splinter."

"..."

"Just what's going on?..."

"..."

"and...w-where's Raph?"

The sheer mention of his name caused a domino effect. The vigilante jumped when April suddenly plunged her face into her folded arms with a whimpering sob that didn't have any intention of letting up.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong? What the hell is going on?" Casey asked, choking on the words as they came out; a horrendous burning starting to form in the back of his eyes.

Casey remained patient as April's sobs quietly slowed and her face re-emerged. Her eyes were bloodshot, tears were still dripping and her nose was running, but it seemed as if she couldn't care less at this point.

"...he's gone..." a whisper he barely heard broke through the silence and felt like a lightening strike upon his heart. Words he didn't want to believe or could even comprehend.

"W-What?" Casey asked again, hands trembling where they were fisted into the fabric of the couch.

Big, tear-filled blue eyes finally met his and it was a bullet to the heart.

"...Raph's dead..."

It was as if he'd been thrown into a rabbit hole; this separate reality grasping on his soul with no intention to let go. Pain at those words scraping and plunging into his body like hot nails as they left her lips. His lungs itched and heart was searing inside of his chest; not even realized he'd been holding his breath until it let out in loud, shaky sobs.

"Y-Y-You're lying! ...YOU'RE LYING!" was the first thing that came screeching from his mouth as hot tears began falling. His legs were shaking with the sudden weight as he threw himself off the couch. There was no way this was happening; no indication or previous warning sign that his best friend in the world was gone.

It just couldn't be...

Brown eyes pleading as he stared straight into her dull blue. He waited for her to smile and say ' _gotcha_ ' as Raph jumped out from behind the couch only to put him into a choke-hold. He waited in vain for Raphael to walk through those turnstiles and apologize for not answering his phone or returning his calls; for his phone to ring and to hear Raphael's familiar voice asking him if he wanted to join him for dinner and to go beat up some Purple Dragon punks.

...that didn't happen...

"P-Please, April... _Please_ tell me you're lying..." he finally sobbed out as April's face refused to change. Instead, her eyes fell and she shook her head in utter defeat before her hands enveloped her face.

"No...No. No!... **NO!** " Casey screamed, stumbling over furniture as he ran back through the turnstiles without retrieving his bag or skateboard. His eyes were blurry with tears as he fell multiple times in an attempt to climb the ladder; hands and arms were bruised by the time he'd gasped into the fresh air above the manhole cover, yanking himself through the hole before continuing to blindly run through the mass of people, ignoring their exclamations of "Hey!", "Watch where you're going!", and various profanities as he'd bumped into them. Before long, he found himself in a quiet, all too familiar part of town.

His chest heaved and lungs burned as he caught his breath, the blur of tears was wiped away with a quick swipe of his sleeve. Casey stood motionless; absorbing his surroundings as the place he first met the hotheaded terrapin. He recalled the moment he first glanced at the mutant turtle; couldn't help but chuckle when they first fought each other; the expression on Raphael's face when his wired hockey glove shocked him.

It was an odd meeting to say the least, but he couldn't have fathomed just how close they'd become. Best friends didn't cover their relationship; Casey long considered Raphael his brother; someone with common interests and similar morals, protecting those who couldn't protect themselves. A similar hatred toward bullies and a strong desire to stop crime in a city they both adored. It was only natural to cling to that friendship; his own family small and broken, Casey found comfort in Raphael and his family.

It was like he finally found where he belonged.

Casey's chest ached as he collapsed onto the sidewalk near the alley; digging his phone out of his pocket, he stalled. Fingers shaking and vision blurring as he stared at the brightly lit screen. Subconsciously, he began to dial a familiar number he'd punched in hundreds of times before; placing the receiver to his ear, he listened to the rings. Eyes sliding closed and tears dripping when he listened to the short voicemail; a rough voice he'd never hear again. A playful punch to the arm or painful noogie he'd never experience. Sitting atop a roof in the middle of the night; whether they just talked about mundane things or just staying silent.

_Beep._

Angrily hurling the plastic device to the cement underneath his feet with a primal cry, Casey shoved his face in his hands, a broken whimper leaving his lips; effectively shattering the quietness that surrounded him. He'd lost so much in his life; whether it be his mom abandoning him and his sister when he was only five or his dad beating him whenever he came home drunk. Hell, even his sister began growing distant in recent years...and Casey found himself alone in a world he never fully understood. Than out of nowhere, this ray of light he'd found after so many years of torment was this unbelievable, if unorthodox friend...a brother...

...and now he'd lost him too...

" _Dammit, Raph..."_ he sobbed brokenly, shoulders shaking with grief as he further collapsed on himself - the bright daylight and sun's rays not comforting in the least. A set of blue eyes from atop a nearby building watched silently as the young man fell apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to reiterate just in case y'all don't read my other stories or follow my DA or tumblr, I am going to be out of town next week so don't expect any updates until around the 19th or 20th. :-) Have a good one! xoxo


	6. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo learns he can't run away from everything and has to come to grips with circumstances he can't control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets a little icky as far as blood and other stuff goes; just wanted to give y'all a heads up if that kind of stuff grosses you out.

Leo ran and just kept going.

Instead of slipping back into the manhole cover once the sun rose over the horizon, Leo stayed upon the rooftop. Pacing fruitlessly along the edge; not caring in the least if someone saw him.

Nothing mattered anymore.

Rage he had never before experienced was running rampant through every vein and artery in his body. His eyes burned fiercely but he refused to cry; denying the fact his little brother was gone even if he saw the body himself. The only motivation Leo had at this moment was his desperate search for why this happened; how this happened; and to get revenge on whoever he deemed necessary.

Leo had always stalled and looked for different outcomes before killing. It was always used as a last resort, but not anymore. That was the unfortunate fate for a couple of Foot Soldiers just hours before. It wasn't satisfying when all of those foot soldiers just turned out to be robots; their warble of electric based wiring and sound effects, sparkles of electricity firing out before going still. Yet it wasn't enough, the leader beat them until they were nothing more than small metal debris and black cloth fluttering in the early morning breeze.

Katanas scratched and dulling; knuckles ached and bleeding were completely ignored as he continued his pacing.

For the first time Leo could recall, he felt lost. Hopelessly so.

Looking out upon the dawning of the sun, he felt no warmth. What used to be a special occasion just to feel those rays on his face felt cold; the numbness filling his veins like ice as he greeted the morning. Loss was a feeling that buried itself deep into his chest; the weight of a ton of bricks lingering in his stomach. Leo never imagined losing someone would physically hurt so much. Of course, early death was always a possibility; being ninjas protecting the city of New York from every enemy imaginable was not an easy task. They all had their share of scrapes, wounds, injuries, lacerations, and broken bones over the years; Raphael seemingly the main one getting the worst of it, but Leo chalked it up to his carelessness actions and brashness. First one in, last one out; yet in the end, they all seemed to make it out okay - mostly worse for ware - but okay.

It was a tough pill to swallow. None of it made sense. What Leo needed was answers. The first place he went after blindly leaving the lair was the exact same spot Raphael had died. The stoic leader stood near the drying puddle of blood for a long time, his body physically shaking and his stomach in knots as he stared at the sheer amount that bled from his little brother's body. Recalling the shade of his skin and just how he'd basically bled out before dying; how he wasn't there to protect him; he'd been in the lair, angry at him for the belief he was merely slacking off. Yet, he was here in this alley, mortally wounded and dying with only April there to comfort him in his last few moments before his life snuffed out like a single candle's flame enthralled in a hurricane.

Leo threw up in a nearby dumpster; but his eyes remained dry.

Once he spat out the remaining bile from his mouth, Leo walked back over to the scene and saw his brother's sai near a wall, two shuriken scattered nearby; he'd found the fatal one near the dumpster and quickly tucked it away. Once he stood back up, Leo glanced across the street to the body of the foot soldier yet to be discovered by police or his other so called "comrades".

Slowly, he approached the body; cringing upon seeing his brother's weapon embedded in the corpse. Leo tensed up before placing his foot upon the still, cold figure and suddenly yanking the bloodied sai from the corpse's stomach. The squelching rip the body made when an object was removed was grating on his sensitive ears and nauseous stomach, but again, it was ignored. This piece of garbage who took his brother's life was not worth it he muttered internally, gingerly placing his brother's weapon to the side. Fiery rage took over and he'd bodily shoved the corpse onto its back, the arms stiff and remaining upright from where they died on their side; rigamortis already setting in; the leader didn't dare even think about the similar state his brother's body was currently going through.

Leo roughly grabbed the mask and pulled it off and couldn't help but jump back in abject horror. It was just a kid - a teenage boy probably younger than Casey - for some reason, Leo expected, even _wanted,_ to see a monster under that mask; a horribly scarred, deformed, evil person who was capable of murdering his little brother in cold-blood...but he wasn't. Only around 15 years, dirty blonde hair, soulless brown eyes staring back up at him...this was some young kid probably trying to prove himself to his boss by taking out a sworn enemy. A rebel teen who grew up in a troubled household and took comfort in a sick demented idea of a _"family"_ on the streets and joined the breaches of the Foot Clan. This wasn't some hardened criminal who'd been practicing ninjitsu their whole life and was a soulless assassin... This kid was most likely just flung out into the thick of it and ordered to prove himself...it wasn't a trained shuriken throw...

It was a lucky shot...

For some reason, that made it worse...

Leo couldn't help but vomit again, the acidic bile rising in his throat as he stumbled toward the dumpster. Once his stomach calmed, Leo leaned heavily on the rusted metal container, not caring how it's sharp edges were digging into his forearms. His body began trembling again; everything inside of him wanted to scream, his hands shaking as he reached for his katanas. His wobbly legs miraculously still held him up and once his twin steel blades were in his hands, he began slashing across anything in his path, dumpsters, loose trash bags, railings and brick walls all bearing new slash marks within a few seconds. He was a loose canon at this point, the adrenaline pumping through his veins as he attacked anything in sight. For a solid five minutes, he rampaged through the alley, screaming and defiling anything he could get his swords on - the anger was unquenchable. His body was not invincible though; his rage made him clumsy and before long, he'd accidentally slashed his own hand.

Wincing at the sudden pain, Leo dropped his swords, hand gripping tightly over the slit.

" **Dammit!** " he roared, feeling the warmth of blood polling slightly underneath his fingertips. He pulled his hand away to fumble in his pouch to retrieve a small roll of gauze and a tourniquet to stop the blood flow. It was almost a subconscious motion as he wrapped it over the wound. Everything inside of him was pulsating too fast, heart hammering and everything _hurt_...

Legs shook before he finally collapsed right there; spending the remainder of the pre-dawn hours just sitting; staring at some fixed point, his stomach still in knots as the hours ticked by and Leo was lost in his own troubled mind. He tore over every second - every instant the past 24 hours had contained. It would have been so easy to dissuade Master Splinter from allowing April to go on patrol with his younger brother. So easy just to follow them to make sure nothing went wrong - to have stopped that shuriken from killing his brother. As the hours passed, he'd went over every possible scenario that would have had a different ending... but after hours of pondering, Leo knew it was useless. He mindlessly fingered his new bandage as his mind wandered...nothing that occurred now would change anything... The rage imploded inside of him at this thought. When his mind cleared, he became aware of the warmth of the sun began cascading on his skin.

Without anything else to do - he ran away. No longer being able to remain at the very spot his little brother took his last breath. Leonardo wasn't sure how long he ran, his pulse hammering in his ears as he made his way across the town in a blind fury, being sure to stay in the shadows as the sun made its way higher in the sky. Momentarily taking time to stop in order to take out some pent up aggression on a few unlucky Foot Clan robots that for some reason were till out during the day. His feet finally stopped in an alley; where he was, he didn't care to know, all that mattered right now was the fact that his heart was now just a festering wound.

The air around him still reeked of death and the coppery scent of blood embedded deep into his nostrils even if he was no longer at the bloody alleyway where Raphael breathed his last. He'd glanced down at his hand and saw fresh blood staining his bandage. Auto-pilot took over and he'd began tightening the gauze; as he did so, Leo suddenly tensed upon a presence he felt traveling near. Instinct took over; the motions embedded into him since birth - to stay in the shadows regardless of circumstances. Forgetting his inner torment, Leo made his way up the side of the building and stared at the person running through the streets like a blind madman - upon closer inspection, he recognized the figure as no one other than Casey Jones.

Without even realizing, he began following the skiddish teenager - noticing how the lanky human was acting strangely; clumsy as he sprinted down alleyways and knocking into random faces on the street. It was a strange sight indeed. He followed him down a few more blocks where Casey just stopped. Leo's eyes narrowed, staying silent as he awaited to see what he would do next. Blue eyes calm and stoic as Casey collapsed into the curb, taking out his cell phone and just staring at it for a long time before his fingers began moving along the touch-pad.

In Leo's sensitive ears, he heard a voice that made his heart skip a beat. The sound of his little brother's voice-mail - a gruff voice he already missed. The burning in the back of his eyes increased ten-fold when he heard that voice; a particular sound he'd never hear again - not from his mouth anyway. The momentarily quelled anger returned with a vengeance as he continued to stare at the young man, who began weeping loudly even as pedestrians and citizens walked through, sure to leave plenty of distance in circling around him. Gazed of confusion and curiosity - what made Leo's stomach curl into itself is that no one was stopping to help - not even to ask if he was okay...

This city of people who he'd protected and defended with their very lives didn't care even for one of their own... A young boy weeping on the side of the road didn't seem to be worth their time... The stoic leader shook his head at the sight, anger embedded like cubes of ice in his gut as he stood to his full height and took off running once again - the destination unsure as Leo continued to look for answers he'd never find.


	7. Abandoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April’s world continues to crumble underneath her feet.

The lair was quiet once Casey’s footsteps faded into nothingness. April was left alone on the couch, her heart aching and throat searing like fire. She was not prepared or even realizing that she’d broken the news to Casey until she heard him sobbing and begging her to tell him it was all just a lie. How badly she wanted to repel her statement...

How she’d give anything for it to be true...that Raphael wasn’t dead...

But lying to herself about it now would only make it worse in the end...especially after Leo’s wrath. Her body still trembled as she recalled the look in those fierce blue eyes. Never had she seen Leo lose his cool; he’d been the epitome of stoicism and calm, so to see him so broken, so enraged, scared the living daylights out of her. If it was any other time, she would have argued with him; her fiery Irish heritage would account for that; but now, she understood his anger and she felt as if she rightfully deserved for him to strike her down. It was her fault that his brother was dead. Her distraction that caused Raphael to protect her (such was his nature); losing his own life in the process.

That small fraction of a second where she looked away and ignored obvious movement in the shadows was the difference between her easily being able to defend herself and his demise.

April’s stomach churned as she buried her face back in her arms; flashes of images bombarding her troubled mind. Again having to witness those last few moments of one of her best friends in the world dying in her arms; blood pouring out of his neck and only her small hands to deter it. The liquid warm and thick coiling over her fingers as she fruitlessly tried to staunch the bleeding to absolutely no avail... The light in those normally fueled green eyes dulling before sliding closed forever.

It all just happened so fast...

The shock was still dominant in its hold over her and she didn’t even want to fathom what was going to happen when it finally wore off and the absolute world-shifting pain would finally envelop her in grief she couldn’t possibly imagine...

“April?” A soft voice broke through her thoughts as the silhouette of Master Splinter was caught in her periphery.

“Yeah?” she croaked back seconds later; voice rasped and raw from crying and sobbing the past however many hours had passed...it already felt like a lifetime...

April felt more than witnessed Splinter sitting next to her, his heavy weight causing her to maneuver her weight to keep herself upright; a task that felt monumental to her shattered state. This was the first time he spoke to her. The first time he approached her was after Leonardo had left and she was left crying on the dojo floor, never wanting to get up. The elderly rat had handed her a bundle of clothing; the material old and grey, but would fit.  
She’d stared up in confusion at him; her eyes wet and nose running, but his face was stone. He was always a master at hiding every emotion and he was using it to his every advantage. The only direction he gave was a tilt of his head toward the bathing chambers and he left back toward where he came.

Auto-pilot took over at this point, the obedience he’d drilled into her showcasing his master teaching skills had her standing to wobbly legs and heading toward the bathrooms. Once the door was closed and locked behind her, April finally caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror and nearly collapsed to the floor again. She was saturated in blood. The lower half of her shirt, jean shorts and leggings were stained red, the rest of her, even her hair, covered in flecks and splatters of the burgundy substance. The redhead barely opened the toilet lid before hot bile shot out of her throat and tears once again leaked from her bloodshot eyes.

The pain was unbearable as she threw up, again and again.

Once her stomach calmed and she was able to take in a breath, she quickly flushed the toilet and ripped her clothes off with her eyes closed. Not even wanting to see the fabric near her again -- knowing she’d been wearing it the whole time; showcasing to his brothers and father just how much blood their beloved brother and son had lost before he died... It was sickening. April leapt into the shower, the water blood-chillingly cold, but she didn’t care, her eyes firmly closed as the blood was washed from her body; the chilled pellets smashing into her skin. The clear cool water stained by rust before pooling down the drain...

Images swirled in her head -- images she’d give anything to unsee -- to undo. Her legs suddenly folded underneath her and she landed on her rump on the hard porcelain with a loud thud; the pain from the fall not even registering to the internal pain and grief that already enveloped her. April pulled her legs up to her chest, arms folding upon her knees before she quickly buried her face into them. The tears came quickly; her raw, quiet sobs being drowned out by the constant spray of water upon her curled form.

Crimson-stained water dripped and swirled around her form...it took a long time before it was clear again.

When she walked back out into the living area, everything is quiet. Mikey is absent from his spot on the couch and Splinter and Donnie are nowhere to be seen. April doesn’t even stop to wonder where Leo had gone...Instead, she ambles toward the couch, careful not to trip on her too long pants before sitting down in the very spot Mikey vacated; it’s no longer warm. April isn’t sure how many hours pass by before Casey’s voice comes through the turnstiles...

“I think it’s best you return home.” Splinter’s voice rings out, bringing April from tormented thoughts she’s certain will never dissipate. It isn’t until a moment later when the words sink in and in the first time in what feels like forever, a spark of life ignites in her chest.

“What!?” she shrills as best as she can even with her throat raw. The thought of leaving; the very inkling of having to go home and face the outside world again when all she wanted to do was fall asleep and never wake up was daunting... More frightening was the fact of where it came from. Splinter had never asked of her to leave; over the course of the many years she’d known the turtles, they were always welcoming. The elderly sensei going out of his way to make her feel at home in their lair...and now...he was outright asking her to leave.

“Please understand, Miss April... I did not expect to lose Raphael last night -- I never suspected I’d have to relive the pain of losing a child...this time to death... The reason I am still functioning is beyond me -- perhaps it is one mercy I’ve granted through this. Understand that I do not blame you, for it was R-Raphael’s choice to save you, but I do think it’s best that me and my sons are alone right now. We need time to grieve...and perhaps find a proper location to b-bury...bury my son...” his low calm voice cracking near the end, yet his eyes remained faceted to some fixed point; his tear-filled brown eyes not turning to peer at her in the least.

“Bury him? B-But...where? You guys live in the sewers! You can’t bury him down here! You can’t! H-He deserves so much better than --”

“That is our burden now, April... For what reason fate decided to take him, we cannot hope to understand but we must do what we have to.” he interrupted rather firmly. “Now, please...honor me by obeying my orders, young one. I think it is for the best that you head home now.” when his eyes finally met hers, April felt a chill go through her spine. The pain etched in those fatherly eyes was insurmountable; fresh tears dripped down her face as she witnessed it.

“M-Master Splinter...” April whimpered, hands shaking as she wanted to reach out and comfort him; apologize profusely for what she caused; wishing that somehow, she could trade places with Raphael at this moment; anything to wipe that pain away from his face. Anything for Raphael to come waltzing through the door -- to be here and restore his shattered family.

“I will contact you when we have a funeral of some sort...but for right now, me and my sons just need time to grieve and perhaps if you’re not here, my Leo will be more willing to return. I pray you understand....” a weathered sigh left his furry lips, before he continued as if just clearing his head, “...a father should not have to bury a child, but it is my duty as his father to do so. To honor my son... Listen, I’m not asking you to walk back alone, I have woken Donatello and he shall drive you back home; I suggest you go.” the words firm and final as he stood to his feet and directed a furry paw back to where April realized Donatello must have been standing the whole time.

The genius terrapin’s back was turned, arms crossed as he stared out toward the turnstiles. April swallowed a lump in her throat as she turned back to where Splinter was -- but he was gone.

“Let’s go.” Donnie spoke and it was in a voice April swore she never heard come from his lips. The voice was dull and lifeless; a rasp that was more befitting the hotheaded brother they’d lost -- a voice that didn’t fit with the normally happy and upbeat Donatello.

“D-Donnie...” April whispered to try and get him to talk, but the violet-banded turtle walked out the turnstiles toward the Shellraiser without a single word; leaving April to hobble after him.


	8. Abeyance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone begins to realize that things will never truly be the same...

Heavy padded steps were not disguised in the least as they continued to their destination; stopping right in front of a waist tall metal gurney and a body covered in a crisp white sheet. Breaths were short and labored, paws shaking as they laid down a few sticks of incense and a candle on a nearby table.

Splinter took a few calming breaths through his mouth before he gingerly pulled back the cloth from his son's face - the shock from seeing Raphael in this state nearly brought him to his knees. As much as he wanted to collapse and break down, he stayed calm; his mind a torrent of emotion as he went through a ritual he'd remembered from what seemed like centuries ago. A time in Japan; a similar ceremony he'd had for his late father and mother; a way to honor a life and give them guidance for the next.

Never did the elderly rat think he'd ever have to perform it again.

After the death of his beloved Tang Shen and the disappearance of Miwa, Splinter had become a different man. He'd dealt with his lover's death and daughter's disappearance in stride; his anger and thoughts of finding his daughter keeping him going for only a short time. Recalling so many moments he wanted to give up and the time he nearly did was when he found those four small turtles in the sewer, swimming in a radioactive substance, that his body and whole world began to change; almost as quickly as they had.

Those four boys all uniquely different yet the same in many aspects. Their bodies changing and growing rapidly; taking their first steps, words forming, and personalities blossoming forth. It was a difficult but rewarding time to say the least.

Each of them swiftly and completely stole his heart; an accomplishment Hamoto Yoshi would never believe could happen after losing his wife and daughter. Yet, these four beautiful little turtles gave him the chance to love again; to pass on his ninjitsu and carry on his legacy...and have four sons to cherish him just the same.

Leonardo always followed his instructions like a finely oiled machine; so dedicated and determined to make him proud. His quest for perfection made it only natural that he chose him to became the leader of the group.

Donatello was a creative sort; always finding new ways to do things and while not the best at ninjitsu, Splinter soon realized Donnie had a different gift. One that allowed him to create and invent things that would help the whole family thrive in the sewers they were forced to inhabit.

Michelangelo was a fun one; his unending joy and humor always putting a smile on his face; the presence of the smallest of the turtles always warmed his heart...even if his pranks were not always welcomed with the same smile.

Then there was Raphael. When he was very young, he was clingy yet always seemed to need far more attention than his brothers with the trouble he always found himself getting into. As affectionate as Raphael was as a very young child, he was the first to spur affection, instead, relying on his anger and stubborn independence to get him through training, patrol, or life in general. He was the most difficult to raise of his children but it only made Splinter more determined to raise him right. It took a lot of patience until Splinter found a way to make Raphael harness his inner rage to his benefit; using said anger as a weapon rather than a crutch to lean on. It wasn't easy but was very rewarding in the end for Raphael grew to be the strong one whom Splinter never worried about; always fiercely protecting his brothers and showcasing a loyalty the elderly master never would have believed his hotheaded son to possess.

The ninjitsu master's heart lurched, having to look away from his son to grab the items he'd brought. With shaking hands, he lit the incense; the once soothing aroma felt like black smoke in his burning lungs and laid the small sticks in a holder before pressing his hands together in prayer. He spoke words, verses, and prayers that felt empty; it was like he was on auto-pilot, saying and doing things just out of sheer obligation... He didn't want to feel at all right now, because when he did, it would be devastating; knowing deep in his heart that he would never recover from such a loss. When the final verse crossed his lips, the elderly rat opened his eyes and gazed solemnly at his son lying just so unbelievably still on a table. He recalled his son always so full of life; never fully being able to stay in one place for long, the energy he always radiated, and the aura he exhumed. Seeing him lifeless; knowing for certain he'd never have another chance just to speak with him, punish or lecture him, or even just pat him on the shell and say just how proud he was of him...

Splinter suddenly found himself struggling to breath, knees feeling so incredibly weak as his paws moved of their own accord, gently cradling his son, an arm wedged between his nape and his shell; the other cupping his face. Cradling him much like Splinter remembered doing so many years ago; that little turtle with the biggest green eyes and fiery spirit that would jump into his arms and grab at his whiskers. The rebellious little tyke who always looked out for his brothers but wouldn't hesitate to pound each of them into the mat. Who grew up short in stature yet had a heart and loyalty that far outgrew his physicality; the one that Splinter always counted on to watch out for his family. A trait Splinter would never have believed came from the same turtle who was once so difficult to train and manage. How Raphael grew into such a loyal young man; the anger and stubbornness being used to help him in battle rather than deter him.

A thin claw gently skirted across the turtle's sharp cheekbone, padded fingers trembling in realization of just how cold his skin was. A lump clogged his throat as he stared at his second oldest child; fathoming the reality he found himself in. Knowing for certain that he wasn't coming back; this wasn't just some hellish vision...Raphael was dead. The guilt eating away in his gut when he recalled how uncertain his son was about April going on patrol yet Splinter insisted upon it. Everything inside of him lurched when he acknowledged that Raphael was right...April wasn't ready and it was as if he'd sent him to his death...As easy as it would be to blame Miss April like his eldest did; Splinter knew if there was anyone to blame, it would be himself... Yet deep in his soul, he knew Raphael wouldn't.

A small smile that turned into a grimace on his face as he recalled his son, picturing and even hearing him saying, " _It's not your fault, dad._ " with nothing more than a shake of his head, shrug of his shoulders, and arms crossed stubbornly over his chest.

"...I am _so_ proud of you, my son..." Hamato Yoshi's chest heaved and he let out a debilitating sob before burying his face into his son's frigid shoulder; the most uncomfortable pull in his soul as he allowed himself to fall apart...only this once.

* * *

The drive was silent, the only sounds that were perceived were the tires treading over the asphalt and the whoosh of other cars zooming by. The air in the vehicle was stagnant with the smell of blood; the coppery scent imprinted in Donnie's nose. It was a smell he never cared for and knowing it was from his late-brother just made it worse; the stain on the floor of the Shellraiser would never leave even after being washed away; much like the imprint of his older brother's death...

"...Donnie?" April's voice rung out suddenly; the small raspy sound almost lost to the commotion occurring outside the vehicle.

The genius terrapin remained quiet; his throat was completely raw and he was just so tired... His body begging for sleep just to get out of reality for just a moment. Everything inside of him hoping this was all just some demented fever-dream caused by way too many late nights and too many cups of cold coffee. But then flashes of images of his own fingers shaking while plunging a needle and surgical wire into skin; sewing that gaping gash on his brother's neck closed after washing the cold body of the vast amount of blood that came out of it. The feel of his brother's frigid skin when he buried his face into his shoulder and begging him to come back even if he knew it was futile...The acidic bile rising in his throat to acknowledge the fact his big brother was dead and never coming back... So many questions as to what occurred and Leo's absence just all came to a head when a voice rang out again.

"Don?"

Donatello didn't answer, a barely perceived shake of his head hopefully indicating to the redhead that he was in no mood to speak. The calm demeanor that was awash over his body the only thing keeping him from outright sobbing uncontrollably until his voice was gone and his tears ran out much like what happened last night.

"I'm so sorry, Donnie... I-I never imagined this would happen..." April sobbed brokenly and the sound of it would normally rip his heart out, but he just felt numb. "P-P-Please talk to me, I..."

"Not now, April." he spoke and his throat screamed at the use of his voice.

"Donnie?"

" _Not. Now_." the reiterated, his eyes blurring as he adamantly kept his eyes glued to the road.

April grew quiet, her shuddering breaths and sniffles were ignored as Donnie approached her apartment she shared with her father. He parked near the entrance and put the Shellraiser into park and waited silently for her to exit the vehicle. His eyes watching the people walking along the brightly lit sidewalk; the fact he was driving around this vehicle during the day didn't bother him now. He witnessed the happy faces, people conversing and acting as if everything was perfect in their world as his just continued to crumble further in on him.

Donatello waited for the sound of her door opening and closing signaling her departure, but it never came. Brown eyes watched solemnly as two boys (most likely brothers) chased each other along the sidewalk; the image of it causing him to swallow a sudden lump that clogged his throat. The anguish in his chest just hurt so badly and he valiantly ignored it even as April's eyes refused to leave his face.

"We're here. You can go." he spoke and the words sounded grating to his own ears.

"Donnie, please I..." April cried, reaching and the second her fingers made contact with his arm, he retreated as if burned.

"Please just GO!" he shouted, tears that were so adamant to stay in his eyes now trailed down his cheeks.

"..."

"April, please... Leo's AWOL, Mikey and Splinter are a **mess** , and I just had to sew my brother's neck back together!" he screamed, still refusing to look at her as he white-knuckled the steering wheel in shaking hands. "I don't want to talk about it! Just GO! I'm sorry, but...please... just go..."

The silence that blanketed over them could be cut with a knife; but it was soon broken when the sound of her door opening and closing signaled her departure. He didn't even wait to see if she made it inside okay before pulling away from the sidewalk. Somewhere inside of him he hated that he had to treat April like that but another part of him didn't care in the least. The only thing he cared about at this moment was finding Leonardo; so when he was at a stoplight, he tapped into Leo's t-phone signal and was determined to bring him home because if they were going to make it through this...they needed to remain together.


	9. Severed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo loses himself in anger as Donnie is left to pick up the pieces.

* * *

Leo stared out across the expanse of the water between the islands and toward the statue of Lady Liberty floating on Ellis Isle. He couldn't recall the last time he'd ventured this far outside of their normal stomping grounds but his legs just gave out and he was forced to stop along the roof of an abandoned building. Taking a deep breath into burning lungs, Leo's mind wandered to things he still had yet to acknowledge and confront...the leader had spent so much time just running; hoping that distance from the events occurring back at the lair would dull the aching in his chest. He couldn't recall the last time he'd been more wrong...

If anything, he felt even worse.

The extent of the agony he'd felt at this moment was absolutely impossible to convey. It was all-encompassing and he was utterly incapable of focusing on anything else; yet not a single tear was allowed to fall from his steel blue eyes.

Leonardo Hamato forced himself to become numb, to simply ignore the gut-wrenching pain in his chest and focused on finding answers - finding reasons as to why his brother was dead...and mainly find those responsible... Yet his own responsibilities began appearing in the back of his mind; his duty as leader to his family felt more like a curse at this moment. He didn't want to go back to see how much Donnie was hurting yet hid it behind big words and fake smiles. To fathom the pain and grief etched in his father's eyes over having to lose a child in the most brutal way possible without any rhyme or reason. To having to comfort Mikey; his youngest brother who wore his heart on his sleeve and who desperately needed comfort and support that Leonardo himself could not give. The worst thing he surmised would be being forced to be within close proximity of his brother's corpse...to have the guilt of knowing he wasn't there to protect him the way big brothers are supposed to; that he allowed his little brother to die even if he couldn't have prevented it, the guilt still remained.

Leo simply just wanted to disappear...

Looking down at his dead t-phone, he had the urge to just toss it into the water to put even more distance between himself and his family but every time the urge rushed over him, he'd placed it back in his pocket. The precious images, voice, and text messages from Raphael were far to valuable to just throw away on a whim. Instead, he pulled out his brother's sai (he already washed the blood off the three pronged blades and handle) and stared at the weapon as it lay in his shaking hands. After taking it out the first time, he found himself just flipping it back and forth in his hands; testing its weight and how it felt in his clenched fist. His mind couldn't help but wander back to the exercise Splinter gave them with using different weapons and had a new respect for his hotheaded brother. While the sais were strong weapons, they were short, which meant that you had to be in close contact with your enemy and had very limited tactics when fighting. It just further confirmed Raphael's need to jump in first and ask questions later; it shone a lot of light as to why his brother fought the way he did - it was the most effective.

Hands moving without his permission, Leo found himself re-tightening the leather bands much like he saw his little brother doing on so many occasions. While Raphael was not much for meditation or deeper mental training, his red-banded brother was passionate about weapons; he'd spend many an hour sharpening blades, reapplying leather and waxing all of their weapons even without being asked by Splinter to do so. It was just something his hotheaded brother loved to do and for some odd reason, it was this action that caused the most tightening in his lungs and heart; because Raphael should be the one to do this.

Not him.

Leonardo suddenly placed the weapon in the notch on his belt, his chest heaving as he tried to quell the inexplicable pain that quickly shot through his body. Blue eyes peering at the city just as the sun fell across the horizon; Leo wanted to find anyone who may have been responsible for the hit on his brother's life. It didn't matter if he dismantled the entire Foot Clan single-handedly, he was going to do everything in his power to make sure they paid for his brother's death...in blood...

* * *

" **Dammit** , Leo!" Donnie growled, slamming his fist into his computer in the back of the Shellraiser.

The purple-banded terrapin had tried tapping Leo's phone signal numerous times but the T-phone had died hours ago and he'd been uselessly been trying to get a read on it or the last place there was any sort of signal - but it was all to no avail. He'd even gone as far as to visit multiple placed his eldest brother could be yet he was nowhere to be found; fruitlessly driving the greater New York City limits for hours searching and searching before he'd pulled over when the van was about to run out of gas.

Standing to wobbly legs Donnie made his way back to the front of the van, ignoring the notification beeps coming from his T-phone. He was not ready to talk to Mikey, who had left him at least a dozen messages and voicemails varying from mumbling and sobbing, begging him to come home, and asking him where Leo was. He plopped back into the driver's seat, rubbing his face with shaking hands. If he was honest with himself, he didn't want to go back to the lair - if he stayed out, his older brother's death didn't feel real. If it was up to him, he'd rather deal with this personal purgatory than go face his baby brother and father right now. He just needed time...and needed to find Leo...

Even if Leonardo didn't want to deal with the fact that Raphael was dead, he needed to at least be there for all of their sakes...

After what seemed like countless more hours of searching, Donnie had finally given up when all leads just lead to dead-ends and any possibility of places he had found had dried up much like his gas tank. If anything was certain right now, it was if Leo didn't want to be found, he wasn't going to be. The moon was high in the sky and the in the middle of the night when the genius terrapin pulled back into the lair, his heavy steps and even heavier heart making their way into the much too quiet living room. Collapsing upon the couch, he was asleep before his head even hit the cushion - his dreamless sleep a welcome reality to the hell he'd been through - it was really too bad it was only for a couple hours...

* * *

Donatello was awoken by a feather soft touch on his shoulder and a question he wasn't ready to answer.

"I'm sorry to awake you my son, but have you found Leonardo?" Splinter whispered, his voice strained and raspier than Donatello was used to hearing; removing his paw from his child's shoulder after speaking.

"N-No, Sensei." Donnie mumbled sleepily, begrudgingly pulling himself into a seating position. "I looked everywhere - I tried tracking his phone but it died a long time ago so it's no use... I-I really don't where he is, Sensei. I'm sorry."

A frustrated whisper left the rat's lips at the news but his hand reassuringly reappeared on his genius son's shoulder. "You did well, Donatello. Do not worry; he will come home in his own time. I'm certain of that..."

Donnie found his face in his hands again; the unbearable grief he'd been experiencing was taking a toll on his body and soul. It was as if he'd lost two brothers instead of one. He tried to remain strong, he really did, but he was just tired... _so tired_... His body shook, shoulders bobbing as big fat tears started leaking from behind his hands and dripping along his palm. The silence of his tears weren't lost on his father when arms suddenly enraptured him in warm fur and the soft fabric of his worn kimono.

The genius suddenly felt three-years old again, burying his face into his father's chest and silently sobbing. The release of tears calmed his tormented heart for awhile; the embrace and scent of his father depleting the sadness just a fraction but it was noticeable. Only moments later, Donatello reluctantly pulled away; as easy as it would be to just fall apart in his father's arms, the genius terrapin forced himself to remain strong and as calm as was possible in this ever increasingly depressing situation. Splinter's arms relinquished but the elderly rat still had a hand resting on his shoulder and that was plenty of comfort for the violet-banded terrapin for now.

The room was quiet, just the hum from a few electronics and the lights could be heard. Brown eyes glanced upon the lair; taking in small articles of Raphael's left behind; a tattered red pillow, a crumpled magazine, and an empty can of his favorite soda deposited near the base of the couch. He'd left them there that night thinking after patrol he'd be back to clean them up...but that never happened... Along with his discarded items, the rest of them were left behind to pick up the pieces his death brought upon all of their lives. The grief was nearly unbearable, leaving his chest and soul feeling scraped and raw yet Donnie fought the urge to cry again. If Leo wasn't going to be here to be the strong one and Raphael was gone, Donnie had an obligation as the next eldest son to do so...and oh, how wrong it all felt...

"I-I just...what are we going to _do_ , Sensei?" Donnie finally spoke, his voice sounding like a foghorn in the much too quiet lair.

Splinter took a quick glance back at the rooms making sure Mikey was still asleep and once he was satisfied that his youngest was indeed still sleeping, he answered, "Take it one day at a time, my son. That is all we can do," wiping at the few betraying tears that escaped.

"I mean with Raph, dad... I mean I can try and preserve his body as long as possible, but...eventually, we need to do something!" Donnie muttered, a numbness washing over him as he forced himself to discuss what they were going to do with his brother's body.

"..."

"...Dad?"

A tired sigh left the rat's mouth before he answered, "I know, Donatello... _I know_...but I'd rather wait until we can discuss this as a family..."

"So, we're just going to wait til Leo decides to show his face before we even _think_ about a funeral?! I can only preserve his body for so long with the machinery I have and I can't keep going into my lab and seeing him just _laying_ there like that, I-I _can't_ , dad! I just **can't**!" Donnie screamed, wiping furiously at the tears that escaped.

"..."

"Dad?!"

"We'll give him another three days Donatello. Please - I'd rather Leo come back on his own terms...and we'll decide where and what to do with Raphael then."

"...We're really going to have to bury him in the sewers...aren't we?" Donnie asked, his stomach turning just bringing up their only viable option of laying his older brother to rest.

"...We'll do what we have to, my son..." Splinter spoke, his knees wobbling slightly as he stood to his feet. The elderly rat looked at his child; a warm paw pressed upon his shoulder before softly squeezing it in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

"Three days..." Donnie muttered once Splinter left the room; his own anger building at his eldest brother; his leadership and guidance needed now more than ever...

* * *

 


	10. Vengeance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo takes revenge on those he believes are responsible.

* * *

_Vengeance_.

It's the most basic of instincts - to take retribution for yourself or for someone in your family against another one that has wronged you.

For Leonardo, there was simply no other way.

The blue-banded turtle was known for many things: a leader, eldest brother, son...or by Raphael's words - lame-o-nardo, daddy's boy, strict, space nerd, fun-sucker, brown-noser, and perpetual stick in the mud.

A bitter chuckle left his lips at the many colorful names his younger brother had called him throughout the years. It was one of Raphael's greatest joys in life to drive him crazy and burrow under his shell to make him itch. It used to really bother him, bringing him to the brink of insanity; the way his hotheaded brother would deliberately break orders, stay out after curfew, miss training, ditch patrol, and argue with him every single chance he got.

It wasn't always like that though. It only started after Splinter named Leo the Leader.

Before that time, they were the closest brothers could be; watching each other's backs, pushing each other to be stronger, run faster, have fun, make trouble but don't get caught...

An almost smile raised Leo's lips the first time he recalled Raphael talking him into sneaking out of the lair when they were kids. It was the first either of them had been outside the safety of the sewers; pushing open the heavy manhole cover with their barely defined four year old arms. The two turtle tots flew up the closest fire escape and just ran in circles on the huge rooftop (the world seemed so much bigger then...), enjoying the sensation of real wind across their face; the smell of clean air compared to the dank stench in the sewers, not to mention the glory of the night sky... Leo knew it was wrong and hated disobeying Splinter's orders but when he knew Raph was going to go up top regardless, Leo knew there was safety in numbers; and he couldn't let his hotheaded brother have all the fun...

It was the greatest nights in his young life; enjoying the world above for the first time; the sights, smells and sounds all-encompassing and incredible to absorb into his little four year old body. It was only better to experience it with his brother; he recalled patting his brother's carapace and promising never to tell Splinter what they did...and Leo had kept his word to this day...

It was soon after this that Splinter named him leader; gave him his katanas and blue mask.

A day that changed his and Raphael's relationship forever. At first, Raph didn't seem to care but over time, resentment grew and Leo began spending less and less time with his now red-masked brother in lieu of spending hour upon hour and day after day in the dojo under Splinter's watchful gaze and strict training. The relationship between him and Raph shifted again when they began patrolling; Raphael would purposely do things and go against orders whenever he felt Leo was in the wrong. Leo; being frustrated would constantly remind him that he was the leader and he said goes and the look that crossed his green-eyed brother's face still made a chill go through his shell... The look of betrayal was not one he ever seen his brother wear til that day...

He'd never felt farther away from his brother at that point...

Over the years, it began to change again; they'd grown closer as they matured but it never returned to the way it was; that was the biggest regret Leo felt at this point because now, not matter what he did, ...he couldn't change it. Raphael is dead and all that time he could have been spending in order to get as close as he used to be with his little brother again was brutally snatched from his hands.

The familiar sense of anger running through his veins at the face swiftly returned as he stared at the top of the building where Shredder's hideout was located. The rage inside of him as so incredibly great, he felt as if he could single-handedly take on the Shredder himself. It was a foolish thought he knew, but he'd never had a greater purpose than at this very moment.

Vengeance...Revenge on those who were responsible for taking away his brother way too soon far exceeded any of his own doubts and moral code.

With this thought, he struck.

Leonardo was numb, the only emotion that fueled him now was unquenchable rage. His years upon years of training was honed into his body as he swiftly landed in front of the hideout; the guards outside didn't stand a chance. The dozen footclan robots fell into a heap, their wires crackling with electricity as he stuck his katanas through their heads and necks in a series of furious and deadly motions. Once the last robot went completely silent, Leonardo was already on the roof, staring down through the glass and to his shock and dismay, no one was present. Their hideout unnaturally eerie and still this night; the "throne" where Shredder usually sat was empty, Fishface and Dogpound were nowhere in sight. A twisting in his gut furthered; his desire to seek vengeance still humming throughout his body as he glared daggers upon the seat which Shredder sat. Every logical thought in his body was halted when he suddenly cracked the glass with his elbow before jumping from the top into one of the pools of water.

Steel blue eyes opened under the liquid, eyes searching for the familiar form of the mutated fish/robot but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't there. Breaking the surface of the water, Leo swam to the edge of a platform and pulled himself up before running throughout the compound looking for anyone to confront; his body honed like a skilled assassin, he infiltrated every room. Running into and lying in wait, he quickly dismantled hundreds of robot soldiers, there was absolutely no satisfaction of fists and swords only hitting wiring and metal...he wanted the splattering of blood. The spraying of that warm substance upon his cool skin to add life to his chest again; vindication - perhaps if he got vengeance, he'd have closure and his brother's death wouldn't seem so... _useless_...

The thought of his brother dying in vain completely ripped something precious out of his chest. His hotheaded brother didn't deserve to go out so easily; so quickly... He silently recalled a conversation he had with an eleven year old Raphael... The red-banded turtle was lying on his chest in front of the television and Mikey, Donnie, and Splinter were off doing their only thing leaving the two brothers alone. They had just returned from patrol and it was the first time life was lost in the process, and Leonardo thought it fitting that Raphael would be the first to kill; even if it wasn't intentional. There was an armed robbery; shots fired, sirens erupted and three men ran. Two of them were quickly arrested but one got away.

Raphael followed.

A few blocks down, the man still had yet to tire, his body obviously fueled by drugs or another substance. Not wanting him to get away, Raphael flung a sai hoping just to hit the man in the leg to put a stop to him when the man suddenly fell on uneven cement, Raphael's sai missing it's initial target of the leg and instead, severing his spine. Raph stood shocked upon that rooftop for awhile when they found him. He was staring down at the lifeless body of the man who never got up again... Leo was the one to retrieve the weapon and the walk home was silent; Raphael collapsed in front of the television, hoping watching the bright colors and ridiculous ads would numb him to what just happened.

Leo was the only one in the room during that time. His only thoughts were knowing it would happen eventually, but Raph wasn't as prepared as the leader thought he would be.

It was also he first time he'd seen his little brother cry since he was three.

Raphael just buried his face in his hands and silently sobbed and as much as Leo wanted to put his arm around his brother, he knew he'd be pushed away and create an even bigger canyon between them. It was enough for Leo to know Raph was comfortable enough with him to allow such emotion to come forth.

They learned later on the man had killed two people robbing the warehouse and that dulled the pain a bit for Raphael but Leo was certain he never forgot about it. Later that night, his normally hotheaded brother had a heart-to-heart confession. He explained to his blue-banded brother that he didn't want to die like that; instead, he wanted to go out in a blaze of glory; taking down hundreds of enemies and dying honorably after he could fight the onslaught no more. _"Kinda like that Gladiator movie"_ Raph said with a chuckle and Leo couldn't help but flinch for the thought of losing any of his family was not a thought he ever pondered for too long.

...never knowing that only five years later he would be living it...

Leonardo's steps were heavy as he ransacked Shredder's hideout. Banners ripped down, furniture destroyed, and any foot clan robots dismantled; yet, the hole he had inside him continued to grow. If anything, destroying the place wasn't helping anything only increasing the pain that he felt. Vandalizing wasn't vengeance, he needed blood; he needed to fight and if he died taking retribution for his beloved brother's death - so be it. Leo left the hideout from the front door, leaving the door wide open if anyone wanted to rob the place, Leo wouldn't even bat an eye and secretly rooting for them to take everything

* * *

Cold water splashed upon his face, a public water fountain in central park providing the water his body craved. While anger was fueling any needs for food, water was different entirely. After ransacking Shredder's hideout, he'd nearly collapsed upon a rooftop miles away and an incredible thirst outshining the anger that rested in his belly. As he focused on the small droplets running down his skin and off of his chin, he suddenly froze when he sensed a presence behind him...a very familiar one...

Before the person could blink, Leo had drawn his sword and the tip was dangerously close to their neck. As he looked into Karai's almond shaped brown eyes (so much like Sensei's) the attraction he no doubt felt for her once upon a time was completely diminished. All that remained was the rage at the fact that she was indeed aligned with the foot clan and Shredder, even called him father, and that meant she was just as guilty as him...

* * *

Karai was frozen in place; her body tense and rigid as she took in his stance. This was not the Leonardo she was accustomed to; the real Leonardo was the epitome of calm and fluid, his body honed with rigid discipline. This Leonardo's aura and stance were ones she witnessed in his red-banded brother; tight, full of rage, and completely reckless... Speaking of whom, the three-pronged weapon that brother carried was notched in Leonardo's belt; the reason as to why Leo had it was a question Karai wasn't ready to ask. Instead, her brown eyes flicked down to the sword, the air of it slashed across her neck and if he'd only been a centimeter closer, he would have easily sliced through her skin.

Something was wrong...

Karai lifted her gaze to meet his; the cerulean blue of his eyes that usually held the calmness of low-tide waves and the stillness of vast oceans was now a torrent of icy rivers; splashing this way and that, slamming into rocks and breaking down the earth. The torment held in his gaze made her chest feel funny; the normally calm, stoic Leonardo now seemed to be an entirely different person. As cold as she'd like to appear, there was always a soft spot for the blue-banded turtle but as he held his weapon to her neck, the first feeling of real fear began to rise in her stomach.

Karai had never feared Leonardo before...

Faking calm, Karai's voice was liquid silk as she began speaking, careful not to move a muscle in case he decided to strike. "Leonardo...what are you doing here?"

"What are _you_ doing here?" he countered, his voice like a razor.

"Well, for one, you destroyed my house. It may be Shredder's hideout, but I still live there you know." Karai whispered smoothly, using her peripheral vision to look for any escape route should the turtle make any further moves. "Secondly: You dismantled all our Footbots. Hmm; I told father those bots were a bad idea; clumsy, faulty and lousy swimmers but considering how many you took out tonight, at least it'll be much easier to cleanup than blood I suppose."

When Leo didn't respond to her goading, she continued, "...and thirdly: in all the time I've known you, you've never struck me as a vandalizing type... So, why change it up now, Leonardo?"

The calmness of her voice must have gotten to him, for his sword lowered barely an inch, but it was a start.

"...If you're not going to give me a decent fight, just get out of here...before I change my mind." he said and for just a fraction of second, she saw something in him break.

"Not until you tell me what is wrong."

"Heh," he laughed bitterly, "since when in the hell have you _ever_ fucking cared!?"

The use of profanity was not one that ever stained Leonardo's lips; he was like a Choir Boy, always prim and proper; never allowing curses to fall from his mouth.

"Leo..." Karai whispered; the torment in his blue eyes causing her to feel something she never had before in her life...

"Get out of here... **NOW**!" he screamed and the sword was back again, the tip of touching her skin right above her larynx. A thin trail of blood began dripping down her neck yet she forced herself to remain calm; the pain not yet registering even though her heart was furiously hammering against her sternum. and that was the moment his eyes were cleared.

Within a millisecond, the sword was gone and sheathed. Leo looked horrified; his eyes wide, the pupils mere pinpricks as he stared at her and the blood on her neck. The long strand of crimson in sharp contrast to her almost white skin; it was as if he was experiencing a horrific flashback she knew nothing about.

" _Leave_." he demanded, his voice sharp and loud against the calm night sky.

"L-Leonardo."

" **NOW**!" he demanded in a bellowing roar and for the first time, she obeyed him, backing away to keep her eyes on him when he spoke again, "...and be sure to tell Shredder to get ready because I'm coming for him..."

A sudden flash had him disappearing in a fog of purple smoke and Karai hacked at the amount that filled her lungs. Her eyes darting around the vacant park to catch a glimpse of him - but he was gone. The young kinouchi didn't even notice her hand rising to touch her new wound; the pain sharp as she made contact with the cut. It was the first time she'd felt fear for her life and it was inflicted upon her by someone she thought would never hurt her.

"Leo...what happened to you...?" the words were a whisper that was lost on the wind.

* * *

 


	11. Arrangements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirby comes home and finds out the truth while Donnie and Splinter are left wondering what to do.

* * *

 

"...April?" the anxious voice of Kirby broke out into the apartment four days after he'd left for an out of town conference.

When he walked in, he'd noticed many things - first - it was filthy. There were dirty dishes in the sink that had been there for quite some time, sodden laundry washed but never inserted in the dryer, and there was not even a dent in the groceries he'd bought the day he left. The most alarming out of all of these was the fact that April had not answered his calls after the first day since he'd been gone. Panic laden in his system, he'd rushed home a week early to find his apartment the way he'd left it. Anxiety buried deep into his gut, he'd made a beeline for his daughter's room, with heart slamming against his sternum, he swung open the door and to his relief and surprise, April lay on her bed; eyes glazed but blinking as she stared at the ceiling.

Kirby ran to her, touching her sweaty forehead and brushing back the greasy bags that clung to her skin.

"April, sweetheart, what's wrong? Why didn't you answer your phone? I was worried _**sick**_!" Kirby demanded, swallowing down the lump in his throat and trying to calm his breathing when his daughter's eyes finally met his. The normally bright blue irises were dull, the whites completely bloodshot and dark purple bags underneath was enough to know something was terribly wrong. He watched as April's eyes cleared for a moment as if she just realized he was actually there. The second they did, fresh tears filled her eyes and her lip wobbled for only a moment before she launched herself into his arms with a raspy sob; burying her face into his jacket and crying like he'd never seen her do since she was a child.

"April, please, tell me what's wrong, sweetie..." Kirby begged, arms immediately wrapped around her now incredibly thin, shaking frame; hands rubbing soothing circles on her back as she sobbed. It was apparent she hadn't eaten in days...

"R-Raph's _d_ - _d_ - _dead_ , daddy..." April's sobbing voice was muffled into his now tear-soaked jacket.

Kirby's heart lurched at the words; he wasn't particularly close to the turtles that April loved, but Raphael had become a fixture at their house as of late. Coming over and watching movies or playing video games with his daughter after he'd walk her home from school on occasion. The few conversations they had personally were nice; Raphael was respectful if a bit quiet, speaking only when spoken to but with April, he was loud and boisterous; his dry humor always causing his daughter to laugh. To acknowledge the fact that same boy was dead; his first thought was disbelief - Raphael seemed to be the strongest out of the bunch and for him to die at such a young age was shocking to say the least.

"W-What happened, April?"

"It was all my fault!" she screamed into the fabric of his clothes, her small fists tightening into the brown corduroy.

"...What do you mean it was your fault?"

"R-Raph was walkin' me home a-and there was this... _*whine*_ this guy...a-a-and I don't know! It all happened to _**fast**_! _*sniffle*_ Before I even realized what happened, Raph was already on the ground and he was b-bleeding _everywhere_..." April pulled her face away from his chest and looked up at him; the grief etched so deeply into her eyes as she continued, "I couldn't stop it a-and he died in my arms, daddy! H-He just got so _quiet_...a-and I tried _everything_ , but just he wouldn't wake up!...It was my fault it happened...it's because of me that Raph's dead!"

Kirby flinched when she suddenly pushed her face into his chest, short fingernails digging into his jacket as the sobs rung out throughout her room. The middle-aged man wasn't sure what to say in response to her story. His heart crumbled further as he listened to his child's cries and the fact this young man died while saving her life.

"I'm sorry, April...I'm so sorry..." he whispered into her hair, cradling the back of her head. Words failed him; he couldn't find other words to tell her to comfort her - what she told him next just twisted inside his gut further.

"Donnie and Leo **hate** me now... Mikey's a mess...a-and Splinter said they're gonna bury Raphael in the sewers, daddy! R-Raph's one of my best friends! He deserves so much _more_ than that! I-I just don't know what to do, dad... I can't believe this is _happening_!... I just want him _back_...* _whimper_ *...I miss him _**so**_ _ **much**_..." his daughter sobbed into his chest and Kirby began to feel the dampness that was leaking through his jacket.

His mind was a torrent of emotions - not even fathoming what Raphael's family was going through - _especially his father_...

Kirby shuddered the thought of losing his April - she was all he had left in this cruel world and by April's story, it sounded as if he had to thank Raphael for that. The fact that the boy lost his life while saving his daughter filled him with all-encompassing grief; the burning of tears forming in his eyes as he cradled his daughter that much closer to his chest.

Helplessness washed over him as he thought about how he could possibly help his daughter and the family that just lost a son and brother... Just fathoming the thought of those kind mutants who saved him and his daughter multiple times having to bury one of their own in those dirty sewers wasn't right. Raphael had saved his daughter and in turn lost his own life - he did deserve much more than a tomb in those underground tunnels...but what was a simple human man to do?

It wasn't until many long minutes of listening to his beloved April's cries and his mind full of scenarios later was when he realized he _could_ do something.

"I have an idea." he spoke softly against the side of her head and April flinched at his words, going as far to pull her face away from his chest to peer up at him with tear-stained and heavily bloodshot blue eyes.

"W-what?"

"I think I may have a place for him."

"W-What d-d-do you mean, daddy?" April sniffled, wiping hopelessly at the torrent of tears leaking from her bloodshot eyes.

"...What about Northampton?"

"Northampton?" April asked with furrowed brows and the saddest blue eyes he'd ever seen.

"I know it's been forever since we lived there but I still own the property and the most important part is it's secluded. It needs a bit of upkeep, but the land is beautiful; if he's buried there, his family can go and visit him whenever they want..."

"...dad, I dunno, I..." April mumbled, head shaking and body trembling in his arms.

"April, it's the least I can do for them...for Raphael... I owe his family...and especially him for saving my little girl..." he whispered, allowing a few stray tears to fall down his cheeks as April buried her face in his chest once again. Her soft sobs seemed to increase and all the redheaded man could do was hold his child to him and silently thank the boy who saved her life.

"But dad, Splinter told me to leave! I-I just can't go back there!" April shuttered in his arms, small hands clutching the fabric at his sides.

"I'll go with you." Kirby whispered, running a large hand aside her head to turn her face up to him. "Now, get dressed and we'll head over there."

April stared at her father for awhile until his hand pulled away. She watched with bated breath as Kirby stood to his feet and wordlessly left her room to allow her to get ready. Blankly staring at the door he vacated from, April couldn't find the strength to move; her body completely exhausted and soul shattered somewhere amidst her bowels.

Everything just hurt...

She didn't want to move, just wanted to fall asleep and never wake up; to not live in a reality where she was responsible for the death of one of her beloved turtles. Yet, every time she closed her eyes, he was all she could see; lying so unbelievably still and covered in blood. Green eyes slipping closed and as much as she screamed and begged for him to, he never woke up...

Wiping fruitlessly at her overflowing tears (she had no idea how they still kept coming when she could barely find it in her to choke down a glass of water), April stood up. Her legs protesting but after what her dad offered, she knew staying here and moping wasn't helping anybody; especially Raphael's family. Her dad offered them a precious gift and she knew she had to go; so with body weak and shaky, April did as she was told.

* * *

Donatello was at his wit's end; sitting silently on the couch, Mikey clinging to him like a lifeline. It'd been four days since Raphael's death and Leo still had yet to show back up. Things had gotten so bad that even Splinter had gone out looking for him for hours but to no avail.

Donnie was questioning if the blue-banded leader ever considered showing his face again. They still had no idea what to do about a funeral; Splinter desperately wanting Leo there to help with arrangements and figuring out just what to do, yet the leader never came home to do so. The genius terrapin had wired his lab much like you would a freezer; keeping his brother's body in a state of limbo to ward off decomposition and everything that came with it. He'd questioned embalming his older brother for further measures of preservation, but found he couldn't do it. He simply couldn't drain the rest of his brother's blood and force chemicals into his veins for his body to remain " _fresh_ "...he just couldn't...

Mikey was having the hardest time with everything. He slept a lot and couldn't eat and whatever Donnie or Splinter forced him to, it came right back up. It was worrying enough to have to give him IV's of fluid and nutrients while he slept without his knowing. Everything was quickly falling to pieces and heading straight to hell. Donatello's days were filled with questions, anxiety, and stomach-turning grief and he wasn't sure how much more of it he could take without completely losing his mind. Splinter approached him last night and told him of a somewhat clean alcove in the sewers he'd found...but none of it felt right to Donnie.

Raph had _always_ hated living underground; he'd dealt with it but whenever the hotheaded terrapin had a chance; he'd be above it (hence his reckless behavior and sneaking out all the time). Being outside was one his greatest pleasures in life and Donnie didn't want for his brothers final resting place to be somewhere down here where it was dark, dank, disgusting, and wet...

It just didn't seem right.

That's when Splinter approached him with a different plan - _cremation_. Donnie quickly shot it down explaining the variables of not having a proficient machine to do so and even if they somehow managed to burn his brother's corpse, the bones, skull, and shell would still remain and to think of how traumatizing that would be to have to sift through his older brother's ashes and have so much residual left made Donnie sick just thinking about it.

All options weighed, Donatello was torn. His soul shivered in his chest as he came to terms with their only options. Looking down at Mikey, he knew breaking down wasn't an option anymore; he had to step up and take over for Leo. Being strong was not as easy as Leo or Raphael made it seem to be; there was such a hole in his heart that continued to widen as the minutes, hours, and days trickled by like sand through his fingers. They were slowly running out of time to figure it all out and as much as Donnie hated the idea, the alcove Splinter had found seemed to be the only viable option which they had to live with... A dejected sigh left the genius's mouth as he cradled the youngest brother closer.

It appeared as if there was no more choice left and he had to accept it.

Donnie was about to pry Mikey's arms off of him to lay him down on the couch when a sudden noise from the turnstiles got his attention. He swung over, praying he'd see Leo standing there (a part of him still expected to see Raphael...and it hurt like hell); instead, it was April with her father walking just a step behind her...

* * *

 


	12. Offering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirby offers Splinter a place to lay his son to rest and hopefully for them to forgive his daughter.

* * *

Splinter seemed to be the least surprised by April and Kirby's sudden appearance; at least, he hid it the most.

Donnie was more or less just numb from the whole experience and how he'd treated her that night he took her home. Sure, he felt bitter at the fact she was the one who was there when his brother took his last breath; going as far as understanding Leo's anger toward her because it _was_ her inaction that caused his brother to lose his life. Yet he did regret how he'd treated the broken girl, but it was because of her that his brother wasn't here anymore so he had ignored that second of regret that night even if it still left a hallow pit in his stomach. This was a girl who normally had him smiling for no reason and now her presence felt completely different. The strong urge to be with her vanished overnight and he'd become numb to those freckles, pretty blue eyes and easy smile.

When she suddenly showed up to the lair out of virtually nowhere, he was a bit taken aback. She looked incredibly thin and just as tired as he felt; bloodshot blue eyes with large purple bags underneath was not the look he accustomed with her. April was broken; like a frail china doll who'd shatter to pieces with the slightest breeze, much like his heart. Yet, the pity and love he once felt for her was gone the night his brother died; he could feel nothing more than pain and guilt; grief that encompassed his heart in its icy grasp. Donnie knew deep down she didn't mean for any of this to happen, like most tragedies, it just did; so while he no longer blamed her over it, it still hurt just the same.

As so why she was here he still didn't know...

The genius thoughts were torn away the instant Mikey wiggled in his arms, the thinning terrapin pressing himself further into his older brother's plastron. Michelangelo murmured nonsensical words in his sleep but they sounded so incredibly sad regardless; even in deep slumber, Mikey was still dealing with the effects Raphael's death caused them. The youngest would wake from nightmares several times a night, screaming out his brother's name, sobbing and begging for him to be there when he awoke. Sleep provided no comfort that it should have for he awoke to an even drearier reality where he'd truly never see his brother again. Taking a deep soothing breath, Donnie focused on comforting the youngest even if it wasn't one of his strong suits; praying silently for whatever God was listening to give his little brother sweet dreams; to give him at least some comforting respite in pleasant memories; an escape from this hell that reality could never offer him again.

April, seemingly ignoring his distressed appearance, walked over to where he sat the couch and gingerly lowered herself next to him; careful to give enough space to not warrant invading his personal space. A sad smile lifted the corners of her mouth but he'd never seen a more forced smile as her sad blue eyes took in the scene of Mikey hugging Donnie in sleep and the older turtle seemingly allowing him to do so. Their eyes met for a few seconds, but no words were exchanged between them; a silence enveloping them as Donnie took a curious glance to her father, who continued to the hallway; his steps quiet as he entered the darkened dojo and out of Donatello's sight.

* * *

The elderly rat's back was ramrod straight as he sat in front of the underground tree; it's branches ghosting over the monumental ceiling and its roots strongly attached to the ground below.

Incense burned lowly from where Splinter sat in front of a row of pictures. Two of the images had occupants Kirby did not recognize from this vantage point; a black and white family portrait of a man and woman holding an infant; the other just a simple sepia toned portrait of that same woman from the previous photo, and the last one a face he knew well - Raphael - an out of focus, slightly blurry image of the red-banded terrapin from what appeared to be taken at least a year ago was surrounded by an old black wooden frame, the gold trim scratched and dull.

It was obvious the older rat sensed the middle-aged man's presence before he had even entered the room but made no move or said a single word to deter Kirby's continuation toward him.

Kirby O'Neil stood about five feet from the rat's turned back before he sat on the floor to await and see what would happen next; allowing Splinter to approach him and wanting to respect the ninja warrior in his Japanese customs April had told him about. The redheaded man sat silently awaiting Splinter's acknowledgment, which took longer than he was accustomed to.

Splinter let out a deep breath; he wasn't sure what April's father was doing here...

He'd wondered for many times these past days why the young woman didn't show up or call; he worried momentarily for her mental health. Deeply regretting making her leave when she was obviously in as much distress as they all were; maybe even more so because she was there when it happened. His son dying in her arms without any way to help him...completely hopeless as he took his last breath in her grasp. His heart ached for a moment as he recalled his beloved Teng Shen dying in his...no one should have to experience something so incredibly traumatizing. If his Raphael had died in his, Splinter knew for a fact he would have completely lost his mind to grief... While regretful of how he treated the young woman, he was just confused and wanted Leonardo to return so badly that he made that rash decision without fully thinking it through...he still felt lost...

Sensing Kirby sitting down, he knew the human would not leave, so wanting to discuss whatever he came for, Splinter reached for the incense, nipping the burning wood between his fingers to put it out in a puff of scented smoke.

"May I help you, Mr. O'Neil?" Splinter asked; turning around and sitting across from April's father.

Kirby awkwardly bowed from his seated position and Splinter was a bit taken aback when he saw fresh tears clinging to the blue eyes of the man in front of him. "I-I'm _so_ sorry for your loss, sir...Raphael was a really respectful child; always kind to my April and myself. I-It's just horrible what happened." the human spoke softly after rising from the bow, hand running timidly along his balding head.

"I appreciate the condolences and...yes...yes, it is..." Splinter replied, swallowing down a sob that wanted to escape and his heart lurched at how difficult it was becoming to reign in his emotions.

"I-I can never make up for your son saving my daughter's life."

"You don't have to make up for it...It was his choice." Splinter reaffirmed; he himself still dealing with that fact.

"I know that, sir, but I - "

"Yoshi."

" _Yoshi_ , I... I-I know about your struggles and April told me how you plan to bury him in the sewers but I..."

"Understand that we do not have any other choice, Mr. O'Neil."

"Kirby. Please..j-just Kirby."

"...Kirby," he sighed, "..It is our burden as a family and I told Miss April that we'd call her before any final arrangements are made, so I do not understand why she came. She didn't need to for we wouldn't have a funeral without inviting her."

"Thank you for that, si- Yoshi. But, I came to you to talk about that."

"..." Splinter's brows furrowed as he heard Kirby's words wondering where on Earth this conversation was headed.

"I don't want you to have your son's resting place to be in the sewer."

"Kirby...You must understand we have no choice. We are not a part of your society; we are mutants and more importantly, we are ninjas, born and raised in the shadows and we have no access to your graves or anything of the sort. It is our burden we must bear." Splinter reiterated, his paws shaking from having to discuss something so painful with a man he'd only met a handful of times.

"...but you don't."

"...what do you mean?"

"I have a place for you - for him - your son, Raphael."

"..." Splinter said nothing but his silence was enough of a cue to have Kirby continue.

"It's called Northampton; it's a farm I inherited from my father; it's been in the family for generations. Best part, it's not too far; just located a couple hours north of here. Beautiful farmhouse in the woods and I own most of the land around it. It's secluded and private - while a little rustic and needs a bit of upkeep, it's beautiful."

"Mr. Kirby, we are survivors. We always have been, a handout is not something we -"

"Please." Kirby said, pulling out the deed to the house and land from his pocket, the folded, worn piece of paper presented to the elderly rat. "It's not a handout, Yoshi. I wouldn't disrespect you or your family like that... What your son has done for me could _never_ be repaid... I have no idea the hell you are going through...I lost my wife too but I can't even _imagine_ the agony of losing a child like how your son died, but I thought that this may ease it...if only a little. It'll give you a place to bury your son; a secluded area that you're free to roam and not worry about anyone or anything bothering you. You could stay at the house and visit him whenever you want; you can even live there if you wish - i-it's yours."

"..." the mistiness built in Splinter's eyes as he forced himself to turn his eyes to the floor in fear he was going to break down.

" **Please**... We're both parents. Your son saved my little girl...this is the least I can do for you...for _him_. So, please...just take it. It's yours; I-I want you to have it." Kirby reiterated, hands slightly shaking as he continued to hold out the papers towards him.

Closing his eyes, Splinter felt a trail of tears leaking from his eyes and a sturdy five-fingered hand upon his shoulder. "D-Does it have water?" Splinter asked, his voice breaking but he didn't care anymore.

"Yeah, it has a few large lakes nearby and lots of little creeks and streams."

"Heh..." Splinter said and a sad laugh left his mouth as he wiped his face of tears but to no avail as they kept coming. "He always did love to swim..."

"..Then I think he'd really like it there." Kirby reiterated, valiantly keeping his own emotions in check as he watched this father fall apart. Knowing how easily they could have changed places that night had this man's son not protected his daughter.

"I think he will..." Splinter whispered, reaching for the worn piece of paper before giving him a teary smile. "You don't know how much this means to me and my family...Thank you, Kirby."

Kirby didn't reply with words, just squeezed his shoulder and exchanged a shared look of grief; he stood to wobbly legs and left Splinter in peace.

"Come on, April. Let's go." Kirby said, walking out into the living room area.

Without replying, April gave a sad smile to Donatello before standing to her feet and followed her father out of the lair where the purple-banded turtle watched them leave with confusion over what just took place.

* * *

Splinter's steps were heavy as he walked into the lab, the cold instantly seeping into his skin but his fur kept him warm. He walked the distance to a metal gurney, a body wrapped in a white sheet that was pulled back to reveal his son's lifeless face. The father did not bother hiding his tears; the warm trickles of warm water rolling in torrents down his cheeks and a few trailing off his whiskers as he looked upon his deceased child. One paw rested atop his Raphael's still chest, the other upon the curve of Raph's frigid forehead, gingerly brushing his claw in a caressing motion over the grayish-green skin and frayed edges of the red mask that adorned his face.

Long minutes were spent just looking at his dead son; the pain and agony like burning coals in his stomach. Willingness to do anything to trade places with him but knew it was futile. It was a pain akin to nothing he'd ever experienced even if a great burden had just been lifted from him. Splinter feared there would be nothing that would dull this ache; the pain of loss and just how much he missed him so overwhelming it almost caused his knees to buckle underneath him.

"Do not worry, my son...you'll be home soon." he whispered brokenly, leaning down to give his cold forehead a lingering kiss before covering him back up. The elderly rat headed toward the exit of the lab and froze near the door, looking back at the gurney where his son lay. "I love you so much, Raphael..." he whispered, standing there for a long time before finally turning off the light and closing the door on his way out.

* * *

 


	13. Preparations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The funeral at Northampton draws nearer and many preparations are underway...but where is Leonardo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got a bit out of hand with the length, but wanted to catch each character up to one point in time and this was the easiest way to do it.

* * *

"Dad?" Donnie asked the second Splinter closed the lab door behind him.

Brown eyes looked to his left where his son, Donatello, was standing; the mutated rat didn't question how long the genius had been waiting for him to reemerge, deciding to answer him instead.

"Yes, son?" Splinter replied, wiping any residual moisture from his cheeks and eyes.

"Why was April and Kirby here?" Donnie asked, brow ridges heavily furrowed as he looked up at his father.

"...Is Michelangelo still asleep?" Splinter responded with another question.

"No. He woke up a few minutes ago but I got him to watch some television."

"Hmm...Then let's go discuss this with him, shall we?" Splinter said, gesturing to the living room with an extended paw.

Donatello didn't answer, instead following wordlessly after his Sensei.

Splinter sat on the couch next to Mikey, who had gathered up Raphael's pillow and blanket, cradling the items to his chest; teary blue eyes looking toward the bright flashing lights of the television at what used to be his favorite show but his response to it was akin to staring at a brick wall. The mutated rat immediately began caressing his youngest child's shell; the strokes soothing and gentle as he allowed Mikey to curl closer to him until his head came to rest upon his chest.

Donatello took a seat next to this father, muting the television before all attention went to their Sensei.

"To answer your previous question, Donatello, Mr. Kirby and Miss April came here to give us an incredibly generous gift."

Donnie looked confused at the news while Mikey's eyes actually showed a flash of emotion they hadn't seen in days.

"A gift, dad?" Donnie muttered, hands wringing in his lap; a nervous habit that was slowly getting out of his control by how chaffed his hands were becoming.

"Yes, my sons. It appears as if we have a place to bury Raphael now. Mr. O'N- _Kirby_ graciously gave us a farmhouse and piece of land he has a few hours away from here. It's secluded and beautiful from what he told me; I think it would be a perfect place to...l-lay him to rest."

"Wait...H-He just gave it to you?" Donnie asked, brow ridges heavily furrowed and confusion lacing his bloodshot brown eyes.

"Yes, Donatello." Splinter replied, placing a comforting hand on his genius son's shoulder.

"Where's it at?" Mikey asked, his voice small and raspy from disuse.

"He called it Northampton; the address is in the deed he gave me but from what I know of the area, it's fairly deep in the forest and mountains north of here. I think it would be the p-perfect place for Raphael." Splinter replied, hating how his voice cracked at the last part of the sentence.

"Yeah..." Mikey muttered, burrowing his face into his father's chest. "I think he'd like it..."

A sigh of relief left Donnie's lips at the news, his eyes roving to a place off in the distance. It was as if a physical burden had been lifted from his shoulders but there was still one lingering doubt echoing in the back of his mind. There were so many questions he wanted to ask his father but did not want to in front of Mikey.

The trio grew quiet at the news, an almost comforting silence. The youngest turtle curled closer to his dad, blue eyes closing of their own accord as he rested against Splinter; the elderly rat immediately moving to caress the terrapin's head, his fingers playing with the small ends of the orange mask.

Within moments, Mikey had fallen asleep on his father's chest and Donatello knew now was as good time as any.

"What are we gonna do about Leo, dad?" Donnie whispered, trying to meet his father's eyes but they were locked on the small turtle curled into him. "What if he doesn't come back before we leave?

"We'll give him another day or two, Donatello, but I do know we need to leave as soon as possible so if it comes to it, we'll just have to go without him. It's not something I _want_ to do but it has to be done if need be." Splinter answered calmly, nails softly skirting over the back of Mikey's head. "D-Do you think that time is enough for you to build a sufficient system in the Shellraiser for which to transfer him there?" Splinter asked, his teary eyes finally meeting the brown of his genius child.

"Y-Yeah. That should be enough time."

Splinter nodded in reply before his eyes fell to Michelangelo once again. "Good. I shall watch Michelangelo if you'd like to get started on that. We'll leave at sunset two days from now...hopefully Leo will be back before we go..."

"I hope so too." Donnie sighed, standing to his feet and heading to the lab to begin construction on the containment unit when his father's voice stopped him.

"Donatello?"

"Yes, Sensei?" said terrapin asked, turning back to where his father sat.

"Would you be so kind as to go to Miss April's apartment to inform her of our plans? I'm sure her and her father would like to know when we plan to leave...and to invite them to join us of course."

"Hai, Sensei." Donatello replied, giving his father a quick bow before changing his direction toward the turnstiles.

* * *

April aimlessly surfed the internet; her laptop whirring quietly in her lap and the heat from the fan caressing her bare legs. It's been her only sanity since she returned with her father from the lair tonight; getting her mind focused on _anything_ but the grief that was still wedged like a hot boulder in her gut.

A sudden knocking on her window had her nearly jumping out of her skin.

Everything inside of her screamed and prayed for it to be Raphael standing outside. So many times he'd visited just like before etched into her mind like a demented record. Seeing him knocking and giving her a look of disdain that she'd overslept and missed morning training. Or he'd sneak over at night to bother her while she tried to do homework, pulling her away from an important assignment to beat her in a round of Mario Kart or Grand Theft Auto. Raiding her fridge and finding her secret stash of chocolate in her dresser when she was too enthralled in a movie to notice; those memories had fresh tears stinging the back of her eyes when she met Donnie's brown eyes instead of Raphael's green.

April moved to unlock it with her heart heavy and a lump rising in her throat.

"Hey." Donnie muttered softly after she'd opened it; he made no move to go inside.

"Hey..." she replied, wishing she had a chance to change her clothes before allowing the cool night air to seep into her room.

"We're leaving to Northampton on Friday night. I...I just wanted you to know so you can come with us - your dad is welcome to join us of course - you know, if he wants." Donnie said, looking more uncomfortable than she'd ever seen him before.

Pulling unconsciously at her tattered pink shorts, April just nodded, wiping at a tear that escaped when reality of her friend's death rose again to the forefront of her mind. "Yeah. We'll meet you at the lair; my dad probably wants to drive separate so I'll be going with him. You guys can follow us there; it'd be easier to find it that way." she replied nasally.

"Sounds good. Okay...um...did you talk to Casey?" Donnie asked and April's heart lurched in her chest; recalling his screams and his accusations at her before leaving the lair sobbing. She hadn't heard or seen from him since that dreaded moment.

"I told him what happened...but I haven't seen him since. Have you?" she asked desperately hoping the genius had reached out to him in her selfish inaction.

"No, but um, I think it's best we tell him. I just haven't been able to since...well, ya know..." Donnie tapered off and the implications of what he'd been having to deal with was akin to hell on earth and April could easily see it in his face.

"I'll call him." she offered quickly.

"Thanks." Donnie replied, his eyes kept looking over his shoulder and he appeared as if he was ready to bolt at any second.

"...Did Leo ever come back?" April asked and how the genius's face fell and his refusal to meet her eyes, April didn't need a verbal answer.

The air grew quiet around them and the redhead's chest felt as if it would burst. The comfortableness she normally felt around Donatello had extinguished nearly overnight. It wasn't the hatred and anger reeking off of Leonardo in visceral waves, but Donnie was cold to her now. The selfishness she felt at the thought was overwhelming; he had just lost his brother and had to hold up his family when Leonardo disappeared. She should be grateful any of them even spoke to her at all.

"Well, um, I-I better go." Donnie said suddenly, breaking April out of her thoughts.

"Okay. I'll call Casey." she answered easily, the tension was so dense you could cut it with a knife and she'd do anything to dissipate it if she had the power to.

Donnie didn't reply, just nodding quickly at her before taking back off into the pitch black night.

* * *

_Ring..._

_Ring..._

_Ri -_

"H'lo?" a raspy voice answered and it was obvious they'd been crying for days it seemed.

"Hey, Casey..." April replied, holding her cell phone close to her ear to pick up his barely audible voice with the wind echoing on his end of the line.

"...hey, Red..." he muttered in reply and April fought the urge not to cry at the utter despair etched into his normally laid back voice.

Casey wiped at his tears with his sleeve, sniffing a bit after most the wetness was wiped away. He heard her soft breathing over the line and knew she had not hung up. The quietness was viable and painful for all the things left unsaid between him since their last interaction. Casey sat atop a rooftop him and Raph had spent a lot of time; he'd barely been anywhere else since he learned of his best friend's demise. So many times wanting to walk off the edge just to put an end to the pain that encased his heart in death's vice grip. The loss of his best friend and brother was by far the worst pain he'd ever dealt with; the only thing keeping from ending it was knowing Raph would never want that...

Almost even being able to hear his raspy voice saying, _"Don't do it, asshole! Ya hear me, moron!? Don't you DARE!"_

It almost caused Casey to smile...almost.

"We're having a f-funeral on Friday..." April whispered and Casey's heart splintered in his chest at her words. Being away from everything almost made it easy enough to deny the reality of his loss but hearing her saying something he never cared to hear ripped it out of him. Casey didn't answer for long while when she spoke again.

"Case?"

"Yeah...I heard ya..."

"You want to go, right?" she asked, her voice more nasally than he ever recalled it being.

"...I dunno...it already hurts enough without havin' ta see him like that..." Casey nasally replied, wiping frantically at the hot tears that escaped from his chocolate brown eyes.

April grew quiet at his words, most likely in shock at hearing such raw emotion leeching off the normal happy-go-lucky vigilante. "I'm sorry, Casey...I never should have told you like that..." April whimpered just seconds later, deep sobs echoing through his line.

"Nah..." he answered her after a moment. Sniffing a bit before continuing his thought, "I think ya tellin' me was a million times better than seein' him just layin' there not movin' or nothin'...I don't think I coulda took that...At least I can remember him when he was alive more easy; I'd rather remember him like that... Aw, **fuck** , Ape, I still can't believe he's really gone..." he sobbed, his voice breaking at the last statement.

"Me either..." April whispered, sniveling a bit. "None of it feels real at all yet..."

Casey just sighed at her answer, the pain etching its way in his chest at the thought of never seeing his best friend again. "Yeah...I'm still just holdin' out hope that it's all just a nightmare and I haven't woke up yet."

"You and me both..." she whispered before another silence invaded them; both lost in their own thoughts before April spoke again minutes later.

"...So, are you going?" she asked, her words almost getting lost on the wind.

"I dunno...but give me the address just in case." he muttered and April pretended his answer didn't hurt.

"Kay." she replied, reading him off the address and him just muttering consent that he heard and wrote it down on the other end of the line.

"Thanks." he sighed, wiping away some more tears that were chilled upon his face with the wind. Another silence enveloped them as his eyes looked across the city. "Night, Red." Casey said after a moment, allowing her to respond similarly to the sentiment before he hung up the phone and placed it next to him. His eyes flickered to the busy street below, another urge to just jump off and end the torturous pain his heart was in but knew it wasn't and never would be the answer...

"Dammit, Raph...I miss ya, buddy..." he said as if the red-banded terrapin could hear him; brown eyes looking to the sky above. The stars twinkling overhead as he buried his face in his hands and sobs leaking from his tortured throat.

* * *

Upon returning to an all too quiet lair, the genius terrapin donned a winter coat before heading straight to the lab to begin his work; the freezer like state called for needed layers if there were plans to stay there for an extended period of time.

Donnie walked over to his brother's body, his tape measure in shaky hands as he measured Raphael from head to toe, gathering the dimensions needed for the containment freezer they'd have to put him in the Shellraiser for the couple hour drive. Donnie was numb and methodical as he worked; hating how his heart lurched with each and every measurement he took of Raphael's cold, still body. Wiping angrily at tears that escaped, he jotted down numbers into a small pad until he got all the information he needed.

Quickly covering his brother back up with the white sheet, he walked over to his desk and began gathering the items he'd need to begin this installation. Heavy sobs rose to his throat at too many memories that rose to his mind at the worst times. Not finding in him to work at all right now, Donnie left the lab and threw his coat near the door of his lab. Deep breaths filling and exiting his lungs all in dire hopes to calm his frantic heartbeat, he headed to the kitchen to make him another pot of coffee for the long night ahead and hopefully for the caffeine to still his fraying nerves.

As he walked passed the threshold, he stopped, on the wooden doorway were small black tick marks etched into the wood. Each little mark bearing an initial and number next to it. Shaky olive green finger reached out and ghosted over the tallest one he found with a blocky written ' _R_ ' and the number 7 written next to it. It was the last time Raphael had allowed Sensei to measure him for that was the same year himself and Leonardo began outgrowing the other two brothers. Raphael had always detested being short (even though Mikey was shorter still). Donnie had always felt Raph hated him for outgrowing him, for he wasn't really his _'little'_ brother anymore after that.

At least he believed that's how Raphael felt...

Over the coming years, Raph kinda pulled in on himself, Leo becoming leader, Donnie's vast intellect creating a comfortable lair, and Mikey's flamboyant personality and charisma making him stand out from the rest. Donnie noticed Raphael's self-esteem issues early on but it was age seven in particular that hit him hard. For Raphael shot up quick as a child, the peak of his height slowing at a very young age til his oldest and second youngest brother eventually outgrew him by numerous inches.

Raphael felt like a black sheep for awhile after that, training non-stop, becoming the strongest of the group in order to have his own identity, his brash, almost rude personality honed in order to stand out from them in his own way it seemed. Donnie always wondered if that's how Raphael coped with what life handed him. How something as innocuous as height being such a major issue to the seemingly overly-confident Raphael to the outside world; while inside, the red-banded terrapin was anything but. Insecurities over things that no one would notice or care about (not counting that exercise where Splinter had them insulting Raphael to get him to learn and control his anger); Raphael always seemed to be targeted most; acting out in a way to gain attention even if it was negative.

While him and Raphael had never been particularly close siblings, Donnie still looked up to him even if he never told him otherwise. There was just something about how his hotheaded brother carried himself as he got older that made him appear to be the most confident guy in the world. Never letting anyone in to see exactly what was underneath the surface. The embodied definition of bad-boy was a trait that Donatello could never acquire and one that Raphael appeared to grasp too easily.

As his fingers softly ran over the mark over and over again, he didn't notice the wet trails of tears leaking from his eyes. There was a profound emptiness in his heart now; a viable missing piece in his life that would never be recovered. His big brother was gone; a light that was boisterous and sarcastic, teasing him and goading him like older brothers are supposed to. Recalling Raph's protectiveness and always watching their backs; it was now it dawned on him how much Raphael really loved them all without saying it.

It didn't shock Donnie that Raphael died saving someone's life...because that death fit him so well. Raph probably wouldn't want to go any other way...

It broke something precious from his chest to recognize just how much he already missed him; wishing more than anything for the sheer opportunity just to see him again. For the chance to talk to him...if only one last time. Donnie always prided himself on being able to do the seemingly impossible for he'd done it many times yet this was one thing he couldn't. He couldn't save him; couldn't restart his heart or breath...couldn't hope to restore the piece of their heart they lost that day...

Yet, Donnie silently recalled the happy memories; the playful noogies and times he'd visit him in the lab on occasion if nothing more than just to ask him a favor. It broke him inside to know that's all they were now. Just mental glimpses of time that passed by and he'd never recover. Little pinpricks of time that would never be repeated or recreated. There would be no more new ones to take their place; just fading glances of someone he loved so much that wouldn't be there anymore...

"No matter what you thought, Raph...You always were and always _will_ be my big brother..." Donnie whimpered, allowing a sad chuckle to leave his mouth as he swiped his finger over the mark again. The genius reluctantly pulled himself away from the door and heading into the kitchen, to make a pot of coffee and prepare himself for the long night to come.

* * *

Leo hadn't moved from this spot he'd stopped after Karai confronted him.

Eyes fixated on some fixed point as his hands worked tirelessly at sharpening his katanas with a smooth stone he found near the banks separating the islands. Leo's mind was a torrent of questions; of the desperate need to find answers and fulfill much needed vengeance.

He could have killed her.

Just an inch closer, he could have slit her throat and she would have fallen and bled out in minutes...but in that crucial moment; that drip of crimson down her neck had him automatically pulling back.

Flashbacks of his own brother's neck; the crusted blood around that deep horizontal slit shook him to his core and had him running without looking back.

Once he'd found a secluded area in an abandoned building away from everything is where he'd been for the past two days. Every part of his body battled with one another; one side of him regretted just not outright killing her and dumping her body in front of Shredder just to see him squirm before he ended that overgrown tin-can's life.

Another part of him shuttered at the thought; she was still Splinter's daughter, those eyes _so_ familiar... It was this side of him that caused him to pull away even if everything else inside of him that wanted vengeance for his little brother protested this action.

The new demented side weighed in later on. Karai still had a purpose in his final retribution; she knew where Shredder was and she was his best guide to find him and give him the opportunity to end Oroku Saki's life for good. Leo embraced these thoughts as he stewed in the abandoned room; scratching the tip of his katana against the worn wooden floor to test its sharpness. A feral smirk that belonged more on his hotheaded brother rose on his face as the sword easily sliced through the grain underneath his feet like a hot knife to warm butter.

"I'm comin' for you, Shredder..." Leo's chest rumbled lowly as he stood to his wobbly legs. Looking toward a window to his left, the spider-webbed cracks cross-crossing and distorting the view outside, he peered out to his next destination. The revenge-seeking leader was out of the building before another second passed him by.

His destination in mind as he began stalking Karai...and when he found her...he'd find Shredder not far behind...

* * *

 


	14. Keepsakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey has a final gift to give his big brother.

* * *

"Mikey?" Donatello asked curiously, seeing the youngest brother sitting on Raphael's bed and fidgeting with a strand of black leather in his hand. "Hey, Mikey...what are you doing?" he continued, noticing the square of fabric removed from one of Mikey's short mask tails; as well as the one that had been taken out of his own without him knowing about it until he felt a missing piece while nervously wringing the purple fabric just ten minutes ago.

"Making something for Raphie..." he replied, his voice small and hoarse from all the crying he'd... _they'd_ all been doing this past week.

Donatello walked further into the room and gently fingered the small tail of his brother's mask, causing Mikey to gaze up at him.

"You needed pieces of our masks for it?" Donnie asked softly before lowering next to his brother, ignoring it was Raphael's bed he was now sitting upon. The last thing he wanted to do was fall apart in front of Mikey when the youngest turtle had finally stopped crying for now.

"...Yeah... I know I should have asked first, but...I dunno...I just wanted to do this for Raph...and I knew you guys wouldn't mind." Mikey admitted, finally showing Donatello what he'd been working on.

Donnie took in the leather band, the strands crisscrossed into a knotted chord, the pieces of masks he'd taken, minus Leo's of course, but it appeared there was a piece of blue fabric (was that from one of the curtains?) in place of it. They were finely intertwined into the leather to showcase the different color masks...and what appeared to also be a part of Splinter's kimono, April's shirt, and Casey's bandanna. Donatello didn't question where he'd gotten each of the fabrics even if he wanted to; instead, he admired it for what it was, for it was rather beautiful.

"Since we're taking him to Northampton soon, I just wanted him to have a little piece of us...You know, in case he gets lonely when we have to leave him there all alone..." Mikey muttered before the small turtle's face fell and he dropped the bracelet onto his lap and began sobbing quietly into shaking hands.

Donnie tensed at the words but enveloped his baby brother, rubbing smooth circles in his carapace and fighting the burning in his eyes in an attempt to calm Mikey. He needed to be strong now - since Splinter rarely left the dojo since Leo had disappeared and leaving the rest of them alone to grieve, Donnie had to step up as a leader. A position he never wanted and frankly, didn't deserve. He hated it right now - he hated having to pick up the shattered remains of his family as well as his own heart. The pain was unbearable most of the time.

Raphael dying was nothing he could have prepared for. He was taken so brutally and quickly, none of them could have imagined how much of an impact it would have. His death left such a big hole that could never be filled again... If anything, it was only expanding into his dark abyss of which none of them would never recover...

Donnie held Mikey tighter against his plastron, ignoring the sting of tears desperately trying to leak from his eyes, but he wouldn't dare let them fall. Not until he was alone.

Instead, he began speaking to Mikey just words he hoped would comfort him, "I think it's wonderful, Mikey. R-Raph's gonna love it."

"...Y-You think so?" Mikey sniffed, slightly pulling away to wipe his nose with his arm.

"Yeah..."Donnie replied, smiling at his youngest brother and brushing away the remaining tears that clung to his freckled cheeks. "When you're done and only if you want to, I'll let you put it on his wrist, okay? Only if you want. If not, I'd be happy to do it for you, okay Mikey?"

The youngest brother looked down, grabbing the small nearly finished leather cord in his hand. He stared at it for a long time, fingering the different colors ranging from burgundy to light yellow. "...I think I wanna do it..."

"Sure. Of course. Only if your certain though, Mike..."

"I am...Y-You think I can take a few pieces from his mask and make more of these for us? So he can always be with us...even when he's so far away?" Mikey asked suddenly, big blue eyes staring into his brother's chocolate brown.

"...I think he'd like that." Donnie replied with a smile, leaning down to nuzzle his nose against his forehead. He pulled the smallest turtle in for a hug and didn't care as a few tears slid down his cheeks and atop his brother's head.

* * *

Mikey was quiet as he followed Donatello into the lab, the frigid air hitting him quickly before Donnie swiftly shut the door behind them. Brown eyes scanned over the youngest turtle, searching for any signs of hesitation on his face or in his body language, but there were none.

The smallest turtle was firm and sturdy in his movements, finished leather cord in his steady hands as he walked further into the lab.

Donnie would be lying if he said he wasn't apprehensive about Mikey seeing Raphael's body. While not decomposing in the least because of the room and chamber he'd put him in kept his body in limbo, it was still a shock to see Raph like this - even for him who had to wash, suture, and see his body several times a day by this point. But the strength Mikey had showcased this past week was unlike nothing like he'd ever seen. Donnie admitted he'd underestimated his little brother and he wouldn't dare make that mistake again.

"Raph's in here." Donnie spoke softly, walking to an adjoining room which he'd turned into a industrial freezer of sorts.

The youngest turtle shuttered at the frigid air but otherwise, his steps quiet as he followed his purple-banded brother until they stood in front of a gurney.

Mikey swallowed down the sudden lump in his throat as he took in the white sheet covering what was obviously his brother's body. The fabric crisp and clean unlike the blood stained one they wrapped him with before. Some moments like this one, it still felt surreal - none of it fit into reality that his brother was really gone - but Mikey muscled through it. Puffing out his chest much like Raphael would, knowing his big brother would want him to be strong.

Donnie glanced to his brother and saw the flicker of various emotions play across Mikey's face as he stared at the still covered body. His own doubts and apprehension at Michelangelo seeing something so traumatic once again began plauging his mind...it might even start his grieving process all over again.

"You don't have to do this, Mike..." Donnie quietly reiterated, wanting to give the youngest brother an out but still wanting his own decisions to be made as well even if he didn't agree.

"No. I want to." he replied quickly and assuredly, grasping the band he'd made in a tight fist.

"Okay." Donnie said, losing his hesitance, he began reaching over and gingerly pulling off the sheet from his dead brother's face and uncovering his right arm until both were uncovered

Mikey held his breath as the sheet was removed and couldn't help but flinch when he saw Raphael's lifeless face. The tears that burned the back of his eyes ever since he stepped foot into the lab lingered on his bottom lids; threatening to spill over and onto his cheeks. He swallowed back bile that rose at seeing his beloved brother lying so still; skin dark, grayish green and devoid of any semblance of life. The thick white gauze wrapped in a thick layer around his neck covering the wound that abruptly ended his life.

Raph didn't look like he was sleeping as he liked to imagined...he looked _dead_ and it made him sick.

Yet, Mikey remained strong...

Letting out his breath, creating a white cloud of mist in the frigid air, he walked closer to the gurney under the ever watchful gaze of Donatello.

"Hey, Raphie..." Mikey began, fingering the bracelet. "I made something for you. I hope you like it." Blue eyes fell to his brother's hand, slack and palm up upon the folded white sheet.

Donnie noticed Mikey's hesitation and stepped forward, gingerly grasping Raph's hand. Rigimortis had faded and his body was mostly limp if a tad stiffened from the frigid air.

Mike saw Donnie's actions and slowly cradled his brother's limp hand in his own; the skin waxy and icy cold. It felt like nothing like his hand had in life; the second he touched it, he wanted to drop it, but he didn't. Tears that puddled in his eyes started to fall as he began clumsily wrapping the bracelet around his brother's thick wrist.

Donnie wanted to tell Mikey to allow him help, but his tongue remained still.

Once Mikey's shaking fingers finally closed the clasp, he readjusted the band so the colors would remain upright. Holding and pressing his brother's hand close to his chest; heart hammered into his plastron as his eyes gravitated back to Raphael's face. The only sound that punctuated the silence was the sound of his blood pounding through his ears and his own labored breaths. Heart a torrential sea of grief and agony as he stared at his brother; wishing praying this was all still a bad dream...but feeling his cold skin and seeing his unresponsive face diminished all those hopes in their icy waves. Looking down at the bracelet, he grasped firmly at Raph's hand and only one thing he could do came to mind.

"I love you, Raphie." he whimpered, gently placing down the hand and making a beeline for the door before sprinting out of the lab at a breakneck pace; leaving Donatello to stare helplessly after the youngest turtle.

Donnie let out a sigh and he was about to cover up Raphael before going after his brother when his eyes fell on the red mask tied around his face. Wanting to honor Mikey's request, especially after what he just went through, the genius reached for a pair of scissors and wordlessly cut a few squares of fabric from the long tattered tails. Once finished, he was about to cover his brother up, his hands froze for a moment as he looked at his big brother.

"I love you too, Raph..." the words barely a whisper before he pulled the white sheet back over the body and turning off the lights before leaving the lab.

* * *

 Chest aching and body trembling with no end in sight, Mikey could do little more than bury his face into Raphael's pillow. The scent of his brother still strong even with the soaking of tears it received this past week.

The smell was comforting.

If he closed his eyes, he could still pretend Raphael was there in another room on on patrol but would return soon to yell at him to get out of his bed. The thought alone caused a fresh stab of agony to pierce his heart for the second he closed his eyes, he saw his brother again; instead of him alive it was of the image he just saw of him lying so unbelievably still in that freezing room.

Swallowing back another sob that desperately wanted to escape, Mikey laid back upon the worn comforter, burrowing himself into his brother's bed and closing his eyes. Sleep had become almost therapeutic for him; the escape from reality where none of this was real was the only thing keeping his sanity in check. When Mikey used to hate going to sleep in lieu of staying up to do things but now they provided a departure from reality where his big brother was gone. For the hours he stayed asleep, he could almost believe it never happened...but then he awoke...

Sometimes he wished he'd just fall asleep and never wake up; just to stay in a dream where his brother was still there. Green eyes alight and a smirk taking permanent residence upon his face; giving him playful noogies or chasing him down after a prank or just to mess with him. If he stayed asleep, perhaps none of what happened this past week was real; he'd live in those years before that dreadful night took place and just permanently stay there.

Mikey was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't even hear or sense Donatello entering the room and sitting on the edge of the bed. The only indication he was there was a lightly nasal breath and a steady hand placed upon his shoulder. If the touch was firmer, he could almost trick himself that it was Raphael...except his hotheaded brother would have already ripped the covers off and pulled him out the bed and been chasing him around the lair by now...

"Mikey?" Donnie asked gently, pulling ever so lightly at the blanket that covered his younger brother's face.

Michelangelo didn't want to answer; hoping Donnie would just leave him be but another side of him craved; needed comfort he knew his genius brother would give. Stuck between wanting to get caught up in dreams or lose his mind to reality was a hard pill to swallow. Nothing in his life prepared him for losing his big brother; he'd always expected him to be there, to have him around...and the rug was pulled out from under him; flinging him into this dark, endless sea of grief and despair with no boat and no paddle; not even water-wings in hopes of treading its massive waves.

Forced to live in his world where his brother simply did not exist anymore; leaving an empty shell, few possessions, and fading memories in the hearts and minds of those who loved him most. It would be easy, too easy just to sleep and never wake up; to lay down and die in his wallowing grief and sorrow, but one thought kept it above the surface; and that was Raphael.

His older brother would not approve of these thoughts; probably would smack him upside the head and told him to "snap out of it!" Raphael was the symbol of perseverance; going on when everything seemed an impossible wall to scale. Raphael never gave up and Mikey would be dishonoring his memory if he gave up now; and more importantly, Raphael would never want that.

Taking a deep breath, Mikey finally pulled the covers off his face and saw the overwhelming emotion in Donnie's brown eyes. Tears he was so adamant to hold back were trailing down in long tracks down his face. Donatello was suffering just as much as he was if not more; for Mikey had outlets, he had Donnie and Splinter to comfort him while his genius brother suffered in silence.

"You okay, Mikey?" Donnie asked when the youngest turtle sat up, the genius gently rubbing a hand along his carapace in a symbol of comfort that Mikey needed so much right now.

" _No_..." he sniffled, "...but I will be..."

Mikey didn't speak further as Donnie procured a small baggie full of red-fabric squares and handed it to the youngest turtle. Hands shaking as he reached out to grab them, Mikey stared at them for a long time. A vivid memory flashing in his mind's eye of the day Splinter first masked them all; he recalled being slightly jealous that Raphael got red when it was his favorite color but there was something about his hotheaded brother that fit the color better. While the color of fire, blood, and anger, there was a warmth to it as well; it meant danger, strength, and power, but also emotionally intense, signifying love; the fierce protectiveness that Raphael had for all of them. While Raph was not one to speak his emotions, he showed them other ways and Mikey never doubted for a second that his big brother loved him.

An almost smile rose on his lips as he cradled the baggie close to his chest. "Thanks, Donnie." he whimpered, wiping frantically at a few tears that escaped.

"No problem, Mikey. I can't wait to see what they look like when you finish making them." the older brother soothed, running a hand along the youngest turtle's head.

"I'll get started soon." he replied, surprising the older turtle as his arms suddenly wrapped as far as they could go around Donnie's torso.

Donnie froze for a moment, a torrent of jittery nerves soothed as he returned the hug. The brothers were silent as night as they held one another; each in turn just finding optimum comfort in this moment. So many questions without enough answers and while it was too easy to lose themselves to the grief they were battling, they knew together, they could get through it...one moment at a time.

* * *

 


	15. Transport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group are forced to leave to Northampton without Leo...

* * *

Splinter awoke to another morning; the promises and possibilities that used to fill each day with joy and spending more time with his sons was tainted by death.

His second-oldest son brutally murdered and eldest disappearing without a trace; it was enough to bring a normal man to their knees. The all-encompassing grief and agony became part of his every day reality that he feared he would never grow used to. It was akin to almost a constant physical pain, a searing hot, rusted knife piercing his heart before twisting deep in the organ and remaining there as he bled out.

There were so many questions without nearly enough answers; what-if scenarios that haunted each and every waking moment had embedded itself roughly into every fiber of his very being.

This was his new reality...and he needed to come to grips with it.

April's kindhearted father giving him a place to bury his son was a greater gift than he was used to receiving. The preparation taking his mind off the grief for only a brief respite; packing, cleaning, getting everything ready for the trip and for their stay at the farmhouse.

Although his mind was kept busy during this time...the pain remained...

Today was the day they were leaving to Northampton; the day in which they would head to the spot in which he was going to bury his son, Raphael. It'd been almost a full week since that dreaded night that he died and since then, time that used to fly slew to a trickle; allotting him optimum time feel every single painful second that passed without his son. The worst torture you could imagine; yet, he strove on even if everything else inside of him was ready and desperate to shut down.

Walking into the lab, he took a deep breath; his exhalation causing puffs of white smoke to exit his mouth before dissipating into the frigid air. The containment unit was prepped and ready to go in the Shellraiser and it was his duty to move his son to it for Donnie was not physically able to move the heavy dead weight of the body and Splinter would not dream of asking him to do so after all he'd experienced this far. His genius son had taken more upon his thin shoulders than what should have been physically and emotionally possible. Donnie had taken the role he never should have; a leader to comfort his youngest brother, a mortician, and brother responsible for picking up the pieces Raphael's death caused them all. To preserve his older brother's body and be responsible for keeping it from decomposition. It was a task he should have not done alone, if at all, but he did.

The strength of spirit his genius child contained astonished him to no end...

Splinter stared down at Raphael's wrapped body for only a moment before gingerly maneuvering an arm under his neck and another under his knees; pulling the unnaturally heavy, frigid and limp body into his arms and heading over to deposit him in the Shellraiser all while Donnie was tasked with keeping Mikey busy during the transportation of the body to the Shellraiser.

* * *

Donatello helped Mikey pack for the trip and stay at Northampton. They hadn't really discussed how long they planned to remain there but Donnie was certain to pack plenty just in case they decided to stay up to a month's time. The genius brother watched Mikey continue to pack, said terrapin stopping for a moment to clutch one of Raphael's pillows close to his chest like a lifeline; his own heart raw and tattered as he witnessed the silent tears leaking from the youngest turtle's big blue eyes.

Each step forward toward the funeral seemed to take a bigger toll on his heart than the last. Eyes fell to his own wrist, where Mikey's bracelet curled around, the small patch of red having an involuntary pull in his gut. A part of him still silently pondering if this was actually happening or if it was just some nightmare or form of demented purgatory. The sort of pain he'd been experiencing since his older brother's death was almost too all-encompassing to even be allowed to exist.

"Okay. I think that's it." Mikey said, breaking Donnie out of his thoughts.

"Y-You sure, Mike? We might be there for awhile."

"Yeah..." the youngest sniffled, wiping at his bloodshot eyes, "I think so...C-Can I take this with me?" he continued, gesturing to the tattered red pillow and blanket wound tightly in his grasp.

"Of course, Mike. I-If you think you're done, we should get going. I think April and her dad are waiting outside already." Donnie spoke softly, a gentle hand on Mikey's head as the genius stood to his feet to collect the bags.

"Oh. I-Is dad already in the Shellraiser? I didn't mean to make him wait..." Mikey asked, standing up and following after his brother out into the living room.

"It's okay, Mikey. Now, c'mon; we should get on the road before it gets t-t-too late." Donnie replied, hating how his voice broke near the end of his sentence. Donatello opened the door to the Shellraiser where Splinter was already seated. Their Sensei sitting silently in a meditative position nearest the containment unit; leaving the two front seats for himself and Michelangelo.

"Is that the last of the bags, Donatello?" Splinter asked as he reached for the items and deposited them near the others.

"Hai, Sensei." Donatello replied and Splinter nodded his contentedness with his answer.

Upon closing the door and about to head to the diver's seat, he noticed Mikey wasn't in the passenger's seat where he should have been. His vision gravitated toward the turnstiles, where Michelangelo stood silently, his blue eyes looking back out toward the sewers and then solemnly back to the lair and back again. It was obvious the youngest was in distress and deep thought yet Donatello knew now wasn't the time to dawdle when many hours of driving awaited them. They were already cutting it close.

"Mikey...did you forget something?" Donnie asked, approached the youngest turtle and laid a comforting hand upon his carapace and rubbing small circles into the smooth shell.

Michelangelo swallowed thickly before replying, "I w-was just kinda hopin' that Leo would show up..."

Donatello's heart rose to this throat at the utter agony lacing his small, raspy voice voice. "Me too, Mikey...Me too..."

"...W-Why do you think he's not coming home? Doesn't he know that he needs to be here?" Mikey whimpered, bottom lip wobbling lightly as he spoke.

"...I really don't know, Mikey... I really don't..." Donnie admitted with a sigh, chest aching as Michelangelo's eyes gravitated to his feet.

"..." the youngest didn't speak after that, just wiping away tears before wordlessly walking toward the Shellraiser and getting into the passenger seat and buckling himself in.

" _...Dammit, Leo..._ " Donatello growled to himself before he followed Mikey's lead and entered the vehicle.

The Shellraiser started with a gentle purr, the stench of death and blood still heavy in the air but it was ignored as they began making their way back out to the surface. After only a few moments, they drove up to Kirby's vehicle parked near the sidewalk. Checking his rear-view mirror to make sure no other cars were coming in behind him, he stopped by the small silver car. Kirby peered up at the tall van, greeting him and Mikey with a sad wave; sitting next to him was April, who just gave each of them a tight, teary smile from her spot in the passenger's seat.

Mikey was reluctantly to return it but did as best he could even if his smile was a bit forced.

With a stiff nod, Kirby began driving down the darkened road and Donnie wordlessly followed. The night sky foggy and dreary as they drove, the bright lights of New York more bothersome than usual as the group made their way to Northampton.

* * *

April let out a breath she wasn't even aware she was holding. They'd been driving for only an hour and being in this small space was already stifling to her fragile mental state.

"Hey. Are you okay, April?" her father asked, his normally soothing voice didn't have the desired effect.

"Yeah..." she lied, her eyes taking in the flashing lights of the fading city in the rear-view mirror. The reality of the situation getting harder and harder to ignore.

_...Raphael was really gone..._

They were actually leaving on their way to bury him at the farmhouse she'd grown up in.

A place full of bittersweet memories was soon to be a place of guilt and tragedy; a life ending far too short because of her negligence. Never in her wildest dreams did she ever even consider anything of this sort happening to her...or to his family. They'd given so much; protecting the city and its citizens way before she knew of their existence; even their first meeting was of them saving their lives. None of this was fair; his life cut so short because she got distracted and he died saving her...the reasoning as to why he'd do so was still haunting her and she feared it always would...

Seeing how his death effected his family made it all the worse; they were so utterly broken without Raphael there. Leo was missing, Mikey was a wreck, Donnie and Splinter were forced to deal with the aftermath and forced to pick up the pieces even if they'd never fit together quite the same way. There was this hole now. A vital piece missing from their lives that was taken so brutally and quickly none of them really understood the gravity of it yet.

The worst part was knowing the red-banded terrapin really wouldn't be there anymore.

Those bright green eyes never opening again; his voice so distinct would never be heard.

It was devastating to the redhead, not sure how to deal with any of it. She'd mainly struggled in silence, the lack of his presence was all-encompassing and had her heart clench whenever she'd be reminded of it. She'd catch herself calling him forgetting he wasn't going to answer the phone; wondering why he didn't show up to drag her to training. It was an odd sensation to say the least. The absence of him was nearly debilitating; she was unaware of just how much he meant to her til the night he died...

How much she just _missed_ him...how much they all did...

April suddenly found herself sobbing, face buried into her crossed arms as the pain resurfaced with a vengeance.

Kirby could do little more than ignore his daughter's cries, focusing on the road in front of him and prayed they'd be there soon.

* * *

Casey wordlessly carried the last box from his apartment and into the back of a rusty old pick-up truck he'd been given for his sixteenth birthday by his late-grandfather. Silently recalling the argument between his own dad and grandpap over the whole issue. His father was furious, telling the elderly man Casey didn't deserve such a gift and instead of it becoming a meaningful happy memory, it was tainted by another one of his father's drunk rants. It only made it worse when his grandfather died just months afterward and it was only Casey's uncle that was the reason Casey got to keep the vehicle at all. His dad was fine with selling it for a few hundred bucks to buy more beer. Shaking his head at the memory, the vigilante began heading back up the stairs to his rundown apartment building.

Only reasoning was to close and lock up the doors (it was a rough neighborhood after all), Casey froze at the doorway for a moment; taking in the place he'd been living in as long as he could remember. Memories more bad than good; recalling the many beatings and beer bottles he'd been hit with throughout the hellish years. His father's nice demeanor dissipating to alcoholism when his mother decided to leave in the middle of the night for cigarettes and never came back home; his father solely blamed him for his mother taking off.

Never wanting to admit it was his drunkenness and physical and verbal abuse he'd put the poor woman through for years (Casey still held resentment that she didn't take him and his sister with her...) Speaking of whom, most memories he'd had of his baby sis was her crying; begging their father to stop hitting him. Casey yelling at her to leave; not wanting his abusive father to turn the belt, or bottle, or harsh words in her direction.

So many years passed, spent, _wasted_ living in this hellish environment and there was only one person who he told it about... The one person who never judged him, who was always such a good listener despite his short fuse and legendary temper. Someone he considered his best friend and unconventional brother...the same one who was no longer with him.

Brown eyes suddenly blurring as he remained at the threshold of his apartment; the absence of Raphael all the more apparent that there was **nothing** left for him here anymore...

Leaving it behind with a firm click from the door, Casey descended the stairs and climbed into the truck. Staring at the wheel for the longest time before bringing the engine to life, he took one long, last lingering look toward the place he'd called "home" most of his life.

A part of him wanted to go back and grab his sister but knew it simply wasn't an option. She'd grown up; started believing the lies of their father more often than not and began turning against him; the gradual space began to widen; their distance as once close siblings had been severed a long time ago.

Casey looked in the back of the truck, making sure all of his possessions were safely stowed away before he took off. "Sorry." he whispered to no one in particular, having to say something in a moment so life-changing. A quick glance in the rear-view mirror, and he was gone into the night. A small piece of paper etched with an messily-written address staring at him from the cup-holder; his mind made up and few regrets he was leaving behind, Casey began the journey to Northampton.

* * *

 


	16. Fragments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night before the funeral and the group are unsure of how to handle anything anymore. Also, April confronts the one thing she never wanted to or even believed she'd ever have to...

* * *

Arriving at Northampton at breaking dawn, everyone was exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. A lull of silence as Splinter and Donatello were the ones to move the containment unit, holding Raphael's body, into the garage. April guided Michelangelo into the house as her father helped the elderly rat and genius terrapin set up and power up the generator into the garage where the body would remain until further notice. April and Mikey rested in the dusty living room awaiting the others; spending only half an hour until they were joined by the three other occupants. Their next goal was clear: make Northampton livable again.

Kirby and Donatello were tasked with setting up the electricity to the house and turning on the water while the other three went about cleaning up the cabin. An eerie silence throughout the house as they all cleaned the area. Removing thick dust off furniture that hadn't been used since April had lived there as a young girl, washing linens and floors that hadn't been slept in or stepped on for nearly a decade. It was a somber atmosphere to say the least. Only noises were of vacuums and dustpans around the house, the swishing wet noises of the mop on the kitchen echoing like a bomb going off in the house. Once the majority of it was clean and in order, everyone wasn't really sure to do with themselves; going upstairs to pick out rooms to sleep in was hardly time-consuming.

They were beginning to settle in, Splinter gingerly informed the occupants that the funeral would be held the next morning and after the news was delivered, a decisive quietness surrounded the group thereafter. Five occupants tirelessly walking about the cabin and the surrounding areas; mostly just to waste time and keep minds occupied from the reality none of which wanted to accept. It only got worse once the day went on and the sun grew closer to the horizon; night would soon be upon them.

Kirby had arrived back at the farm around 4 with food and a few necessities he'd picked up at the general store a couple miles away. Entering the living room, the tension could be pierced with a knife. The atmosphere all-encompassing and downright melancholy as the group sat on the sparse couches staring blankly at the bright flashing lights of the nearly mute television. It was obvious Donnie had hooked up some kind of satellite to get more channels but his effort was in vain for the one they watched seemed to be one of the only local ones available with its bad video quality and garbling sound.

Kirby quietly walked through the living area with a deep sigh, entering the kitchen and placing the bags upon the counter and his heart nearly gave out when a hand appeared at his shoulder. Blue eyes taking in his daughter who stood awkwardly at his side.

"Hey, April. D-Did you need something?" Kirby asked, moving his arm to wrap around her thin shoulders.

"Do you think Mrs. Sanders still lives around here?" April asked, the name of the woman who constantly gardened, not one he heard in what may as well have been a lifetime ago.

"If she's still alive, I'd believe so. Stubborn lady wouldn't move away from here unless they drug her out in chains." Kirby replied with a forced chuckle, hating how April flinched at the noise. His smile fell at seeing just how broken his daughter was...

"You think tomorrow we could go buy some flowers from her?"

"Sure, I-I think that'd be great idea, April."

"Yeah..." April replied, looking down and toying with the black and red bracelet wrapped around her wrist.

Kirby wanted to comfort her; take her in his arms and hope to alleviate some of the pain she was experiencing but he knew it would be for not. What she needed was time and he hoped it was a good a healer as people claimed...even if he himself didn't believe in the validity. The ache of his wife's absence still haunted him even after more than ten years: it just something that quite never goes away even if it gets a little easier.

"Thanks." April spoke a moment later before she walked back to the living room without even giving her father the chance to reply.

* * *

April was beside herself with grief. She couldn't stand seeing Mikey so distraught and Splinter appearing as if he aged 10 more years in just a week. Donnie was skiddish and avoided everyone like the plague, only speaking when spoken to and always wandering off when he didn't have to watch after Mikey...and there was still no sign of Leo... Her dad was going about shopping and cooking leaving her little to do to keep her mind occupied.

It had become too much for her; opting to hole herself up in her room, she cried. The guilt wedged in her gut had not budged, she feared it would remain there for the rest of her life. This was all her fault... Raphael was gone and wasn't coming back; this wasn't some demented nightmare or some form of purgatory, this was her new reality and she couldn't come to grips with it.

Rubbing her teary face into her damp pillow, she shot up for the second she closed her eyes. Instead of the comfort of blackness, it was all she saw anymore: One of her best friends dead in her arms, the blood staining his body and the ground, the sensation of the warm liquid ghosting over her hands. It was like a phantom pain; not there anymore, but she could still feel it.

It was becoming too much to bear; she hadn't been able to sleep or eat much at all since he died...

Giving up seemed so easy but it was wrong. Raphael died saving her miserable life and for what? Her just to curl up and wait for death... That would be the greatest disrespect she could fathom...

But it just hurt so MUCH...

She missed him, the absence of Raphael was so great it nearly took her breath away; never did she even imagine what living her life without him there would be like. It'd only been a week...she couldn't even **fathom** the rest of her life like this... Not realizing just how much he meant to her until the moment he took his final breath in her arms. Didn't recall how much she'd grown to care, to treasure, to love him and his irreplaceable friendship. Missing everything about him; dry sarcastic humor, bright green eyes, how his eye would twitch when he got especially mad, and of course, that smug smirk he was rarely seen without.

Something akin to a smile tickled the edges of her lips as she recalled it.

The funeral growing close April knew what she had to do. Confront something she didn't want to; she wanted to live the rest of her life believing that Raphael just left - took off somewhere else to live out his life. That he wasn't dead; just gone, happy and accepted somewhere other than here but she knew those lies wouldn't last. Whenever she closed her eyes, they were irrevocably shattered. He wasn't just AWOL, he wasn't just missing or a runaway... _he was dead and would never be coming back._..and she needed to confront it and the fact she was the one who caused it.

With a resolute sigh, April arose and left her room.

The young woman stood near the stairs for a long time; questioning why she'd left her room for she still had trouble being around his family. Not wanting to disturb the small iota of peace they found, she was drawn outside. The cool dusk air was not as calming on her nerves as she'd hoped. As she walked along the property, her eyes fell upon the garage. Recalling Splinter and Donnie speaking about preparing Raphael's body for the funeral tomorrow; the ache that developed in her soul couldn't be ignored. There were so many things going through her mind; so much guilt and sorrow eating her alive. So many things she wished she told Raphael while he was still alive...

Never getting that chance took precedent above all else. Without realizing her feet were already moving, she'd found herself in front of the garage door and opening it.

* * *

"Hey Donnie."April whispered from the doorway, his movements halted in his tracks. Donatello been doing last minute preparations for tomorrow and she was the _last_ person he expected to see.

"Hey." he responded easily; knowing how much him and his family owed her for giving them a priceless gift of a beautiful place to bury his brother and even a home. In hindsight, he regretted treating her the way he did since Raphael's death and knew he owed her an apology but that would have to wait for another time. "D-Do you need anything, April?" Donnie continued, pulling a bit away from the gurney as he readied himself to lead her out of the garage; still not knowing why she was here where his deceased brother's body was stored. Donnie didn't look at her either, mostly in fear she'd see the tears clinging to his bottom lids; he was trying to be strong but it was getting harder by the day.

"I just...wanted to see him...one last time..." she whimpered, not disguising her sobs in the least.

Donnie's eyes widened at her words and the pain lacing her voice. "April, I don't know if that's such a good-" he said quickly turning to look at her for the first time during this conversation.

" _Please_. I-I'd rather not have the last image I have of him laying there completely covered in his own blood... I just...I...can I see him?... **Please**?" she begged, hot tears rolling in small streams down her face.

Donnie took a deep breath, her request going over in his mind; he was awaiting for Splinter to do the final wrapping at dawn right before the funeral. He'd taken him from the containment unit to prepare him for burial so all that covered his brother was a loose white sheet; this may well be her last chance to see him. He wasn't sure if he should be allowing her, but hearing her and seeing just how distraught she was made up his mind for him. Biting his lip, he gave her a terse nod; her soft steps coming toward him to stand beside him.

April was beside him in a moment, standing in front of his brother's body on the steel gurney. There was resolute silence and no movement for a long while when he spoke again.

"...D-Do you want me to leave?" Donnie asked, chest aching as he watched her suddenly move to touch his brother; her small shaking hands as they rested upon his covered arm.

The redhead just shook her head ' _no'_ in response, tears that clung to her bottom lashes landing upon the white sheet; making small gray circles in the fabric. Those same hands trembled fiercely as she moved to pull back the fabric, her hands freezing upon barely lifting it. Donnie wanted to tell her to stop that she should remember him from pictures in life and the memories they had of him but the genius knew she probably needed closure as much as any of them.

"I'm sorry." she whispered, "Y-You're right. I-I probably should be alone."

"It's fine. I'll be outside if you need me okay?"

"Thank you." she whispered and he was gone, the quiet click of the door the only thing signifying his departure.

* * *

April still had yet to pull the sheet back; terrified of seeing him like this. Her mind going back to last week; Raphael full of life, green eyes sparkling, smirking, laughing, cracking sarcastic lines...like he should be now instead of the grim reality she stared down at... Closing her eyes, all she saw was him laying so limp, cold and still in her arms; red crimson staining his face, chest, and his blood pooling underneath... Even through the sheet, his skin was frigid as ice; her hands softly grasping at his motionless arm.

April's blue eyes slid back open, preparing herself for whatever she was going to see. In one swift motion, she'd uncovered him down to his waist. For the first few moments, she forced herself to look at him; ignoring how her chest was shaking, legs wobbling precariously underneath her and blurry her vision was becoming. Using a hand to wipe at the excess tears, she turned back to him; taking in every detail in the bright light of the garage turned morgue. She could almost fool herself into believing he was merely asleep; aside the fact that his skin was cold and colored a dreadful grayish tinge to the normally bright emerald green and aside from the white gauze wrapped over his throat, he looked just as he had in life.

April moved aside the white cloth further to grasp at his limp hand, turning it over to rest her own into his chilled palm; an almost smile lifting her lips at just how tiny her hand appeared in his. For a long while, she just stood there staring at his face; hoping at any moment he'd stir and open his eyes. That this would all just be a bad dream and she'd wake back up to a world he still resided. A part of her still expected this all to be a horrific long drawn-out nightmare but it was worse; it was reality.

A world as to which Raphael was gone; a life cut so brutally short by her ineptitude.

April was certain she'd never be forgiven, not by his family or by herself; there was so much guilt she'd be carrying for the rest of her life and it made her sick.

His family was irrevocably shattered for Raphael meant so much to whom he knew - whether he knew it or not.

Splinter, while outwardly strong looked unbearably hallow inside. Donnie, confused and lost for the first time in his life; given a problem he could never solve, a brother he couldn't save. All charisma and happiness had been drained from Mikey; the youngest so devastated April was uncertain if he'd ever recover or even smile again. Leo...he was gone; no one heard or seen of him since the night Raphael passed away. His absence further tearing a hole into his already fractured family; the leader who never lost calm, who always remained level-headed took off and hadn't returned since. The anger and hostility he held toward her was rightly deserved...

It was an easy emotion to hold on to and a part of April had...she hated being so, but the anger toward Raphael's actions had her questioning everything. She didn't know why he did what he did... It didn't make sense. She was just a friend he'd only come to know better within the 6 months he was training her. It didn't warrant the action he made of saving her life; she questioned if perhaps he didn't see it coming but April was almost positive he knew saving her was a death-sentence to himself yet did it anyway. Willing to die for her; take a fatal shot knowing it meant leaving his family and everything behind...

The pain that filled her chest was immediate, her stomach plummeting to dwell amiss her bowels as she came to terms with that fact...

" _Raph_..." she whimpered as she pathetically grasped his chilled hand in hers. "Why did you do it?!" she cried, hating how her voice broke. A part of her knew asking now was futile; he couldn't hear her but she knew if she didn't ask she'd eventually lose her sanity - whatever was left of it anyway...

" _ **Why**_?..." she whimpered, her knees suddenly wobbling under her and she fell upon his chest, her ear pressing into his plaston plates so hard that it hurt but she didn't find it in herself to care. Still clasping to his limp hand and resting her head on his unmoving, cold chest, she wept; hot molten tears dripping into the knicks, groves, and cracks on his plastron. April did nothing but stare at the underside of his jaw, eyes gravitating toward the gauze that was wrapped securely over his neck. Her other hand shakily reached out, fingers ghosting over the white bandage; covering the very wound that swiftly ended his life.

This just wasn't fair...none of this was...

Raphael had so much life left to life; energy positively endless; always moving, always having to do something to keep busy an active. To see him so still made it all the more apparent of the unfairness of it all. Life ending much to soon and there was simply no retribution - no goodbyes, nothing. Within moments, his life was gone; snuffed out as if he was never there at all. Death was so unforgiving and swift and always when you least expect it. Never did she imagine a simple patrol in a seemingly safe side of town could have lead to this outcome; questioning if it was this that had her putting her guard down that night. A scenario of what-if's and circumstances that would never change anything but still tore her down to her very core. She wanted to know why he saved her when his family needed him so much...

"We miss you..." she whispered; the sentiment and depth of how badly she already felt deprived of his presence overwhelming. The loss almost physical in its viability; it was like losing a part of your physical being; something precious wedged in her chest that had been ripped out and stolen never to be regained. There was so much she wanted to say, needed to, but words failed her. How do you say your final goodbyes to someone what should still be here? The person who you should be trading places with? A dear friend who lost their life by saving yours?

Fingers gently tracing his sharp cheek bones and down his jaw before coming to rest upon the skin that joined into his plastron. She traced the top of his chest armor and the crack that marred the top left plate; the lightening shaped fissure that was so signature to him. Growing quiet, she stared at it and back and him; so many regrets, so much guilt no one should have to bear. It all broke when she never got to ask him how he got it. It was a question she never get to ask or him never to answer; if he ever would have at all. As much as she believed she knew him, there were still so many things she would never truly be able to ask or to say...and that broke whatever sanity she may have been clinging to.

"Oh, Raph..." she cried, chest heaving with painful sobs as she moved to bury to face into the hallow of his throat. " _I'm so_ _ **sorry**_ _..._ " she screamed, the sound getting muffled by his frigid skin.

She was unsure of how long she stayed that way, praying her tears just didn't soak the bandages around his neck. Body trembling as she pulled away to look at him, one hand still clinging to his own and the other resting upon his chest. Words failed her but she knew she needed to say something, anything, and without thinking, she just spoke; words completely unfiltered.

"I-I guess I just wanted to say _thank you_...Ya know, for being my Sensei, my video game buddy, watching and making fun of cheesy horror movies with me..." she said with a sad chuckle that had her voice breaking as she continued, "f-for being my f-f-friend...and for s-saving my life... I don't understand why you still saved me and I probably never will... Oh, God...I...I just don't know what I'm going to do without you... There's still so much for you here. Everyone is just so lost without you; I just don't what we're gonna do..."

"I hope you knew what you meant to us. I wish I said things differently, thanked you more, not argued so much when I wasn't doing a certain kata right. Not been so damn stubborn when all you were doing was trying to help me... I wish I was a better student...If I was, maybe you'd still be here..." she admitted, hating how the guilt clogged her throat.

"I don't why you saved me, but you did. Nothing I can say or do can ever repay that, Raph. B-But I _promise_ , I'm going to do everything to make sure your family is taken care of. Make sure they have food and shelter and make them as comfortable to live as I can. I-I **promise**!" she cried, reburying her face in his throat as one arm went around his neck to hug him close to her. Clinging to him as the reality of the situation crashed over her. "I promise..." she whispered in his ear before she lost herself to grief, loud sobs echoing in the confines of the garage.

It was a full three minutes before she stood back up fully to her protesting legs, she found her thumb absentmindedly brushing along the curve of his sharp cheek bones in smooth short strokes. She knew this was the moment a goodbye would normally pour out; words that bid a farewell to a friend who'd passed but the words she'd poured out so easily before would not come. Goodbye was too painful, too permanent for her to say out loud; saying it would make it real and she simply wasn't prepared to do so...

Instead, she smiled at him, the forced uplifting of her lips as she recalled the many happy memories and hoped one day, she could think about them without the pain tainting them.

"Thank you, Raphael...for everything...I will _never_ forget you..." she whispered rather than a goodbye, taking a moment to lean down and brush her lips along the cold curve of his sharp cheekbone. Pulling away, she squeezed his hand once more before lifting the white sheet up to cover him. She didn't leave immediately, gaining some composure before she left the garage without paying any attention to Donatello who stood nearby.

Donnie didn't speak or have any desire to deter her; just entered the garage as soon as she left; the click of the door behind him was nearly silent.

* * *

April was hallow; that was the only way to describe it.

A severe emptiness that infiltrated her chest without the belief it would ever be filled. Some parts of her were glad she'd said goodbye however unconventional it was; saying things she didn't while he was still here yet another part of her knew it was for her own selfish desire to physically speak the words to him even if he was nothing but a corpse now. The very thought of it had her knees buckling under her and they met the cold grass.

A pathetic whimper left her throat as she pressed her head against the bumpy trunk of a nearby tree; one she used to climb as a kid. What she wouldn't give to go back to a time when she wasn't responsible for one of her dearest friend's deaths. To go back and perhaps have never met them; if she hadn't, he'd still be here...but if she hadn't, she wouldn't know the joys of knowing them either... A double-edged sword. It a burden that seemed much to heavy but one she would be forced to carry the remainder of her life. The only thing keeping her from completely losing herself to grief was the promise she made to him - to help his family as much as she could - and she was going to keep it.

Legs still refusing to move, April stayed that way for a long time; the cool seeping into her skin upon the encroaching night was ignored; numbness filling its place. She didn't want to head back, not at all prepared to face his family or even her father right now; so she stayed; staring at the stars and allowing the tears to drip down her face; all she could think about was how Raphael would have loved it here. The red-banded terrapin was a lot more fond of the outside world than his brothers; as soon as night fell, he seemed to be the first to bask in the moonlight... A part of her wished she'd brought them here sooner, never knowing just how much it may have meant to him to hang out in daylight without the fear of being seen...

It was devastating to realize how much life Raphael had left to live; dying at only 16 years of age - way too soon... April feared it would only grow worse as the years ticked by knowing he should have been there to live them. Watching his brothers age, move on, time pass, and he wouldn't be there to experience any of it. A deep pull in her gut had a sob pulling from her lips - how empty it all felt without him - how there would be nothing to fill the void; the hole his absence left in her heart and life that she knew she'd never recover from.

God, she missed him so much...

It was just one of many regrets April feared she'd never live down...

Thrown from her mind was a sound of a vehicle; her first instinct was panic, wondering if the turtles were inside so they wouldn't be seen but it all fell to the wayside when a familiar old pick-up truck pulled into view. She immediately began sobbing, standing to much too shaky legs as she approached the young man who just hopped out of the vehicle.

"Sorry it took so long. Got lost about half a dozen times and the directions I got weren't the best but I finally met the dude at your gas station down the road. He gave me a map." Casey said with a shrug and slight chuckle as she came into view, the half-smile lifting his face fell when her face became more visible in the light of the moon. Hiding his own emotions was pointless now; tears he held back for the drive were now freely leaking from his bloodshot eyes.

April didn't bother holding back either, closing the distance between herself and the lanky vigilante; wrapping her arms around his torso and allowing herself to fall apart in his slight grasp and sobs getting lost in the cloth covering his chest.

Casey didn't speak; arms shaking as they moved to embrace her small frame. No sounds left his mouth, just silent tears marking his cheeks in their descent; this was the moment it all became too real. His best friend's death could no longer be ignored and it fuckin' hurt.

Yet, he embraced it, embraced her for this was the first iota of comfort he received since getting the news of Raphael's tragic death. He wasn't sure exactly how he'd deal with it but he knew he no longer had a choice.

* * *

 


	17. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo finally confronts Shredder and someone he never expected stops him from making a deadly mistake...

* * *

After days of laying low in the shadows, stalking every movement Karai made, Leo waited for the optimum opportunity to finally strike. Watching everything occurring from the shadows for a time in which Shredder made a mistake, slipped up or just found himself or his fortress off-guard. For the first few days, it was simply a game of cat and mouse; a stealthy hunter stalking his prey until they made a fatal mistake.

It took more time than he would have liked, but Leo was finally rewarded for his vigilance when tonight, Shredder finally let down his guard...

It was a miracle, karma, or sheer coincidence - whatever you want to believe, but whatever it was - it was perfect.

Leonardo's ruthless attack on Shredder's hideout just days ago caused a butterfly effect for the seemingly-invincible leader. His endless robot army had been cut down drastically; human foot soldiers disbanded, their hideout, possessions, and money had been robbed overnight. With the infiltration of himself and would-be burglars, things such as weapons and money were stolen never to be regained; Baxter's lab completely demolished beyond repair. Many mutants (who he'd turned them into by the way) under Oroku Saki's rule finding employment elsewhere left the Foot Clan leader angry and more vulnerable than he'd ever been before. Without the turtles patrolling, gang and commercial violence had reigned, the rivaling ones taking out on each other rather than those who previously came to stop them; basically kicking the Foot Clan while they were down. It was an all out war between leaders in criminal activity and for once, it was working to Leo's every advantage.

From the shadows, he watched slowly as Oroku Saki began to lose everything - his base, his employees, money, his mind - everything but his " _daughter_ ". Karai was vigilant, Leo would give her that, constantly staying near the frantic leader as the days wore on and his luck finally began to run out.

It was when Karai left temporarily, leaving him the perfect time to strike...and Leo couldn't be happier...

It was past midnight; the moon dark and new; its light not reigning this night; other than the few stars that poked through the dark clouds, there was little to no illuminance. It was optimum time for a ninja bent on revenge; living for retribution to pay back for the wrong that had been done to him and his family... _ **to his little brother...**_

Chest aching fiercely, Leonardo ignored his physical state as he ambled in complete silence atop Shredder's shamble of a hideout. The building still in disrepair and disarray, the Shredder paced back and forth atop the cracked cement floor. This terror of a man that struck fear in the hearts of so many appearing so fragile and uncertain made a feral smirk inch its way up Leonardo's face; a smile that would be more fitting upon his brother's face.

In moments, he was inside.

The Foot Clan leader was alone in the blackened space; either pacing or sitting upon his cracked throne (some damage Leo was _proud_ of). The man was silent, most likely lost in his own thoughts as to what he was going to do; his minions were scattered or broken, the scraps of Foot Bots littering the ground by his feet where most of the larger parts lay swept into the corners of the room. Surrounded by shambles with little where else to turn; Oroku Saki paced, never expecting anyone to come through his ceiling and doing what Leo had never done before - _striking when their back was turned._

Leo would admit later that it was a cheap shot that no respectable ninja should never take, but he didn't care. Fair fights didn't matter anymore for Raphael's death wasn't fair, so why should the man ultimately responsible for taking him away deserve one?!

With that thought, Leo stuck, slicing a thick horizontal line down Oroku Saki's back; the swoosh of the blade and the cutting of fabric and flesh sent prickles down Leo's spine. The pleasure of hearing such a thing was something animalistic and raw and nothing he assumed he'd ever enjoy...but he did...

While not fatal in the least, Shredder screeched, the sound ungodly and loud as the man swung around to face his seemingly invisible foe. The first emotion that flashed in the dark eyes of the infamous Oroku Saki was all encompassing rage; grabbing whatever weapon lay nearby and attacking the terrapin blindly in the darkened room using only the light of the barely visible stars helping him see. It was not an optimum place for a fighter who, unlike Leo, couldn't see in their pitch black surroundings.

Leonardo was silent as night and swift as the wind; circling Shredder as he fruitlessly began pacing the area trying to find the one responsible for the blood dripping down his back and onto the cement floor below. The sound of the drip onto the pavement and Shredder's increasingly loud breathing did something profound for Leonardo; like a predator stalking his prey, he moved, taking validation in this moment that took far too long to arrive.

There was a shift in the air, a sudden fear leaking off the man that Leonardo had never sensed before. It didn't matter if he was scared, didn't matter that he was almost as helpless as an ant running from a precocious child holding a magnifying glass on a sunny day - Leo _needed_ this. **Needed** to get revenge for his little brother's death to hopefully deplete some of the all-encompassing guilt that felt like a physical ton of weight pressing on his chest and crushing his heart. He _needed_ to feel Shredder's blood on him; to end his life with no hope of salvation. It was what he _deserved_ for taking his little brother away from him and their family...to not be able to comfort him during those last moments and not even leaving him a chance to say goodbye...

An animalistic yell was almost ripped from his throat with that realization; a pain in which there was no description. This unbearable grief was stricken within him, but Leo pushed it aside; forcing his own emotions so deep inside himself at this point that it barely caused him to blink. As much as he wanted to curl up and scream and the unfairness of it all he had a job to do...

Leo refocused, his eyes trained on the man who would soon be at his mercy at the end of his katanas...

With that thought and not wanting to prolong the agonizing wait any longer - he struck.

The leader was ruthless; hands that used to reach out to help enemies, to save them from themselves if need be, were now striking to kill without mercy. Using the butt of his swords and vast anatomy training to break bones in one hit; shattering ribs and delighting in the way they cracked loudly upon impact and how Shredder screamed like the helpless prey he was.

Soon, Shredder was seated, legs folding in horror as he stared in horror of what awaited him next.

At first, Leo was sorely temped to drag out his torture, filet him alive; rip of his skin piece by agonizing piece and let him wallow in searing unimaginable despair before ripping out his heart from his chest. To hopefully inflict enough pain on Oroku Saki that would correlate with the same agony Leonardo had felt ever since his little brother took his last breath at the hands of one of Shredder's men. Leo wanted to have this horrible man experience what it was like to have something so detrimental to your existence on this planet brutally ripped away without rhyme without reason.

The anger coursing through him was powerful, his sword slashing across the air, ready to hit the disfigured and burned man when a sudden shriek caused him to unconsciously step back when his sword hit something else entirely.

There stood Karai, a huge bloody gash over her arm and chest. She was not wearing her normal garb, instead just standing there with a loose black tank top (which now barely clung to her form) and training pants. Her armor would have normally protected her, but she jumped in anyway. Rage flushed through the blue-banded terrapin's system as she stood in front of her so-called " _father_ ," ready to die in his place and it made Leo _**sick**_.

Roughly pushing her to the side, she collapsed, ankle twisting painfully on the way down; she cried out for only a moment before sitting up and trying fruitlessly to help her father any way she could. Her mind a torrent of emotions she was not prepared to handle. Ever since her confrontation with Leo, she was expecting him around every corner and the second she turned her back, he struck. In hindsight, she should have saw it coming, but never in her wildest dreams did she think the normally calm Leonardo to stoop to this. He was never violent and only hurt others when it was vital to protect himself, his brothers, or the city; Leo was never one to ambush someone...

Karai was ready to try and get her father to safety and Leo hopefully back in his right mind...but that's also when she noticed the knife behind Shredder's back and her heart sank.

* * *

Leo's eyes never left Shredder.

Leo was almost there; his body shaking with trepidation and adrenaline, he was ready to strike; no mercy, no pulling back. Shredder's mask-less face stared at him, all burned flesh and beady eyes; a sight that would have stopped him cold in his tracks had he not constantly recalled what this man had done. Not only to his brother but to all the people he'd hurt and killed over the years; whether it was indirectly or not, the suffering this man had caused to many people was nothing that could be forgiven. It just broke whatever was inside of Leo's heart to realize it took losing Raphael for him to realize that this man deserved no mercy...It only made him more determined to end his life.

Oroku Saki's dark brown eyes staring up at the turtle with the closest thing to fear Shredder had never expressed before. His heart beat frantically as he stared at the all-white of the turtle's eyes (the only thing visible in the inky blackness) but in his mind, he was calm. Shredder hiding a smile and pretending to be weak all while clutching a small knife he planned to lodge into the terrapin's throat once he got close enough and let his guard down...all he needed was time...

Karai managed to stand nearby, left hand trembling as she held tightly to a wall and the only thing from keeping her ankle from folding underneath her weight. Her right arm dangling from the hit she blocked from her father; the strike that would have surely ended his life had she not intervened. Karai didn't know what to do or where to turn; her loyalty to her father the only thing keeping her from screaming out to Leonardo the danger he was unknowingly in...

Leo stole a quick glance at Karai; silently regretted not just ending her that night in the park...the only stopping him was Splinter's eyes that he'd given to her...but not anymore. His blue eyes glazed over and igniting with fire targeted her next, but first, she'd be forced to watch the false one she called " _daddy_ " die...all before he ended her as well for anyone who held their loyalty to Shredder didn't deserve to draw breath...

_This was it._

Revenge...sweet revenge that would finally mean validation for his brother...his death would **not** be in vain...

" **This is for my BROTHER!** " Leo bellowed, katanas high over his head as he charged the downed, elderly man who was on the ground, multiple ribs shattered and legs virtually useless; a pathetic, helpless excuse if he ever saw one. This was once the mighty Shredder who could take down so many; the once symbol of fear now just an old man who deserved to die in the most violent way possible for being indirectly responsible for snuffing out his brother's life and any chance Leo had of telling him he loved him just one last time...

The scream of Karai and gasp of Shredder completely ignored the second he swung his razor-sharp swords down; the metal fully prepared and able to slice this man to pieces. This was it. Revenge for him and his family, for his beloved brother. Oroku Saki would pay with his life for taking something so vital to his own. An enraged yell was ripped from his throat but the second it passed his lips -

" _ **Leo** , __**STOP!**_ _"_

A voice that rang out loud enough for his ears to ring and heart to stop cold in his chest; his feet following it.

Leo stopped just inches from the man's flesh as he tried and digest what he heard for it was a sound Leo was certain he'd never hear again in this lifetime... It wasn't his conscious or any sense or morality that stopped the enraged Leonardo... _it was a voice_...an almost physical presence stopped him in his tracks just feet away from Shredder.

Looking at the man's eyes in front of him, it was obvious Leo was the only one who'd heard it...

Which was impossible for it was so loud that his ears still rang with its vibrations...

Heart trembling and lungs shivering in his chest as if a cold wind had infiltrated into his very soul; Leo pulled back...

It wasn't his imagination...it was too clear, too nuanced in the way Raphael spoke... _especially when he spoke to him_...There was a sarcastic quality that Raphael only used with him, a demanding tone when they'd argue over who should lead, an angered timbre that only Raphael possessed while being disciplined...

" _R-R_ - _Raph_?" Leo muttered, the voice a barely audible whisper as the leader frantically looked around, praying, begging to any higher power that would hear him; to please let him see his red-banded brother beside him. That his death was perhaps just all a dream; that Raphael would be standing there alive and well with crossed arms and a familiar smirk...

...but he wasn't...and it was a sheer miracle Leo was still standing when he realized it...

"Raph..." he whispered as his eyes filled with unshed tears. A chill went through his entire body as his swords lowered.

He looked again at Shredder, a look of complete and utter shock on his face. Karai was looking at him with a different look; a pained expression he'd never seen on her before. A single tear dripped down his face and it was enough to pull Leonardo back to earth. With katanas clenched tightly in his hands, Leo was awash in a sense of dreadful clarity of what he had just about done...Blue eyes lowered to his hands and how they shook...a sense of despair and anger at how easily he'd let his anger take control of him...and...

Leonardo didn't see it coming, didn't hear Shredder standing to his injured legs and moving to attack, small knife heading straight for Leo's jugular.

"No, dad! **Stop**!" Karai screamed, using strength she didn't know she possessed, she ran; ignoring the agony echoing in her ankle to grab her father's arm and stop him cold in his tracks.

" **What are you doing!?** " Shredder screamed at Karai's actions. His attack halted by his daughter who was supposed to be on his side... It was enough of a shock to stop him at least momentarily as he struggled to get out of her grasp with his ribs as injured as they were.

The noise of Oroku Saki's pained grunt and angry yell toward his daughter brought Leo out of whatever trance he found himself under.

"Let me go, **foolish** girl!" Shredder bellowed, finally pushing Karai to the floor with a sharp thunk. Oroku Saki turned to the confused terrapin while brandishing the knife that he planned to end his life with.

A knife Leo just noticed.

Blue eyes widening at the indication of how he didn't see it; didn't notice it... If he'd been closer to Shredder, f he'd gone through with his attack (an attack Shredder was waiting for) the man could have easily killed him and he never would have saw it coming... He wouldn't have got Shredder first, it would have been the other way around... How close Leo had come to dying and the only reason he stopped was a familiar voice he swore he heard...

It saved his life...

"Leo, **RUN**!" Karai screamed, breaking Leo from another trance. Staring at the scene for a stolen moment, Karai was up again and holding her father back. "Go! **Now**!" she continued in a panicked voice before being flung to the ground. Shredder ignored her for now as he began heading toward Leo, but it was too late because for once, Leo obeyed; throwing down a smoke bomb and disappearing in a haze of purple fog.

When it cleared, Leo was gone; back to the place he'd abandoned for far too long.

* * *

Body humming, chest aching, and lungs burning something fierce, he ran through the nearing dawn; leaping over buildings and scaling them with ease, he kept going until he landed by the man-hole cover. Once inside the maze of sewers, he moved until he'd arrived at the lair. Jumping over the turnstiles, he continued into the den hoping, praying he'd see his family. One he neglected far too long...

_...but nobody was there..._

The leader flicked on the lights, which came on with a soft hum. The lair was quiet and more immaculately clean than it had ever been considering it was a home where four...now three... teenage boys lived. The silence was deafening and it was apparent no one was there and hadn't for some time...

Swallowing down a lump that clogged his throat, Leo dropped his swords where they landed near the front with a loud ring of metal on cement. Legs heavy and feeling he was going to collapse, he walked throughout the lair looking for someone, _anyone_.

Mikey's room was unusually empty of the clutter that normally covered the floor. Donnie's room was clean and the Lab was empty; Leonardo didn't dare look in Raphael's room for he knew he'd collapse. Ignoring the last unchecked room, he moved onto the dojo, whose only light was a small candle; the flame flickering lazily in the darkened space.

Steps purpose and methodical walked forward and knelled before the tree, taking in the normal sight of Splinter's pictures of his wife and a baby Karai looking at him. A new picture caught his attention and he found himself holding back tears when his eyes met the green of his deceased brother. The picture was a few years old, quality grainy and a bit blurry; the frame holding it was cracked, but... it was Raph. Without realizing he'd done so, his fingers reached out, lovingly caressing the flat surface of the picture. Chest involuntarily clenching as his hands moved over the glass; didn't want to accept that only a few blurry pictures and memories were all he had left of his hotheaded brother. Recalling the crystal clear voice he heard; one he knew better than the rest.

It was Raphael that spoke to him.

Leonardo didn't know what to believe; whether it was a voice from beyond the grave or his own mind playing tricks, he knew what he heard... But Leonardo didn't know how to go about accepting it. There were so many questions without enough answers gnawing at his gut but he ignored them when he noticed something else. Pulling his attention away from the framed photo, his haunted blue eyes fell to the candle that remained lit and tucked nearby it was a note written in Kanji.

It was obvious Sensei knew he would be back.

Hands were shaking like a leaf as he picked it up, an address to a place many hours away and a simple sentence of " _We'll be waiting for you_." A hollowness in his chest had him trembling and wondering just how long he'd been away...

Standing to his feet, he walked toward the exit of the dojo and to his own room. Although his bed was beckoning to him; his body and soul far beyond exhausted Leo knew he needed to go...needed to leave. He'd already wasted far too much time trying to seek revenge when that was never the answer. The only thing he was certain of at this very moment in time is that he needed to be with his family. With that in mind, Leo began gathering up a few belongings that he could shove inside a small duffel bag. With it in hand, he walked to the garage to find any sort of transport to take him to his destination; finding not much at first until his blue eyes landed upon an old beat-up motorcycle still in a bit of disrepair but he knew he had little choice.

Beggars couldn't be choosers.

Getting to work, he grabbed a few tools and set to work; quickly going off instinct and his few lessons from Donnie, he toiled at it. Not even registering the hours passing as he worked; Leo finally was able to get it to start. Figuring that would have to be enough, he topped off the tank before attaching his small duffel to the bike and walking it to the garage opening. Hoisting himself onto the motorcycle, it came to life with a turn of a key and within seconds, he was gone.

A red helmet placed over his head, he took off into the city; the voice of his late-brother still ringing in his head and the light of the risen sun cascading along his exposed back...

* * *

 


	18. Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbyes never get easier...especially when you never got to say one...

* * *

It was dawn when they buried him.

Kirby was certain to remain silent and mostly on the sidelines during the procession as it took place for a typical funeral it was not.

No priest or pastor reading Scripture to bring comfort of the next life and the paradise it held; there wasn't hundreds of attendees saying funny, heroic, or heart-warming stories of the decedent...There was nothing but eerie silence; the only noise was the surrounding chirping of birds or the warm breeze rustling the many leaves of nearby trees.

There were no words, just the burning of incense in front of a wrapped body upon the ground.

Silent tears shed by the only six occupants present as Splinter gingerly picked up the body; making his way over to where he began carefully laying him in the ground (his family had been up the majority of the night digging the grave). The elderly rat lowered the body, covered in a beautiful white cloth that was etched with Japanese lettering, into the earth; shovels and handfuls of dark brown earth sprinkled lovingly over the corpse of someone who died much too young.

Kirby took a deep breath of the crisp clean mountain air to try and qualm the ache that developed in his chest. He'd buried way too many people in his life and it's something you never get used to. While he was not particularly close to Raphael, it hurt knowing the young man died protecting his only child and knowing just how _much_ he had meant to her... Kirby wished he had an opportunity to at the very least to tell him " _thank you"_ and more means of comforting his hurting family that was left behind. He prayed desperately at least giving him this resting place and a safe haven where they could visit or live would be a small condolence to them.

He watched silently as the hole was slowly filled up to the top, the convex of fresh dirt gently being evened out by two sets of hands; both a varying shade of green. His blue eyes watched Splinter retrieve a small stone plaque near the base of the tree, carved in beautiful kanji characters and English lettering underneath, and laid it at the head of the fresh grave.

The mutant rat's eyes were dry but Kirby could easily read the intense agony lying right underneath the surface that was ready to crack. He knew that look all too well for he wore it for many years after his wife disappeared...yet Kirby could not fathom the horrendous pain of losing and having to bury a child; _and he prayed to God he never did..._

There was a sudden stream of words that sounded so painfully loud in the silence even if they were softly spoken. It was all in Japanese that Kirby could not understand but for the two turtles in attendance, it was obvious they did by the way they bowed their heads and the youngest allowed a few quiet sobs to escape from his lips. Blue eyes looked to his daughter, tears freely falling down her face and folded hand were frantically trembling as she listened to the deep voice of Splinter. The young man, Casey, stood near to her, his lowered eyes haunted and it was apparent he was hurting _much_ more than he let on.

"I love you, my son... I pray you find peace, comfort, and _freedom_ in the next life... Until we meet again..." Splinter spoke in English and Kirby's heart twisted painfully in his chest. "I'll never forget you, Raphael...and... Teng Shen, please watch over my boy until I will join you both in the next life..." he continued; the fluctuations in his voice apparent by the many times he struggled to say the words.

With a final bow toward the marked grave by all attending, Splinter guided them away from the sight.

Kirby wordlessly followed the elderly rats instructions as they made their way inside the cabin. As soon as they passed the threshold, April ran up the stairs with a loud sob and slammed her bedroom door behind her and as much as Kirby wanted to go after her, he knew it best to leave her be.

The rest of them didn't seem to be faring much better.

The youngest turtle silently removed his black tie Kirby had lent to him and placed it neatly on the coffee table; curling up on the couch and staring at the blank screen of the television all while silent tears dripped down his face without any indication of ceasing.

Splinter sat on the dining room table, face in his hands and paws shaking fiercely.

"Would you like some tea, Sensei?" Donatello asked softly, placing a firm hand upon the rat's heaving back.

"That would be wonderful, son. Thank you." he replied after a few moments of silence and Donatello went about boiling water and finding some tea leaves in the cabinets.

Kirby was tempted to ask Splinter where his eldest son was but it was apparent all of them realized his absence but none spoke about it.

"Where the _hell_ is Leo?" the voice of Casey finally came from the doorway and Kirby froze at the words.

Splinter didn't move a muscle at the angry statement from Casey. The elderly rat lifted his face out of his hands and let out a deep breath. Donnie was glaring furiously at the lanky human and Kirby was worried there was about to be a fight on his hands when Splinter finally spoke.

"I am not sure, Casey. The only thing I can think of is that he is searching for answers that he will never find... Leonardo may be a master at many things and can easily overcome many challenges, but I fear he is struggling with Raphael's death the most."

" **Bullshit**! If Leo cared about Raph _at all_ , he should have _fuckin'_ been HERE!" Casey screamed as big fat tears trailed down his red cheeks in an angry torrent.

"..." Splinter was silent and Kirby desperately wanted to confront Casey about speaking in such away to the obviously hurting father but the young man was not finished.

"Raph is his _**brother**_ \- Leo needs to be here for **HIM**. Fuck whatever issues he's having; he's a COWARD! ...Not even bothering to show up at his own brother's _funeral_!?... _Who_ _ **does**_ _that...?!_ " Casey sobbed, his face falling after those words left his lips and his legs giving out from underneath him.

Within seconds, Splinter was beside the young human. "He'll be here... It may not be today or anytime soon, but I know he'll be here..."

"...Why is he _doing_ this, Splinter? Leo's actin' like he's da only one who l-l-lost someone s-special..." the human teen sniffled, wiping away tears and snot with his jacket sleeve.

"Casey...Leonardo is struggling harder than we know; while he may seem calm on the outside, he's been dealing with things different than we are and we have to accept it. Just like my son's death. I do not want to think about it and would rather run from it, but we can't... Leonardo just doesn't understand it, but he will. He just...needs more time."

"Time for **what**?! To almost let his brother rot when he remained a fuckin' ass runnin' away from his problems!? Letting Mikey fall apart and leaving you, April, Mr. O'Neil, and Donnie to deal with the funeral and shit!? He's just a **coward**!" With those words, Casey picked himself up and ran up the stairs; the resounding slam of the door echoing throughout the old farmhouse.

Splinter stayed kneeling for a long time, his eyes remaining dry even if it appeared as if he was falling apart inside.

Donatello silently poured a cup of boiling water and as the leaves seeped and spread their flavor and color into the once clear water. After doing so, he made his way to the living room to be there for Mikey who most likely heard the entirety of that conversation.

Splinter returned to his stool and sat down; paws nursing the warm cup in his shaking hands.

The silence overwhelming, Kirby joined him. No words were said as Splinter suddenly buried his face in his hands and wept; the only comfort Kirby could give was a firm, reassuring hand on his shoulder...

* * *

It was the middle of the night when Donatello heard the door to the farm house close.

He'd been in the kitchen working on something, _anything_ to keep his mind occupied, when he saw the silhouette of someone he hadn't seen in what may as well have been forever.

"Finally decided to show up, huh?" Donnie asked as Leonardo walked into the room and he didn't care that he sounded bitter.

Leo didn't grace him with a response, just walked into the kitchen and pulled a bottled water out of the fridge and chugged the whole thing back in one swig before chucking it into nearby trash bin. Donnie didn't care about being petty, making a show of standing up, picking out the plastic bottle from the trash and throwing it into the nearby recycling bin all before plopping back onto the seat he vacated.

"For awhile, we thought we'd have to start planning _your_ funeral too..." Donnie spoke a few minutes later; not caring if Leo decided to answer him or not because the leader was going to listen whether he wanted to or not.

Leo still remained silent leaning upon the counter, grabbing a piece of fruit from a bowl in the center of the kitchen island. Eating it unceremoniously and staring off into the abyss as Donnie continued, "How did you manage to get here anyway?" .

"That old beat-up motorcycle in the garage." Leo grunted between bites and Donnie's hands shook and heart froze when he realized it was the same bike Raph had been working on in his spare time for almost a year. So many flashing memories of his hotheaded brother silently side-by-side with him in his lab. Some of the few times they ever spent one-on-one; handing tools back and forth and surprisingly pleasant conversations he was surprised his brother was capable of. Donnie felt the wetness of tears building but he dared not let him fall and his mouth remained shut.

There was uncomfortable silence and the only sound was Donnie's labored breathing and Leo eating as if he hadn't in a week, which wouldn't surprise the genius terrapin.

It was a full five minutes before Donnie couldn't take it anymore.

"You really screwed us up, you know that? Dad was in no condition to have to support us emotionally, but he did. He's falling apart and the least _you_ could have done was be there for us! You're the **leader** , but you just left us to pick up the pieces... I had to be the strong one; holding Mikey all night as he cried and cried non-stop, over _Raph_ , over **you**..."

Leo stopped mid-bite hearing that.

"We were worried **sick**! You could have _called,_ could have at least sent a single _text_ \- just to tell us you were okay. I mean, **FUCK** , Leo." Donnie growled and the curse felt dirty on his lips but he ignored it and continued, "Raph _dies_ and you run off without a word... We're all broken and trying to figure all this crap out and you're _nowhere_ to be found! You could have been dead in a ditch somewhere and we wouldn't have known til it showed up in the news of them finding a body of a huge turtle somewhere... Yet, here you are all fine and dandy while we're falling apart and you have the sheer **gall** to not even show up to Raphael's funeral!? **What kind of brother are you!?** " Donatello bellowed, eyes blurry with tears and fists shaking by his sides as he stared at Leo.

Leo's face was passive and stoic, not even giving him the respect to look him in the eye as he spoke. It broke whatever sanity and respect Donnie had left for his brother.

"Heh...I know...Hmph...Do you _know_ what you are?" Donnie mumbled angrily.

"..." Leo was completely stone silent, steel blue eyes staring off at something in the distance.

"You're no leader. You're a fucking **coward!** " Donatello bellowed, slapping the half-eaten apple out of his eldest brother's hand.

Within seconds, Leo was pushing Donatello to the ground with a battle cry; throwing punch after punch into any place his fists could reach.

Donnie was not to be messed with anymore. Anger he'd never experienced gave him the strength to fling the blue-banded terrapin off of him and began returning the harsh blows. The anger he never gave into before was fueling his system with energy he hadn't felt in what seemed like years. As fists met scaled skin over and over again, the thuds of them rolling around the kitchen floor were echoing loudly throughout the house and it was only a matter of moments before it was brought to a swift halt.

" **YAMERO!** " Splinter's angry voice rang out from the doorway, rushing in to separate his two flailing sons.

Leonardo's chest was heaving as he stood on shaky legs after being pushed off his genius brother and onto his shell before he rolled to a seated position on the cool wooden floor.

Donatello silently nursed his bleeding lip and swollen eye as he stood to shaking legs.

"Leonardo! Donatello! That's quite enough! Mikey was just finally able to fall asleep and I do not want him waking up because of you two! He's had enough trouble sleeping without you making a ruckus." Splinter demanded, his stern eyes on his two sons who were still glaring daggers at one another.

Donnie opened his mouth to say something but Splinter's hand on his shoulder halted him from doing so. His brown eyes met his fathers; a soft paw brushed along his genius son's mouth to wipe away a small trail of blood. After accessing his wounds, Splinter silently ordered him upstairs, which the purple-banded terrapin obeyed instantly but not without shooting a venomous look at his remaining older brother.

"Sensei, I -" Leonardo started but an upright hand gesture stopped whatever words were about to spill out.

"I do not wish to hear your excuses right now, my son." Splinter spoke and Leo was about to protest but the words died on his tongue when his father suddenly brought him in for a tight hug. Tears that he'd held back since Raphael died desperately wanted to fall but Leonardo didn't allow them to; ignoring this moment of comfort he rightfully didn't deserve.

"I'm glad to see that you are alright, my son." Splinter murmured into the side of his face and Leo's hands trembled when he felt small droplets of water land on his head...his father was crying...

"Sensei, I -" Leo tried speaking but one look from his father snapped his mouth shut.

" _No_. Not now, we will discuss this tomorrow. I think it's best you get some sleep. Come on, I will show you to your room." Splinter explained and without waiting for Leo's reply, began his silent trek up the stairs.

Leonardo wordlessly followed.


	19. Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonardo struggles to accept everything that's happened.

* * *

The dawn broke across the horizon and yet, he still couldn't sleep.

Leonardo been up all night staring at the wall questioning if any of this was actually reality. Guilt and grief lying smoldering in his gut without any hope it would dissipate.

Blue eyes glanced out the window and toward his brother's grave. He would have to be in the room where he could see it and there were no curtains or plywood nearby to block the view he still couldn't wrap his mind around. Couldn't fathom accepting the reality that the small plaque at the base of a tree was all that was left of his larger than life red-banded brother. Someone whose presence was intimidating and electric. Always animated; moving and occupied. Strong, vibrant and stubborn as a damn mule.

Now he was still.

Cold.

Gone.

Dead.

Lying many feet underneath the earth.

Leo watched silently as Michelangelo and April approached the site a few hours later; illuminated in the full light of the afternoon sun.

Super-sonic ears picked up the conversations that occurred earlier that morning.

Downstairs, the old house not having any sound muffling in the least, where Kirby, April and Mikey headed out to some old lady's farm to go grab a few things.

By the objects in their hands now, it appears they went to buy flowers...

The first thought in Leo's mind was a bit of shock for he never imagined that he'd see his baby brother out and absorbing the powerful rays of the sun. He didn't picture it for any of them to be out during the light of day and it was a hard pill to swallow when every instinct he had told him to yell or bring Mikey back in the house before he was seen. Yet, the leader remained silent as the two approached the grave, both giving a small respectful bow before Mikey lowered, _more like collapsed_ , to his knees right in the fresh dirt. Tears sparkling in the bright sun leaked down his face leaving what may as well be permanent track marks.

It was a sight Leonardo had always hated.

Mikey, his baby brother, crying.

The leader recalled way too many nights hearing Mikey awake and disturbed from nightmares since they were kids. Like clockwork, there was a sharp cry as he awoke, followed by light sobbing, sniveling before the youngest would leave his room for the comfort of Raphael's. Many years of listening through the thin walls to Raph's deep, soothing voice speaking and giving necessary comfort to Mikey, who calmed almost immediately in his strong brother's presence.

It hurt in a way for Leo, who wished Michelangelo felt safer coming to him rather than Raph, but the thing that surprised Leonardo the most was his hot-headed brother. The one who always prided himself on being stern, stubborn, and rude at times; the same turtle who _**never**_ turned Mikey away.

Ever since they were very little, Mikey took comfort in his strongest brother; believing his strength would ward off all the boogeymen and ghosts haunting his dreams.

" _Raphie is stronger than any of them!_ " Mikey was amendment to say as a small child, earning him a chuckle from the hot-headed terrapin.

To see the pain so displayed on his youngest brother's face tore something precious from Leo's chest. The nightmares Mikey most-likely dealt with now were far worse for when he woke up now, he couldn't just go to Raph's room and get comfort. For he wasn't there to help him anymore; all he'd be greeted with was cold sheets and dust gathering on unused belongings...

All the while Mikey would be standing there; having to confront that now, _he'd have to face them alone..._

Leo took a deep breath and focused on the scene outside in fear he'd fall apart pondering that fact. Watching silently as Mikey meticulously placed beautiful white and red flowers of many different types in front of the plaque while April stood still behind him. Her blue eyes haunted and hands folded respectfully in front of her.

The unbearable rage that poured into his gut at seeing her was unquenchable.

The fact it was _her_ fault that Raphael was dead; protecting her when she should have been punished for letting her guard down. Yet, his brother moved, saving her and inexplicably losing his own life in the process. Recklessness causing Raphael to be taken away forever from Splinter, Donnie, Mikey,...him...

_It made him positively_ _**sick** _ _..._

Leo's eyes did not rest on her long; the anger was still so great and barely dormant under the surface where Leonardo intended to keep it. The last thing he needed was to lose his temper like he had with Donatello last night. His purple-banded brother on the receiving end of so much anger and pain he had no idea how to deal with.

From the few moments he spent with his genius brother that night; he could easily see the torture lining his face. Donnie had appeared 10 years older in the time frame of a week. Whatever hell he'd been experiencing was similar to his own struggles and anguish and he felt momentary guilt for losing his short temper and hurting him. Yet any kind of apology would have to wait until he dealt with the own anger boiling continuously in his stomach.

An anger bred from watching April and Mikey placing the flowers onto Raphael's grave.

Raph never liked flowers; always sneezing whenever he found himself in their presence but he supposed no one but him knew that. Silently recalling him and Raph sneaking out all those years ago to Central Park. Spring in full swing and the scent was everywhere.

Leonardo enjoyed it.

Raphael was positively miserable.

The floral smell and pollen had him gagging and sneezing practically non-stop; the over-whelming scent was not one Raph enjoyed and ever since that night, he tended to avoid them at all costs...

To see his grave infested with the blooms that caused Raphael such distress in life made his chest ache and stomach turn... Pulling his attention away from the sight, he proceeded to stare at the wall in fear he would do something stupid. Counting to ten slowly, the anger began fading until it remained a dull ache firmly wedged in his gut.

The familiar sound of footsteps approaching his door didn't even have him flinching anymore.

Throughout the day, Leo ignored the many knocks and a persistent voice lingering outside of it. Splinter seemed to be the only one who was speaking with him and any anger he held out at that fact quickly dissipated. He didn't really want to talk to anyone anyway and he supposed he deserved the cold shoulder from most of them.

Leonardo pondered his actions since Raphael's death. Taking off into the night without a plan, only anger guiding his steps to appease the smoldering wound in his stomach at the loss of his brother. Harvesting his anger any way he knew how without actually confronting the real problem for longer than he cared to admit.

Anger at Raph for leaving, rage at April for allowing it to happen, and mostly at himself for not being able to protect his little brother when he needed him the most...

It was a guilt that stayed; burrowed into the deepest levels of his body and soul never to be quenched. A harrowing pain that would never dissipate until he took his final breath of this hellish existence. For so long now, he held onto the anger because it dulled the surrounding pain but now he no longer carried it like a crutch, rather a defense or coping mechanism he was using to his every advantage.

Leonardo didn't want to confront it. Neither Raphael's death nor his family's questions. Splinter's sad eyes, Donnie's wrath, April's presence, or Mikey's grief. He wanted nothing to do with it. Staying quiet and alone, he sulked. Still not allowing himself to cry or fall apart for it was the one thing he could control and dammit, he was going to.

* * *

All too soon, night fell.

The warm sun illuminating through the window had faded into night and a cold breeze leaked in through the shabby pane. This house was old; needed severe upkeep but even Leo had to admit that driving up to the place - it was strangely beautiful. The green grass that went on for miles and gradually expanded into vast trees and forests as far as the eye could see.

The protection of trees comforted him, but on the drive here - not so much.

During said drive, Leo had a lot of time to think; to ponder over his confrontations with Karai, to almost being murdered by Shredder...to hearing Raphael's voice.

Leonardo concluded it was all in his mind; logically understanding that Raphael was dead and whatever afterlife may await, if any, it was a sheer implausibility for the dead to speak to the living. Leo accepted it was only his exhausted mind and body hearing things he desperately wanted to while another dormant part of him clung to the hope that perhaps, wherever he was, maybe his little brother was watching over him.

_You know, like Raphael had always done..._

Saving him from a fate he almost put himself in - rescuing him from certain death beyond the grave.

Whatever happened, Leo just wanted to not feel anymore; numbness a familiar friend he clung to akin as a lifeline. The only thing keeping him grounded in this realm was the fact that giving up now would be betraying Raphael and his memory...

Truth was, Leo simply wasn't ready to accept any of it.

Ignoring another knock and calm voice at his door, Leo laid down. Staring at the ceiling; warding of sleep that he didn't want to experience. Visions he didn't want to confront. Images of his brother lifeless; taking his final gasping breaths in a dank, dark alley with only April there to comfort him in those last few moments of life. The tone of his skin gray and cold as he lifted him into his arms; the weight dead and heavy. Leo recalled just how frigid his brother had been...remembering just how much Raph hated being cold...

A scream wanted to escape; wanted to flood from his lips but he held it back.

It just all hurt so badly he wasn't sure how to deal with it; a depression stemming from the loss; an emptiness so profound he was certain this was hell on earth.

Leo was unsure how to deal with any of it...but it appeared he didn't have a choice... So lost in his grief and sorrow. How much he missed his green-eyed brother and willing to give up anything for just an opportunity to talk to him one last time. He imagined the things he said; precedent above them all would be to tell him how much he loved him...

So lost in his thoughts and pain, he didn't even realize his eyes sliding closed, breathing slowed, and a thankfully dreamless sleep pulled him into its heavy grasp...

* * *

 


	20. Desolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The earth seems to falling apart underneath all their feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20 chapters already? Wow, thank you all for sticking with me during all this. Extra long chapter was totally unintentional but those are the best right?
> 
> Also, You know it's bad when your own writing makes you cry haha. This chapter and Donnie and Casey's portions in particular killed me... Proceed with caution...

* * *

Mikey's words were nearly silent as he knelt in front of his brother's grave. Offering multiple flowers in shaking hands and legs that could no longer hold him up; the soft dirt compacting under his weight.

For a long time, he just remained silent as he arranged the flowers tastefully upon his brother's grave. Fingers softly tracing the Japanese characters and English lettering on the smooth stone once that task was complete.

It still felt like a dream, or nightmare rather, most of the time.

Mikey would catch himself calling out for Raphael; texting him, or heading to certain areas the red-banded turtle frequented only to find them empty. A piece of his life was gone now. A hole nothing could fill. A profound feeling of nothing but emptiness that was only expanding each and every moment he acknowledged his hotheaded red-banded brother was indeed permanently gone from his life.

A brother and best friend just snatched away without rhyme or reason...not even leaving him a chance to even say goodbye.

Michelangelo struggled to recall the last conversation they had; something so normal and mundane that you almost do it subconsciously. Right now, Mikey would give _anything_ just to talk to him once more; even if it had to be the same conversation. The simple opportunity to hear his voice that wasn't over same voicemails or his greeting installed on his answering machine that Mikey had listened to on a near constant loop since Raphael's death. The chance to give him a hug and tell him he loved him...to thank him...to let him know how much he meant...and how they'd miss him... To be honest, Mikey felt he'd spend the whole time just begging him to stay...

Before he realized what happened, tears began dripping down his face in torrents.

Fruitlessly, Mikey rubbed at his eyes to try and dry the multiple tears and how his throat clogged with strangled sobs.

_He was trying...he was trying_ _**so hard** _ _to be strong...but it was just so difficult..._

Ever since Leo returned last night, Mikey's relief at his eldest brother's presence was short lived. The blue-banded brother refusing to leave his room and giving Donnie a swollen, split lip was not how he expected the reunion to go.

As much as Mikey wanted comfort from his eldest-brother and guidance from their leader; to tell them it would all be alright...it was apparent that wasn't going to happen.

Leonardo was shutting himself off even if he had returned. It just made it all the more difficult to deal with...it was as if he lost two brothers instead of one; even if Leo was still here, it was if he was gone. Realizing he could do little to help, Mikey knew he had to remain strong; just like Raph was...but his red-banded brother never told him how hard it would be. How he always made it look so easy...

"I miss you, Raphie..." he sobbed, the high pitched sound leaving his throat as he pressed his face in his hands.

A part of him berated himself for allowing more tears; he'd been desperately trying his hardest to hold them back but it only got more difficult as time went on. Taking deep breaths, he finally was able to quench the burning in his stomach. A few minutes later, he'd regained composure and pushed himself up to his feet where April remained patiently waiting for him.

There was a slight bit of anger that remained at her involvement but he found he couldn't blame her. She never meant for any of this to happen and was just as broken as all of them. April and her dad had given them a place for Raphael and for that, he was thankful. Forgiving her was easy for he knew it was Raph's choice to save her; and that was enough for him...

* * *

They'd only been here a little over two days yet for April, it may as well have been a lifetime. Time crawled and every second that passed brought its own unique grief.

When she was told Leo had arrived, she was shocked; thankful the eldest brother was indeed alive. The little happiness she'd received from that news was plagued when he stayed in his room. April was very much aware of his anger that probably still stemmed for her and while she accepted it, it still hurt. Everything inside of her wanted to apologize but she knew it would be for naught. Her own guilt was something she'd be drowning in forever; even if she was forgiven by all of them, she never truly would forgive herself for allowing Raphael to die.

It was a cross she had to bear and live with for whatever remained of her life.

It was a small joy to take Mikey to Mrs. Sanders the next morning after the funeral. The smallest turtle seemed more alive in that moment of being in that beautiful field of flowers than he had in a long time. A light illuminating his sad blue eyes was temporarily broken as he went about picking many of the flowers as her father kept the elderly woman busy inside the house.

Once Mikey was satisfied with the selection, he went to wait in the car as she and her father paid for the fresh blossoms.

As much happiness as Mikey may have felt picking them was disrupted when they returned. His eyes rarely straying from Raphael's resting place underneath the ancient oak tree near the lake. A place Splinter and his sons deemed the best spot and she couldn't agree more.

Ever since she was a girl, she found herself climbing the branches or swaying back and forth in the old tire swing her grandfather hung from them. Sitting near the base lost in a good book or just watching the ducks in the nearby pond. Hours watching the clouds and the shapes they'd paint in the endless blue skies. So many years; this spot filled with so many happy and nostalgic feelings now housed grief; not to mention her friend's body. The same friend who only died because he saved her life...

Following Mikey to the spot, she stood back to give him time and remaining a respectable distance where she could not hear the whispered words spoken. As much as she wanted to leave, being there for Mikey was far more important. Although she couldn't help but feel a familiar stare coming from one of the windows in the house. Daring not to look in fear he'd notice, Leo's eyes rested on her before straying just moments later. There was still a visceral anger that leeched from his presence and April doubted it would ever fade.

April welcomed it.

Leo deserved every right to be angry at her; they all did. Even if Splinter, Donnie, and Mikey were cordial and downright kind with her, she felt it was undeserved even if her father had given them this place for their son and brother. If she spent the remainder of their lives doing everything they asked and meeting all their needs, it still never would be enough. _Nothing_ would bring their hotheaded brother and son back. An irreplaceable piece to the puzzle of their lives would never be there; an empty abyss where Raphael was meant to be. It would remain empty forever all because she didn't pay attention to her surroundings.

Her depressing thoughts were broken upon Mikey re-approaching her. Those once vibrant baby blue eyes were dull, haunted; a shell of his former self.

"You ready to go inside, Mikey?" she asked, forcing a smile and placing what she hoped was a steady hand on his thinning shoulder.

"No...can I go look around a bit?"

"Of course, Mike. D-Did you want me to go with you?"

The smallest just nodded in response; not even waiting for her reply before heading toward some of the surrounding woods. April appreciated the distraction.

* * *

Donnie was quiet, meticulous, and steady as he began cleaning the remainder of things in the garage. He'd already dismantled the containment unit back into reasonably sized pieces. The genius supposed they could be used on other projects and anything that could keep his mind occupied, the better. Placing them into an organized pile into the corner, he froze upon seeing the gurney that held his brother. A white sheet crumbled and draping over the sides stopped him in his tracks.

It all became too real...

After Raphael's death, he had to dress his wounds, wash and clean his body of the blood, and stave off decomposition. It was as if he was taking care of him; watching over him...and now, he didn't have that responsibility anymore.

The hole it left was not one Donnie expected.

Fat wet tears welled in his eyes as he gathered the sheet into his hands. Grasping the fabric into shaking hands, his chest heaving as twin trails of tears leaked down his face and a few breathless sobs had him crumbling to his knees. The pain from the salty tears in his busted lip he'd gotten from Leo was a welcome physical pain that held no candle to the one developing in his soul.

Hugging the material to his chest, he fell apart.

There were to words to emphasize just how much it hurt...how much he missed him.

Realizing this wasn't some hellish purgatory, this was real, this was his new reality. A dead brother and a broken family is what remained for him to live with for the rest of this existence. His remaining older brother refusing to accept it; a little brother so irrevocably broken as himself and his father were forced to fit the pieces pack together. Even if they never truly would piece together the same way...nothing would...

"Dammit, Raph..." Donnie sobbed, hugging it tighter and pushing his face into the cool white sheet, "Why did you have to go?" he screamed; knowing Raphael could never answer him but the question had to be asked. So much sorrow, resentment, and grief burrowed in his gut without any sense of relief even as the tears continued their cleanse down his face. Burying his face further into the sheet, he breathed it in; the scent of his brother still lingering on it. A scent that was comforting and so painfully familiar yet one that would soon fade forever once enough time passed. This fact only accelerated the tears as Donnie further collapsed onto the floor. Thankful that he'd locked the door when he came in...

Donatello wasn't sure how long he laid there; clutching the sheet to his chest and staring at some far-off point in the distance as the tears continued unheeded down his face. He feared they'd never stop. All he knew was pain; _agony_ that settled in his stomach like a ton of smoldering bricks. Hot and heavy in his gut as they burned him alive from the inside out. It hurt worse now than the night Raphael died...uncertain if it was the confrontation with Leo, his avoidance, or the fact Raph's death was finally becoming something he had to accept; but there was a festering hole in his chest he was certain would remain forever.

A weight he'd have to bear alone; for he knew the second he left, he'd have to put on his strong facade to deal with whatever remained for him in the farmhouse. Yet, for now, in the garage, he alone fell apart once again for what he hoped was the last time...but knew deep down, it wouldn't be.

* * *

Casey spent a lot of time alone exploring the surrounding woods; lost in thought of where or when to turn.

There was nothing back in New York for him. Everything was all so different now; hell, even being around the turtles and April was not how it used to be without his best friend there. He felt like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that didn't quite fit no matter how much you forced it in that space; it just wouldn't go in. Casey didn't realize how pertinent Raphael was to his relationship with the rest of the turtles...even April. Him and Raph were always a team; best friends who spent so much time together it was odd to be alone...it was as if he lost his other half of sorts...

So he found the only spot he felt relatively normal...

Casey sat near the base of that tree, right next to the plaque; the rigid bark digging into his head and back but he didn't care. For a long time, he remained silent; never speaking, just staring upon the beautiful view Raphael's grave had. The teen tried to recall the last time he saw his best friend alive; tried to remember the last words he spoke. Praying at least whatever they were; they meant something to him. Casey didn't dwell on it long in fear he'd break down again. For the first whole week, he'd dealt with Raph's death alone. He had no comfort; no support and no one to lean on and share the similar grief and here wasn't any different.

Aside from April's few hugs and Splinter and Kirby desperately reaching out and tying to talk to him, Casey pretty much ignored it. Felt he had something to prove. Knew Raph probably wouldn't be too happy if he cried about it all the time yet it still hurt like fucking hell. He hoped Raphael knew how much he meant to him; how he wasn't just a friend but more like a brother. A relationship and friendship that had become so necessary for him. It was the earth shattered beneath his feet when he got the news.

He ran; never waited for an answer; never knowing how it happened - he was just **gone**.

Those first few days were mainly shock...and denial. Never certain how many times he called his phone just begging him to pick it up; to hear that voice. For the red-banded turtle to show up at their place on his apartment rooftop and ask him to go knock some heads. Casey waited and waited just hoping to hear from him or just to show up...

_He never did._

Afterward the denial came the anger. So much anger...

Angry at Raphael for dying; for leaving him and everything behind. No explanation, no goodbyes, **nothing**. Just snuffed out like a candle in a hurricane; didn't even stand a chance. Frustration at April for telling him; for just flat out informing him his best friend was dead. At Mikey and Donnie for not being there to help Raphael when he needed it the most. For Splinter making them go on patrol in the first place...then at Leo for not even showing up to his funeral...

Grief was strange to say the least. After anger couldn't quench the hurt anymore, he felt perhaps it was a dream. He'd begged, bargained for it to be. Thinking he'd wake up and it was all just a nightmare...that's when depression set in. Casey spend days on the rooftops wanting desperately to jump. To follow Raphael where he went. Yet he pulled back for he knew Raphael would never want that...

That's when the last stage hit - Acceptance.

Casey learned from Donatello that Raphael had died saving April. Something Raphael would be proud of for he'd always protected those he cared about. He was a hero even if no one cared to believe that about him and his brothers. They were heroes that saved people. Raphael especially. For the hothead put on a big front that he didn't care, he didn't need anybody, he was rude, and stubborn but Casey knew him well enough that that was only there to hide who he really was.

A side of him he let so few people see.

A fierce love, loyalty, and sense of justice weaved into his veins like fire to a dry field. An unquenchable inferno of loyalty that far outweighed anything and if you meant enough to Raphael, you had it. Something so irrevocably valuable. Raphael was the kind of guy that if you had a close enough relationship with him, he would die for you...and he proved it.

Soon, Raphael's death made sense...in more ways than one...

While Raph and April weren't particularly close before he began training her, there was something that changed in Raphael that he wouldn't have believed had he not seen it himself. As strict as Raphael wanted to be, he was still crazy gentle with her but tough when he needed to be. They worked well off each other and had fun; it was like they were being actual friends rather than just acquaintances. It got to the point the two would be hanging out outside of training. Casey noticed this for Raphael wasn't as available as he used to be and whenever he went to visit, they seemed to be together. It started a shift and Casey began noticing this sense of protectiveness Raphael had over her.

He'd never seen him act that way with _anyone_...

A particular confrontation him and Raph had just weeks before his death had put everything in perspective to this point in time. A conversation he still mulled about in his head and it made the terrapin's death all the more painful. Casey could sense a change in him; a transformation in his personality that had to be addressed. It became so obvious that Raphael couldn't even deny it anymore. The vigilante asked him if he liked her; Raph gave him that look he always did when he was frustrated with the question and didn't intend to answer but Casey was adamant. He was certain Raphael didn't intend to confess, but he did with enough prodding.

Raphael indeed had grown a crush on her.

Casey was a bit surprised at how easy it was to pry it out of him and while it bothered him that him and his buddy crushed on the same girl, Raphael said he'd never pursue it. Casey couldn't help but ask why.

" _I'd never do that to Donnie."_ Raphael muttered in response and that was it.

Casey grew quiet, wanting to push his buttons and tell him it was April's choice and he should ask her if she liked Donnie that way and if not, go for it. Raphael just shook his head in a universal signal that he was done talking about it.

It became who apparent that who Raphael was. Always willing to sacrifice his own happiness for those he cared about. As hard as he wanted to seem, he was perhaps the kindest person you could never meet. He wasn't obvious about it, just doing things you'd never notice. Pushing aside his own desires for those he loved. Wanting them to be happy regardless if he got hurt in the process. Raph was the first one in, last one out. So fiercely loyal and protective to a fault. It didn't surprise him that he'd save April's life by giving up his own. Perhaps that was the one thing he could do for her...a way of saying he did care even if he never did it with words; his actions spoke for it.

"You got a good view here, dude." he sighed, words sudden as he stared out across the expanse of beautiful grassy fields, trees, and a lake just a stone's throw away. He had to speak, to say something in fear if his thoughts continued, he'd fall to pieces.

"Ya know, I know why it happened, but...it still really sucks that yer gone ya know?" he sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve jacket. "...there's still so much for you here. Too much life ya had left to live."

All grew silent, only the rusting of trees and the low chirping of many birds rung throughout the fresh mountain air. A place he normally would enjoy to it's fullest extent only made him want to cry now; because Raph should have been here enjoying it too... It hit him just how unfair it all was; Raphael dying at only sixteen and leaving behind his family and friends. A world who Casey believed would accept him one day. A day he wanted to be there to see it...

Now, that never was gonna happen...

"You know, when I met cha, I thought we were gonna grow old and be crotchety old men still beating up bad guys." he chuckled mirthlessly, his eyes straying to the grass below him. Eyes blurring, he closed them and felt the droplets of tears falling down his face. "I know you probably didn't mean to go but I know why ya did it. Its just who you were... Ya were a lot softer than ya thought." he smiled; eyes lifting to stare at the clouds above.

"I don't where ya are, but I wanted ta let you know I'm really proud of you, buddy. It's gonna be tough, but I'm gonna be alright in case yer wonderin'. I hope I make ya proud someday and when I see ya again, I'll be sure to tell ya all about it." Casey whimpered, reaching over to rest his arm across the top of the cool stone. "It ain't gonna be easy cus I'm really gonna miss having ya around. Hell, I already do and it's only been a fuckin' week...but...I'll be alright...I'll be sure to knock a couple heads for ya, kay?" he laughed and the genuine nature of it shocked him.

Casey's eyes gravitated toward the stone where he stared at it for a long time; not even registering the sensation of liquid flowing unheeded from his eyes.

* * *

Splinter and Kirby had become friends of sorts, the two men spending their time working on jigsaw puzzles or just drinking coffee or tea from the old porch swing out on the porch. They didn't speak much but there was a familiar ache for each. Both knew the sensation of loss and the drain of experiencing such tragedy without any answers as to why.

The times they did speak, they told of their own experiences.

Kirby in the disappearance of his wife.

Splinter and the loss of Teng Shen as well was the whole fiasco with Miwa, or Karai...and of course, losing one of his sons...

Kirby was at a loss of what to say.

It was as if Splinter, or Yoshi, had not only lost one child, but two. The debilitating loss was unfathomable to him. Losing one child and their loyalty to the man who caused him so much pain, the other to death and knowing the cause was possibly the same man; or at least, someone who worked for him. It was all too much to take in.

Trying his damnedest, Kirby failed to stop the tears. "I am **so** sorry..." he sobbed; not even being able to comprehend how much agony this man was in. There were no words, no consultation. It was miraculous the man didn't completely lose his mind for Kirby was certain if something similar had happened, he wouldn't have been able to function, let alone show the strength Hamato Yoshi was able to. "...how? I mean, excuse me for saying, but...I'd be a complete wreck..." Kirby asked, his hand clenching nervously in his lap.

Splinter did not reply, just stared blankly ahead at the beauty of nature; the comfort of the fresh mountain air not quelling the horrid pain in his heart in the least.

"I must be strong for my sons. As much as I'm hurting and as easy it would be to just give up...I can't." Splinter whispered, holding back the tears that burned the back of his eyes. "...Raphael would not want that because if that boy was anything, he was determined; fiery, angry, and stubborn to a damn fault." Splinter continued, allowing a soft chuckle to touch his lips, "Giving up would be tarnishing his very being; his memory, everything. For that sole reason, I must move on. He'd want me to; want all of us to. Yes, it's hard, it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me...but I have no choice."

The finality of those words struck Kirby deeply. He'd known for so long how moving on was so hard. Not seeing that person anymore; not having them around for special occasions or when you need them. An empty place they'll never fill. You move on, you deal with it one day at a time and while it does get easier...it never gets better.

* * *

The second night where Leo still had yet to leave or answer his door, Mikey had finally vamped up enough courage to confront him the only way he knew how.

The youngest turtle was silent as night as he approached the door. For a while, he listened but heard nothing. Raising his hand to knock, Mikey found he could not find it in him to go through with it. Arm landed limply to his side and he let a long sigh filter from his nostrils as he stared at the intertwined grains of the wood staring back at him. There was so much Mikey wanted to do and say but he didn't want to push. He wanted Leo to come out on his own volition and if it took a few extra days of isolation, than so be it.

Head falling slightly, Mikey's eyes landed upon the two bracelets on his wrist (the rest he'd already given to the rest of the group); both of them with a familiar red patch taken from Raphael's mask. It was a sight he still was adjusting to. A little piece he physically had left of his brother that he would cherish the rest of his life. Promising himself to never forget; to hold the memory of Raphael close to his heart.

Without anywhere else to turn and nothing else to do, Mikey took off one of the bands and knelt at Leonardo's door. As quietly as possible, he pushed the bracelet underneath the wooden frame until it lost all visibility from his side. For a few moments, Mikey stayed like that; questioning knocking to let him know it was there, he decided against it.

Michelangelo left the way he came; silently.

* * *

 


	21. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo visits his brother's grave.

* * *

Crickets chirping in the middle of the night, Leonardo's blue eyes awoke to the inky black darkness. No sounds other than nature filled his senses and he knew it was the middle of the night. Cursing slightly as he moved to a seated position before standing. Thinking now would be a good time to visit the lavatories and kitchen, he made his way to the door. As soon as he almost closed the distance, his toe bumped into something smooth and light against his toe. Kneeling next to the door what he found wretched his heart in his chest.

A feeling of utter despair at the familiar color that greeted him.

Leonardo reached out and placed it in his hands; not even realizing when he sat down. Staring at the small bracelet, he fingered the soft leather, stalling upon reaching the square of red; the fabric worn and slightly torn. It was obvious where it came from and it was almost an involuntary reaction as he curled up into himself. Grief wedged in his stomach as he stared straight at a piece of his brother. A brother that was already gone and buried while he fought with his own demons; one who gave so much of himself...a presence so enigmatic and powerful snuffed out.

* * *

Leo wasn't sure how long he sat there staring at the object in his hands; all his mind wandered to was questioning what to do next. On his drive here, he was so adamant to help his family and be there for them but something changed his heart yet again the closer he got to Northampton.

The grief he was used to - this was something else entirely.

Leonardo wanted answers. Questioning just **why** this all happened. Him and his brothers did nothing but protect the city; they didn't ask for rewards - they lived in the **sewer** for God's sake! It wasn't as if they were doing it for fame or money or even recognition, they did it because it was the right thing to do. A natural instinct to protect this city they loved even if no one who resided in it even knew or cared of their existence. Not a glamorous way of life by any means, but it was _theirs_. A life protecting others...and the very thing that defined his brother's death...

Something precious broke inside of him to come to terms with it. His brother died saving someone and it just...wasn't... **fair**...

They'd gave their whole lives to serve and protect without every expecting _anything_ in return - _it just didn't make sense_. Everything about society would have you believe that if you do good, usually good things happen to you and never has one been so wrong... Good people get killed for no reason and criminals often go free and live long, carefree lives.

_It sure was a fucked up world they lived in..._

A shaky breath escaped Leonardo's lips as he rested his back into the wall nearby. An ache developing in his chest had his eyes burning something fierce as he held back the sob that desperately wanted to escape.

It took everything inside of him not to fall apart in this moment for one thing made itself abundantly clear - Raphael probably couldn't have asked for a better way to go. Since they were kids he always had this sense of loyalty and protectiveness about him. He wanted to save people even if he put on a front that he didn't care, it was a shield to hide how tender his heart really was.

All their lives they'd been rejected; pushed away and whenever a human caught a glimpse of them - they screamed. Called them freaks and monsters without ever giving them a chance to speak otherwise. He knew how much it hurt Raph even if he never reacted otherwise. All Raphael wanted was to be accepted. Like anyone would want to be.

Curling in on himself, Leo couldn't hold back the whimper that left his throat, shaking like a leaf as he held back the tsunami of tears that desperately wanted to leak down his face - but he didn't allow it.

All too soon, his teary blue eyes opened, staring down at the bracelet and subconsciously caressing the worn red fabric.

As much as he wanted to believe it, none of this felt real yet...but Leo knew denying any of it wouldn't help now.

His eyes straying toward the window, he saw the sun was up and heard a bit of bustling downstairs. Leaving this room was now no longer an option. Pulling himself up to his feet, Leo walked back toward his bed and lay upon the cool sheets.

Leo was silent, allowing a few more hours to trickle by before it all became too much. After much pacing and wondering what the hell to do, it all became to clear, and he finally accepted what he had to do...

Little did he knew, it would be the hardest thing he'd ever done.

The sun was already high in the sky when Leo snuck out of the house. Feet and body not making a peep as he made his way to and out of the window and off the roof. First thing he did the second he landed upon the grass, was breath in the cool mountain air; the comfort of it just what he needed to calm his frantic nerves as he approached where Raphael lay.

* * *

Three days...

It'd been three days since Raphael was buried when Leo finally approached that beautiful spot by the small lake, underneath a giant oak tree. The shade a welcome relief to the heat of the midday sun; the warmth of it on his skin still felt cold...

Feet slow and heart heavy, the leader closed the distance between himself and that small plaque of carved stone and freshly laid dirt. His eyes took in the flowers that were still laid out in front of the grave marker; his chest prickled with the fact Raphael had been fuckin' allergic to the things. He understood their sentiment for placing such things there but Raph would have thought they were just wasting their money.

Raphael had never been materialistic; never wanting more than necessities and the luxuries they did find were someone's trash. It never mattered to him or any of them though; just thankful they'd find them. A life spent living underground away from society; forced to live in shadows. An existence so thankless and dangerous that they had no choice but to accept it. Raphael never spoke of it much, but he hated it; hated the fact they never got to experience much sun or fresh air only during patrol. A life of scrounging and scraping by. More injuries and damage to their physical bodies than they cared to admit they endured.

Raphael was always the one that got the worst of it mostly by choice. His protective actions putting him in bad situations where injury was pretty much guaranteed. Raphael never changed though; reveled in that position and made it his goal that everyone was safe. First one in, last one out...

Raphael was...and there it is...

**WAS...**

Past Tense...

The anger he'd been holding onto like a lifesaver was ripped away when he finally realized that even if he got revenge on all of Shredder's men and tore April apart with the overwhelming guilt that it was her inaction that took Raphael away - it wouldn't change anything...

 _...for no matter what, Raphael_ _**was not** _ _coming back..._

Nothing he said or did, or didn't do was going to bring Raphael back to life. Wouldn't fill his motionless lungs with breath or re-start his heart or close his fatal wound. His hotheaded brother was gone forever and he couldn't change that...only accept it.

Staring for what felt like years at the small piece of carved stone in front of him... A name, two dates, the first vague because the exact day they were bought from that pet store was not one Splinter could ever remember. Residing between the two was a simple slash, a birth or mutation date...and the day Raphael died. Only 16 years between them...a life taken, lost without rhyme or reason... A death so prevalent and raw, someone he loved...so much taken away...

A life so unbelievably precious to him and his family. A brother who he grew up with, grew close with. Through all their arguments and disagreements, Leo couldn't have asked for a better one. One who pushed him to be better on and off the training mat. Didn't sugar-coat things - only told it like it is and wasn't ashamed to do so. Stubborn, angry, rude, yet unbelievably kind-hearted. A fierce spirit and soul that protected April because he _wanted_ to...nothing more...

Leo finally lost it.

Tears that had been burning the back of his eyes ever since he found his brother dead, covered in his own blood and viscera in that abandoned alleyway surrounded by dirty dumpsters and graffiti, finally ran in torrents down his face. His voice raspy and hurting, the leader screamed out his guilt, frustrations, and anger into the soft grass. His body shook as all of it washed over him and finally allowed it to completely consume him.

Leo had spent so much time being angry, revengeful, and trying to figure out who to blame when Raphael did it by choice.

His brother died saving April because he _chose_ to; it was nothing more than that. Something so simple yet he found it almost impossible to accept that Raphael willingly left them just to save her...but he did...and damn, he probably would do it again. It was just who Raphael was in life...

It was the one conclusion Leo didn't want to have to face but it made all the sense n the world.

Raphael always was very protective of his family - those he loved and cherished. While hotheaded and stubborn, Raphael was loyal, put himself in danger if it meant everyone he loved was safe; and if Raph didn't find April worthy of protection, he wouldn't have given it to her. He died for her and it was his choice to do so...

With that realization, Leo curled up in front of his brother's grave and the tears he held back for far too long ran down his face. He screamed into the fresh dirt, allowing the sobs and hiccups to leave without any care of repercussion.

"...dammit, Raph..." he sobbed, top of his head brushing the cool stone, "...why'd you have to go...?"

The emptiness he left deep in his heart would never leave; an open, festering wound that only expanded as the long minutes and hours passed by in front of that gravestone. Leo allowing his tears to be absorbed by the thirsty earth and his brother's corpse just feet underneath it.

* * *

It had become like therapy.

Being at Northampton since Raphael was buried over a week ago. A long week in which he still avoided his family and only came to Raphael's grave alone. He's still sneak out his room to eat and use the restroom, but he stayed away in fear of what, he wasn't sure.

Leo slowly made his way over to his red-banded brother's resting place before dawn and everyone was still asleep. It had slowly become routine since Leo broke down in front of his grave only days ago but it already felt like a lifetime. At first it was just tears and overwhelming grief. Then it was anger. Angry words were spoken simply because Leo wasn't sure what to do. Losing Raphael broke something inside of him that could never fix or be healed. There was too many unanswered questions, too much time lost, memories that would never have the chance be made.

It wasn't fair.

Raphael was only 16.

His whole life centered around becoming ninjas in their tiny isolated lair. Growing up together, relying on each other, and promising to be there only for the rug to be ripped from underneath them all only years later.

Death left a hole nothing could fill.

Life was built around just the five of them growing up, especially the four brothers who were so similar yet polar opposites at times. Leo recalled all the fights, the bruises, but what was more apparent was the fun. The games they played, the long talks when no one wanted to sleep, the fight over who got the last worm or algae cake - or pizza slice later on... All those happy memories were plagued by the image of his dead brother's body that remained at the forefront of his mind.

Leo kept watch over his grave and began telling him things he would give anything to say to him now. Words he should have while his brother was still living...but this would have to do...

"I hated when Sensei made me leader... That tight bond we had growing up fading because of jealousy and all kinds of things that never mattered at all."

"You know, nothing's the same without you here..."

Silently recalling seeing his family walking aimlessly from the vantage point of his room. Their own moments they spent at Raphael's grave under his watchful eye. The tears, the somberness leaking from their very presence. A sight he wished he never had to see...

"Mikey hasn't smiled since that night... It's as if he never did... I doubt he ever will again."

"All Donnie does is work. Back and forth to the garage and barns. Always doing something...you know, sometimes I wish I had something physical or mental to keep me occupied, but training or even meditating now just isn't possible..."

"Dad looks older than ever...and he's so quiet...he's always just mediating or just staring blankly at something in the distance. I've never seen him this way..."

"You know, I'd normally train to keep my mind off all of this, but...none of it feels right. Even if I had the courage to ask Don and Mike trained with me, it just... _we're uneven without you, Raph..._ "

The tears fell unheeded now, the warm trickling water along thin cheekbones and into the thirsty grass below.

Running fingers across a name etched in stone. The word and even just the idea of saying " _goodbye"_ felt too permanent - too painful to even fathom.

There were days he fully expected Raphael just to waltz in the door, to hear his voice on the phone, or just to see him again even if it was only for a moment. But as the reality began inching its way into his psyche, Leo knew that would never happen. A reality he had began to slowly accept...

The truth that was staring him in the face - that Raphael really _wouldn't_ be coming back home - he wouldn't be walking through the door or training with them again. He'd never see that red mask or green eyes across from him at their dinner table or next to him on movie night. Never see him reading a magazine on the couch or doing push-ups in the living room or beating up the punching bag dummy by the pinball machine...

He just wouldn't _be_ there...

A bed not slept in, a voice never to ring out whether it's excitement or anger over a program on television or yelling at Mikey about something or another. A presence so powerful and radiant. Always moving; always animated. Loud, boisterous, rebellious, and so incredibly stubborn yet someone who always had his back and he could count on to muscle his way through multiple enemies like nothing. That same brother who he snuck out with all those years ago; one he was so close to and loved regardless of how he frustrated him at times.

_Leo had to accept that Raphael was gone forever._

To never again experience the sound of his brother's voice or see that smirk - never speak to him... Something precious inside of his chest shattered when he knew he'd be without his little brother for the remainder of his life. There wouldn't be any more mutation days with him, no Christmas, no holidays, maybe falling in love or growing old together. No fighting alongside as they took out their enemies as one unit.

**Nothing.**

All he'd have is memories of that 16 year old Raphael; a perpetual memory of a life that was taken far too soon. There'd always remain a hole where his presence used to be; a piece of his own heart that would never repair itself. It was a burden he was forced to bear - much like a scar on his soul. It would never truly go away...

A deep breath was released from shaking lips, a trembling hand rising to wipe away a trail of warm tears from his face as his eyes never left the small tombstone.

"I know I never said it enough... Barely ever...but you know I love you, right?" the leader whimpered, hating how his nose began running, "I love you **so** much, Raph...and I miss you like crazy. Nothing feels right without you here...Nothing...but...if I can promise you anything, it's I'll never forget you, little brother; and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there to protect you."

"I'm so sorry, Raph... _I'm_ _ **so**_ _sorry..._ " Leo sobbed, burying his face into the ground as his sobs overwhelmed him.

* * *

Before long, it was night and he was forced to retreat inside when the annoying mosquitoes became relentless. This time, he found himself approaching the front door rather than climbing back through his open bedroom window.

Upon entering the dining area, he was met with multiple sets of curious and rather bewildered eyes and expressions. He'd hidden himself away from all of them for days so it was quite understandable when he'd show up out of nowhere without warning.

The group were sitting down for dinner and all but Kirby seemed too shock to speak.

"Would you like to join us for dinner, Leonardo?" Kirby O'Neil asked kindly, gesturing to the seat he vacated from to give the leader a place to sit.

Leonardo jerkily nodded before taking the seat.

Even without a mirror, Leo knew he looked like shit; eyes swollen and painful; nose probably raw and reddened by the multiple firm wipes he'd done just minutes before.

Dinner was a rather quiet affair, the sets of eyes eventually leaving him for their respective plates. The only noises were nearly silent chewing and the clinks and clacks of various silverware and cups back onto the table. Once they were finished eating what they could; Kirby, Casey, and April left to clean the kitchen. A move that was too purposeful to be an accidental circumstance.

It wasn't long before Leo looked up and instantly noticed his family...sans one member.

_That was all it took._

To not see Raphael there where he should be. A presence he took for granted and he hated it. He always imagined them being together; growing old and always having him around...oh, how wrong he was...

Leo threw his face into his toiled hands and screamed; body shaking as he fell apart in front of his family. Instead of cool air to greet him, he was instantly surrounded by multiple sets of arms. Two familiar cool reptilian skin and another so warm; soft and a bit prickly against his cheek. Surrounding him were people who should hate him for leaving and being the biggest prick, but they weren't.

"We're here for you, Leo..." Donnie whispered into his ear and if anything, he cried harder, his own arms wrapping around them where he could. A visceral pain at knowing one was still missing. An agony that would forever remain in all of them; a hole that would always be vacant and nothing could never fill.

For a long while, the four just held on and never wanted to let go...

Acceptance would never be easy, but they had to in order to get through this...together.

* * *

 


	22. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey shares some insight about Raphael that April can't believe...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates this past month. Aside from focusing on other stories this chapter by far was the hardest to write so far but I got it done and hopefully the next chapter will be done faster. :-) Thanks for sticking with me.

* * *

One week had passed since Raphael was buried.

A week of turmoil, grief, and agony that seemed to never waver, only multiplying by the day.

April was certain it would get better when Leo, his brothers, and Splinter reunited to grieve as a family...but if anything, it only seemed to be caving in on all of them...

While the Turtles and Splinter spent quite a lot of time together, at the end of the day, they still ended up gravitating to do their own thing. To grieve in their own ways. All of them finding time to be alone and April couldn't count the number of times she heard each of them crying at random times throughout the night.

It seemed fitting for it was a place she'd found herself in multiple times since Raph's tragic death.

The pain was almost visceral; a physical thing you can almost cut - this never ending cycle of grief that swirled around the entirety of Northampton was like a tent. Suffocating, isolating, and permanently staked in the ground without any hope of letting up.

Yet as much as she wanted to break, April, as well as her father, were determined to try and keep them all afloat. Desperately making sure the Turtles, Splinter, as well as Casey's needs were met. To make sure there was always distractions and food when they needed it. As much as staying busy helped, it soon began to take a toll on all of them. For even though almost two weeks had passed since Raphael's death - It wasn't getting any easier.

_Not in the least._

If anything, it seemed to be harder then before. Every single day, she was forced to witness how this tragedy left her friends...no, _**family**_... so irrevocably broken and _knowing_ it was **her** fault was getting harder to live with.

Their very spark snuffed out; happiness sapped as if it never existed. This regret and trauma of being the one to cause Raphael to lose his life was a horribly bitter pill to swallow as she came to grips with it all.

During all this time, April tried to keep most of her pain to herself.

Not wanting to mess up the balance that was created nor wanting to rupture any bond the Turtles and Splinter were silently rebuilding. April knew Leo was still angry at her; she could feel it. He didn't show it anymore, but there was this visceral presence always leering off of him when she was around - so for the most part, she stayed away.

Donnie was much the same, holing himself up in the garage and what used to be a calm reassuring presence to be around, became awkward. Whenever she'd try to be near him, she felt like a bother, in the way, and Donnie rarely spoke to her. Over time, April generally pulled herself away from the genius terrapin as well.

Splinter was welcoming but April didn't stay too long in fear she'd break apart in his presence. He'd lost so much in his life; a wife, a child who was raised by his enemy, and now a murdered son... Seeing him that way was too painful and she couldn't stop the tears in his presence and April hated it because even in those times, he'd try and comfort her...It was just too much...

Without much choice or alternatives, April found herself seeking her father's presence more often than not but always strove to be with Mikey if he happened to find himself alone...She _never_ wanted Mikey to be alone..

The one person she hoped understood the best was just as distant. Casey was always AWOL, leaving all hours of the day to wander the woods but always ended up by Raphael's grave. Leaning against a tree and just sitting there; staring off into the distance. Sometimes crying and speaking words she couldn't hear.

April just always let him be.

It was obvious how close him and Raphael had been and it was heartbreaking to see how distant the normally flamboyant and loud vigilante was becoming towards all of them. Only speaking when spoken to, eating little at dinner, and always straying off to bed early.

April, while wanting desperate to reconnect with the one human friend who could relate to the sorrow and agony she felt, didn't want to push. Knowing his pain was deep, visceral and even though he didn't show it, he was irrevocably broken. Raphael had been the glue that kept him tied to the rest of his family; even to her at points.

It wasn't until his death April had noticed how deep that bond they all shared truly was until it was severed.

* * *

That's when April began finding herself alone...

Acting normal during the day yet staying up most the night; standing on the porch and staring at the endless stars on the canvas of the blankly inky sky. As beautiful as Northampton was and how comforting to be surrounded by the gift of secluded nature, all she could think about was how much Raphael would have loved this...among other thoughts which she forced herself to confront.

For years April had wanted to bring them here yet never did; yet another regret to add to the ever growing pile.

A half-smile lighting her face as she thought of happier times; what-ifs and what could have beens. April always believed if she ever brought them here it would be filled with laughter and happiness; the turtles finally free to run around in daylight without fear of being seen. The smiles alighting their faces as they explored in the full sun; enveloped by the heat and the fresh air without any cares in the world...

Yet they were here to bury a best friend, brother, and son...

April was taken aback out of her thoughts by the familiar sound of the screen door opening and closing behind her. Footsteps of dragging feet and squeaky sneakers were clear indicators of who it was.

"Hey, Casey." she greeted, flecking away some moisture that begun to build in her eyes.

"Hey, Red. Sorry, I didn't know ya were out here."

"It's okay. Plenty of room for two." she said, quickly turning around to see him in hopes he'd stay. If he didn't, she feared it would be another night full of anxiety and tears she'd rather not face alone.

Without replying, Casey moved to her side and leaned on the wooden banister.

For a long time, no one spoke, their eyes either staring out into the blackness of the forest or up at the bright moon and stars above. The two lost in their own thoughts and situation they never wanted to be a part of; forced to deal with a close friend's death while simultaneously being there for his brothers and father left behind.

It was a daily struggle for them both even if neither said anything about it otherwise.

"Thanks for coming, Casey..." April whispered after the long silence, her eyes never leaving the stars above. "You know...to the funeral and everything...and again, I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did. I truly am."

* * *

Casey was staring out into the night, inky blackness that overshadowed everything. It was beautiful, overwhelming, and fit just how his heart was feeling; an array of intense emotions he wasn't ready to deal with. A friend...no, brother was gone and now he was forced to go through the remainder of his life without him. He had his peace with it in a way but it still didn't make it hurt any less. He was moving on simply because that's what Raph would want him to; no other reason than that.

His thoughts a torrent when April spoke up: thanking him for coming and yet another apology for how she broke the news to him.

Only one of those statements was new to him.

"I had to say goodbye. I didn't want to...hell, I still don't but...I would have regretted it had I not come." he replied steadily, sniffing a bit when he realized his nose had began running.

April grew silent at his answer.

It shocked Casey to come to terms which how quiet she'd become.. The redhead once so feisty and stubborn, voice loud and rather smart-allecky at times had been muted; a small, slight hoarse voice all that remained in its place. It didn't fit her at all. It didn't belong to someone so fiery and determined.

Casey knew of her pain yet the depth of it he was still trying to understand. She was the one there when Raphael drew his last breath; dying in her arms and she could do _nothing_ to help him. Forced to watch him die; forced to hold him as he did. He pictured her begging him to stay; to try and staunch the wound...all the blood... The vigilante couldn't imagine the horror she had to be experiencing. If he'd been the one to experience that, there would have been nothing holding him back from jumping off that rooftop he'd contemplated back in New York. To see that haunting image every time you blinked...to know he died saving her...it would have been far too much for him to bear.

He glanced to the redhead for a moment.

April staring out across the landscape. Blue eyes dull, watery, deeply bagged, and bloodshot; hair loose, a bit messy and wearing a wrinkled yellow sweatshirt and black yoga pants. It was obvious she'd been through hell. Casey imagined he looked much the same. It was clear that she was hurting even if she hid it really well. You wouldn't know it for she'd been a foundation for them. Kirby and her making dinner, cleaning, making sure they were comfortable as possible in this dire and seemingly hopeless situation.

The strength she showcased throughout all of this hell was astounding...

Seeing her now, it brought to light just perhaps why Raphael had been starting to see her in a different light in the months before his death. How the normally hotheaded, brash, rude terrapin growing a soft spot for her began to clear up. A half-smile forming on his face when he recalled the moment from months ago where the terrapin admitted his crush on her with a little coaxing.

A moment which may have been a lifetime ago...

* * *

_It was a relatively quiet night._

_Sirens blaring, cars honking, and people screaming - a normal night in New York City, if there was one._

_Casey and Raphael were at their normal hangout spot on the rooftop of a long abandoned building. Shingles in disarray, windows cracked, and graffiti on every writable surface, but it was their place. A place to talk, eat toxic junk food, and most of the time, just ribbing on each other all before ultimately heading out to crack a few baddie's skulls._

_Tonight was noticeably different though._

_Raphael was strangely quiet; his soda lukewarm while cradled in his massive hand while he blankly stared out over the expanse of the city. The terrapin had been more absentminded than he'd ever been lately and it was tonight that Casey was starting to finally understand why._

_**April...** _

_Raphael had been giving her one-on-one ninjitsu training for about two months. At first, all seemed normal. It wasn't until lately when Casey noticed the change. Raphael and April had begun spending a damn lot of time together outside the dojo. He'd catch them watching TV or videos on her laptop, playing video games, or just talking as if they were the only two people in the world._

_Casey naturally grew suspicious._

_After all, Raph wasn't one to ever hang out with her before all this; always straying and spending time with him instead. It was becoming all too clear that the thing happening between Raphael and April was more than just a teacher and student and even beyond friends...and it was time he confronted Raphael about it._

" _You like her, don't you?" Casey spoke suddenly, tossing his empty soda can onto the roof with a thunk._

" _Whataya talkin' about, Jones?" Raph growled, tensing a bit at the suddenness of his best friend's voice. Raphael suddenly turned his eyes to his hand and grimaced a bit when he no doubt noticed his soda was already lukewarm._

" _April! You like her. Just admit it. I mean, fuck! Ya guys hang out all the time. You're trainin' her now and you spend an awfully lot amount of time with someone you're just supposedly trainin' with. Not to mention, you haven't said more than five words tonight! I finally get you out of the lair and all yer doin' is staring out into nothin' and I'm startin' to think a certain redhead may be the reason." Casey growled, laying it down on the table because that was the best way to get to Raphael if there was one._

_Raphael grew quiet, his mouth in that barest hints of a scowl that meant a beat-down was coming. Casey was ready to run at the first sign of movement, but it surprisingly didn't happen. Instead, Raphael's glare softened and redirected itself to across the skyline; their place on the rooftop a perfect view of the whole city and its lights._

_It was a full three minutes before Raph spoke._

" _Even if I did, it doesn't matter." Raphael replied with a sigh, rubbing his hand along the back of his head; a gesture he did when he was especially nervous and unsure of his words or actions._

" _Hell it does! It matters, dude!" Casey rebutted._

" _No, Case. It doesn't." Raph spoke firmly, eyes finally meeting his for the first time tonight._

" _Why the hell not? I mean, I can tell you like her and she's always happy spending time with you. Why wouldn't it? I doubt she cares you're a turtle cuz I don't."_

" _You hittin' on me, Jones?" Raph asked with a tilt of his brow ridges._

" _Maybe." Casey teased, wiggling is rugged brows and giving kissy lips before getting socked hard in the shoulder. "Yeowch! That fuckin'_ _ **hurt**_ _, dude!."_

" _Sorry to disappoint you, Jones, but I don't roll that way." Raphael replied with an eyeroll._

" _Neither do I, I was just fuckin' with ya." Casey laughed and Raph gave him just a shake of his head in response. "But, seriously, dude. I really think April likes you too. Why else would she spend so much fuckin' time with you? It sure ain't your charming personality."_

_That earned him an epic scowl._

" _Seriously, Raph, what's the harm in tellin' her?" Casey continued, trying desperately to save face at this point._

" _Well, for one, she could fucking reject me."_

" _That goes for anybody dude. Besides, how will you know if you don't try?" Casey spoke seriously, hating seein' his best buddy so unsure of himself. This was the very cocky and self-assured Raphael after all; a self-conscious version just didn't fit him._

" _No. I can't...I'd never do that to Donnie." Raphael grumbled; absentmindedly crushing the still half-full can in his hands._

" _So, you admit you like her?" Casey chuckled and was just as surprised as anyone when Raphael looked over at him; the most serious expression he'd ever seen on his face._

" _Yeah...Guess I do..." the terrapin quietly admitted._

" _You haven't always though, have you?"_

" _Nah." Raphael responded quickly. "Not since after I started trainin' her. Before that, she was just some chick who came around and Donnie bothered. I dunno. She's pretty I guess but a lot of other girls are too. When I stared trainin' her, she just...seemed different somehow."_

" _Whataya mean?"_

" _More confident; determined. Not to mention fuckin' stubborn. Reminded me a lot of myself actually. I threw her to the mat and instead of complaining and whining like I expected her to - she got up. Brushed herself off and went at me again. I...I never saw that side of her before." Raphael admitted; the softness of his usually raspy voice was not one Casey was accustomed to hearing._

" _She's a firecracker." Casey agreed._

" _Yeah..." Raph murmured, placing the dented can near his feet before staring back out into the city. "She sure is somethin'..."_

_The two grew quiet for a long time._

_Casey trying his damnedest to figure out a way to convince Raphael to tell April but nothing was coming to mind. If there was anything you never got in-between, that was the turtle brothers. Their bond was unlike nothing Casey had seen and he knew Raphael pushing Donnie aside to go for April was never going to happen. Even if April didn't feel anything toward Donnie and she made it clear, as long as Donnie felt anything toward her, Raphael would rather die than get in the way of his little brother's happiness._

_Just yet another thing that always astonished him about Raph..._

" _Yet, I'm not gonna lie...I'm crazy about her, Case, and it drivin' me nuts..." Raph spoke suddenly, dragging a hand down his face. "It's fuckin' hard to be around her but...you can't help but want to. Even if you're totally destroyed by the end of it - it seems worth it..."_

_Then in a split second, Raphael turned and stared at him, a deadly glint in his ethereal green eyes._

" _...and if you ever tell_ _ **anyone**_ _what I said tonight - you're dead." Raph growled._

" _Yeah, I know, I know. You'll rip me limb from limb. We've been over this before." Casey muttered. The two sitting back further into the roof as the night grew quiet around them again._

_After a few moments, Casey turned and stared at Raphael's profile. The previous words the red-banded turtle spoke going back and forth in his head._

_If he only knew then what was to transpire in only three short months and how Raphael's ultimate sacrifice would have such meaning. For in the end, it was this reason he perhaps saved her life - to let her know he cared in a way he never had a chance to say aloud..._

* * *

"...he really liked you, ya know?" Casey spoke, not really sure why the words left his mouth. As much as he wanted to take Raph's secret to the grave for him; a part of him wanted April to know; hopefully ease her pain because he knew she felt solely responsible for Raph's death.

But that wasn't the case...

Raphael cared enough about her to save her and if anything, that should comfort her. The reasoning is because after all, it was his choice and if she knew Raph as well as he believed she did, there was no force on Heaven or Earth that would stop him from doing so.

"...what?" April gasped, her bloodshot eyes welling with tears.

"He thought he hid it pretty good from you and me - not to mention Donnie."

"W-What are you talking about, Casey?" April asked, a desperate whimper escaping from her lips.

"Heh...Raph... He was fuckin' crazy about you, April..." Casey chuckled, meeting her eyes; the barest hints of a smile lifting the corners of his mouth. Not even noticing the single tear that dripped down his cheek as he told her.

"..." the shock that registered on April's face was to be expected but what he didn't expect were the tears that began silently leaking down her eyes all while she continued to stare in complete disbelief at him.

"One night he kinda blurted it out - well, I pried it outta him but same difference, huh? He said he liked you...a lot...but never planned to tell you." Casey admitted.

"..." April turned away with a shaky breath, her eyes returning to stare at some fixed point in the distance.

"It was only after he started trainin' ya." Casey began to elaborate after a moment as if only to fill the silence, "He said there was something about cha he never noticed before and I think he was crushin' on ya pretty hard, but ya know, he'd never tell you because he never wanted to hurt Donnie."

Tears fell onto clenched fists; her heart slamming against her sternum as she listened to Casey's words. April's mind a torrent of emotion as she grasped and absorbed the information not entirely sure what to think yet the tears continued to flow.

"I was never gonna tell ya and if he was here he'd probably be stranglin' me at this very moment...Heh...but I thought you might wanna know." Casey chuckled, his eyes gravitating toward the moon high above; it's crescent glow bathing the entire area in a beautiful bluish-white light.

A long time passed with no words spoken, April's choppy breaths were all the punctuated the all-encompassing silence.

It wasn't until the all-encompassing silence reigned when Casey started to feel a deep pang of regret. He was exactly sure why he had told her especially so suddenly, but the words just came out. It wasn't until hindsight he perhaps wondered if he just made it worse. Casey glanced back over at her; April's blue eyes trained at some fixed point in the distance as if she was lost in her own world, the tears had not ceased. The sight of them causing his chest to clench.

Yet, he didn't speak. The soft breeze rustling nearby trees and cicadas chirping loudly in the forest providing the only sound filling the area until a small voice spoke up.

"Why are you telling me this now?" April whispered; the shaky, tormented question almost carried away with the slight breeze.

Casey took a moment to think before he answered, "I know you're hurting, April. I can't even imagine how you feel considering what you've been through. I just...I wanted you to know that Raph _cared_ about you. **That's** the reason he saved you, April." Casey replied, brown eyes gazing into her blue. "Regardless if he had a crush or not, I don't think it would have changed nothin'. Raph would have done it anyway...I know he would've..."

April's misty eyes remained boring into his own; her hands and bottom lip trembling as she came to terms with it all. Words she never expected; a confession she never would have known otherwise...It was all just too much to absorb. Feeling overwhelmed, April leaned heavier onto the banister; eyes closing firmly as tears began tumbling unheeded down her cheeks.

Casey grew quiet; his chest clenching as he witnessed April begin further falling apart in front of his eyes. The slight burn of regret reared its ugly head again and he questioned if it was wise to tell her but it was too late.

"I didn't mean for it to hurt you. I-I just thought you'd want to know...and...maybe it'll help you get through this..." Casey whispered, reaching out to touch her shoulder but quickly second-guessed himself and pulled away.

"..." April remained silent as night; glistening tears streaming down her reddened cheeks.

Without speaking another word in fear of only making her pain more unbearable, Casey Jones walked back inside the cabin.

* * *

 


	23. Deteriorate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April can't believe anything anymore...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such a short chapter but considering the next chapter's planned length and how much it veers off, this one stood better on its own.

* * *

April wasn't sure how long she remained outside; only knowing the dawn was close before she finally forced herself to retreat back into the confines of the cabin. Her mind remaining a torrent of emotions she wasn't ready to face but yet was forced to.

Casey's news of Raph's supposed hidden feelings was nothing she could have prepared herself for. It shook her to the core... Just the inkling of those six-months they were training together that Raphael felt something other than friendship toward her.

Sure, they'd grown close but...

April froze in front of her bedroom door; the sensation of an icy vice-grip brutally squeezing her heart causing her to stop dead in her tracks.

So many moments began flashing in front of her eyes. Numerous days and countless hours her and Raphael spent together outside the dojo. Whether it be watching awful, cheesy horror movies, playing violent video games or just reading random magazines side by side in the turtles' living room. They'd be sitting next to each other at dinner; laughing at Mikey's antics or one of the many inside jokes they developed during that day. It probably seemed to strange to the outside parties looking in by how familiar they were at this point considering before this, how they'd seem like virtual strangers.

It didn't end there. Even when April left the lair to go back to her own life above ground, he'd regularly stop by her place. She'd be doing homework when a knock on her bedroom window drew her attention to it. A flash of red and green had her opening the pane and there he'd be perched on her narrow roof and stating he was there to get away from his brothers. April instantly let him in.

Raph's frequent presence never bothered her one bit.

April had grown to immensely enjoy his company and she'd happily have him over for hours on end and even overnight on occasion. They'd spend time alone at her place (when her dad was out of town) eating greasy take-out, playing cards or board games, or just talking about nothing... The few times her dad was there, Raphael even humored him by listening to the latest schematics he'd do at work as she made snacks. April couldn't help but smile at the memory thinking he perhaps did the same for Donnie on occasion...

The flashes of those moments were so vivid. The times he made her laugh with their shared dry sarcastic humor and the few times she got a true smile out of him. The way his eyes lit up and he smiled wide enough to showcase a dimple she wasn't aware he had...

It felt like they took place over a lifetime ago...

April just couldn't grasp it at all.

Raphael had never shown interest in her romantic or otherwise. He was just a friend; a good friend she could count on to talk to or just be quiet with. For some reason, April didn't want to believe it. Didn't want to even fathom it because it just hurt _too_ **much**...

Hand languidly twisting her door handle, April refused. She simply didn't want to accept what Casey said and didn't care if it was sheer denial, she _refused_ to believe Raphael felt _anything_ more than friendship...

Because if it was more than that; she was certain she'd completely fall apart.

April didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to dwell on their friendship other than what it was; no other inkling than what it appeared above the surface. Not accepting of any connotations of what may have been buried underneath. Didn't care to fathom her own feelings either; those pesky little things that caused her stomach to ache the few times he accidentally grasped her hand while they were sharing a bowl of popcorn or physically correcting her stance during a difficult kata. How _gentle_ he was with her; a gentleness the normally brash turtle shouldn't have been capable of...

Those tiny instances she ignored for so long...

A sharp cry left her throat as she closed the door behind her and collapsed to the hard wooden floor; hands pulling at her hair as she denied everything. For what the hell did **any** of it matter now?

Raphael was _dead_ and he **wasn't** coming back.

Any indication of things left unsaid were worthless now; gone with the wind. Buried with him where they were to remain for the rest of time. It didn't matter right at this moment; wouldn't matter tomorrow or even years from now. Looking back now and questioning things she may have missed out on; chances lost and left behind were just that...

 _ **Gone**_...

Just like him...

Breath horribly shallow and choppy, April wept.

Stomach clenching in nearly unbearable agony; tears that should have run out a long time ago slipped in torrents down her cheeks.

She craved to be numb; not to feel the torrential downpour of pain that kept crashing to her shore in endless sharp, icy waves. So many questions unanswered; fleeting glimpses into past events and hopes for any future dashed. All she was left with was agony; pain and grief a new presence that didn't have any intention of leaving. A miserable life awaited; one with far too many questions and not enough answers...what-ifs and what could have been's scattered like dust in the unforgiving wind...

It wasn't long before her fragile strength failed in keeping her upright.

April had little choice than to curl into the frigid wooden floor beneath her. Sobbing uncontrollably, flickering breaths becoming shallow and rare as she screamed out all her frustrations and pain into her sodden hands. Loss, grief, and the dark shadows of horrifying, never-ending regrets burrowing underneath her skin and digging ruthlessly into her the tattered remains of her very soul where she'd endlessly search for relief she'd _never_ feel again...

April supposed she deserved this hell; this torrential rain of non-stop torture for she brought it into her friend's lives. Her actions taking away a best friend, a brother, and devoted son through a fault all her own. The demons and grief she faces now were well deserved for she had no one to blame but herself...

It was her burden to hear; one she believed she couldn't carry much longer...

April gasped for air; her sobs seemingly endless as her world continued to deteriorate all around her. A life she never imaged she'd be living right now. A hellish existence to where she was solely responsible for one of her dearest friend's deaths and there was **nothing** she could do about it...

With nowhere to turn; nowhere to redirect the indescribable pain, she wept. Her stomach and lungs raw as the tears washed over her face; it wasn't long until she fell into a dark, mercifully dreamless sleep curled up in front of her door.

* * *

 


	24. Farewell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some goodbyes are never easy even if they're not forever.

* * *

Splinter silently nursed a cup of lukewarm tea in his shaking paws; his distorted reflection staring up from him from the muddied green beverage. This past week since they arrived weighing on him harder than before. A visceral depression staking permanent residence in his chest; a dreary feeling he never imagined he'd experience since losing his wife and daughter. As silly as it sounded, he would wake up believing Raphael's death was all a bad dream only to have to accept the hellish reality of it.

Still, Hamato Yoshi moved forward; he _needed_ to be strong for his remaining children regardless of how much emotional agony he had buried inside.

A sudden hand on his shoulder brought him out of his inner musings.

"Good Morning, Yoshi, have you seen April?" Kirby O'Neil asked. The man looking worse for wear; his eyes heavily bagged and appeared to lose even more of his remaining hair these past few weeks. Even if Kirby was not incredibly saddened by Raphael's death, seeing his daughter in such horrendous distress couldn't be easy to stomach.

"No, I haven't. Perhaps she is still asleep." Yoshi spoke after clearing his throat; trying to ignore the fact it was already mid-afternoon and April was usually the first one up.

"Maybe. She hasn't been sleeping much, she's probably just tired. Like we all are I suppose." Kirby replied, running a hand over his balding head.

"Kirby."

"Hmm?"

"You seem in great distress. Is something the matter?" Splinter asked. This kind man had been so good to him since his son's death. Giving him a place to bury him and even to live if he so desired; not to mention met all of their physical needs on top of it all. Never had humankind been nicer to him since he was mutated. It only made sense to make sure Kirby was taken care of as well even if was just a friendly ear.

"I'm just conflicted is all." Kirby shrugged and was stunned into silence when Splinter offered the stool next to him. He took it.

"What is bothering you?" Splinter asked, taking a long languid sip of his tea.

"Staying here with April is imperative during this difficult time, but last night, I received an urgent e-mail from my superintendent. There's a crisis going down at the plant and he gave me an ultimatum - either I head back to the city as soon as possible or I have to look for employment elsewhere."

Splinter nodded bleakly in understanding.

"The problem is though... I don't know how April is going to take that. She's **so** fragile right now, I just... I _need_ to be here for her but... I need this job too. I have fifteen years in this company; it pays well and keeps me well-ahead of all the bills. I... I really don't know what to do, Yoshi." Kirby admitted, rubbing his hands over his tired face.

"You need to go back to it." Splinter responded quickly. "You must to keep you able to provide for your daughter. She's strong. She'll understand why you need to."

"I know, but... Yoshi, she's _never_ been like this. Not even during her mother's disappearance was she so irrevocably broken."

"April's seen something no one should. Lived through having someone close to her die in her arms... It's something viably horrid pulling at your stomach at all times... Believe me, I know..." Yoshi whispered, breaking his gaze with the man to look at some fixed point in the kitchen.

Kirby was quiet as he studied Splinter's profile; chest aching as he recalled Splinter's tale of having his wife die in his arms as his house went up in flames.

"I know what she'd going through. Now, Kirby. It's important you keep your job, and don't worry about April. We'll be here for her." Splinter reassured, placing a firm hand on the man's quivering shoulder.

Kirby just nodded before leaving the table.

* * *

"April?" Kirby whispered after lightly knocking on the door. Nerves shot and quite a bit tense when his daughter never showed up for breakfast. He brushed it off knowing how little sleep she got but when she never appeared for lunch, he knew something wasn't right.

"April?" he asked louder. A bit more frantic in the fact that none of the cabin's occupants had seen her up and about either. Splinter's words of comfort were doing little to alleviate his stress about her condition as well as telling her the bad news of his departure.

"April!" Kirby finally lost his cool, bumping his fist hard against the wood with a sharp 'thwack'.

Taken aback by the jiggle of the door handle and someone turning it from the other side. The man remained completely silent as April opened the door and he was immediately concerned when he saw her face. Eyes bloodshot and wet, tear tracks apparent down her face, hair tangled, and clothes disheveled; in short, she was a mess.

"April? Honey..." Kirby mumbled, reaching out to wipe a stray tear from his daughter's face. He tried to hide his disappointment when she visibly flinched away from his touch.

"W-What do you need, dad?" she asked nasally, sniffling while wiping her arm across her face.

"May I come in?"

Kirby wasn't exactly sure how to handle this situation but knew talking to his daughter was in order.

April didn't answer immediately; she just looked hopelessly at her father before she stepped back to allow him entrance.

Slightly discouraged at the direction this was going; Kirby squared his shoulders and entered the door; shutting it behind him before directing her to sit on the bed. Once seated, he moved again to run a hand along her loose hair; this time, he was surprised when she pushed into his hand.

"What happened last night, April? I mean, I know it's been difficult to deal with this, but...what happened? You've never been like this..."

"Nothing... Just tired I guess..." April responded; not exactly wanting to tell her father the entire truth. She didn't want anyone mad at Casey for making it worse; she'd rather deal with his indications on her own.

"It's not easy. Believe me, I know." While not exactly buying it, the last thing Kirby wanted was to pry. Instead, he just wrapped an arm around her thinning shoulders and pulling her to rest on his chest.

"I just...I really miss him today..." April responded truthfully, hands grasping his turtleneck sweater as her eyes burned with fresh tears with the very thought of Raphael. If he was here right now, he'd probably be pushing her through another kata and even if it was annoying at times, she'd give anything to do it with him now.

"I know, hon... I know..."

The atmosphere grew quiet; the only sound punctuating the silence was April's frequent sniffling and barely concealed sobs. Kirby rubbed her back in slow circles; desperate to comfort his broken daughter and just wishing it was possible to take her pain away.

"I have something to tell you, April." Kirby broke the silence knowing it wasn't going to be easy but time was of the essence and there couldn't be any more delays.

"What?" she whimpered before clearing her throat, pushing away from his chest to look him in the eye.

"I got an e-mail last night from Mr. Williams."

"Your boss?"

"Yeah."

"...What does he want?"

Kirby let out a sigh before responding, "He wants me back in New York by tonight."

"..." April's eyes widened but she didn't speak.

"He also kindly informed me that if I didn't - I'd be unemployed."

"What?! He can't do that! It's not right! That's blackmail!" she exclaimed, her voice cracking with the stress that had been on it for the past few weeks.

"April. There's an existential crisis going on in the company right now and my seniority gives me the means necessary to deal with this properly. I should feel honored that he'd ask me to do this."

"...So, you're going?"

"I don't have a choice April. You know I need this job..."

April grew silent; fresh tears springing into her eyes as she stared up at her father.

"Believe me, sweetie, I don't want to leave you, but I need to go." Kirby soothed, running his hand along her back.

April felt so unbelievably selfish in this moment; making her father feel guilty for leaving when he'd done nothing but constantly be by her side the entire time. Housing her, feeding her and taking care of her after her mother disappeared. Working hellishly long hours to provide for her and to think she almost had the audacity to beg him to stay. Her father losing his job would just be completely detrimental and heartbreaking in the long run and she knew there was no way she could ask that of him.

"Okay." she responded after a moment, leaning her head to rest on his shoulder.

"Thank you, honey. You know I really don't want to go, April. I understand that you're still dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil and I know you don't necessarily feel comfortable around his family right now." Kirby spoke and April was frozen by the truth of his words.

...was it really that obvious?

April gazed helplessly at her father; fresh tears stinging her bloodshot eyes.

Kirby just smiled gently at her; running his hand along her face to brush away a falling tear.

"They're going through hell, April. Losing a family member to violence is not easy but believe me, they understand what you're going through too."

April turned her eyes away.

Kirby pulled her face back to look at him.

"I know you'll be okay but, if you really want, you can come home with me."

"B-But they need food! They can't just go drive to the store to get food or whatever else they need!"

"We can spend the rest of the day buying a lot of necessities to stockpile for them so you can leave. It's up to you." Kirby offered, removing his hand and placing them to his side.

April grew silent, her eyes straying to her lap as she took in her father's offer. The temptation of just going home was great; being around his family and their grief only further accelerating her own. Yet, she stopped; recalling her promise to Raphael...

"No. I need to stay..." April answered after letting out a choppy sigh.

"You sure, April?" he asked, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah..."

Kirby smiled lightly, pulling her in for a hug and hated how his arms shook as she buried her face in his chest. The father trying desperately not to cry when April began sobbing in his chest. Comforting her the best he could with rubbing wide circles on her back in languid strokes. Holding her as she fell apart in his arms.

"You'll be okay..." he whispered and he felt like the biggest liar when the words left his mouth.

* * *

Casey Jones was silent as he approached the door of the kitchen.

All was pretty quiet since Kirby O'Neil left yesterday afternoon. There was a shift in the house; the man's responsibilities falling to April and himself to keep things afloat. It wouldn't have been too bad if he'd not said a word that night. Call it an indiscretion or a slip of the tongue but one thing was certain; he couldn't take it back. Now forced to live with probably further damaging April's emotional state was something he'd have to live with. Casey wasn't sure if he'd necessarily call it a regret on his part because some other side of him felt relieved that he told her for she deserved to know.

Still, it made things awkward between him and the redhead.

The familiar sensation of his gut clenching amid the thoughts of their last confrontation fresh in his mind. How she broke down and cried and he just stood there like a gaping fish. He didn't even try comforting her; just left her to cry all alone... A demented part of his psyche felt it was somehow deserved for how she broke the news of his best friend's death to him but knew that was a horrendously cruel thought the instant it arose. This was all just a bunch of hellish circumstances that exploded around them. Such inner turmoil none of which knew exactly how to deal with it yet alone handle the way they were supposed to. They were all just lost and dealing with it the best they could...

Casey wasn't sure how long he stood there looking at the back of April's head from his vantage point in the doorway. Words he needed to say slipped out much like they did the previous night.

"Hey, Red." he said while approaching her side.

"...hey." she replied, barely flinching at the sound of his voice and presence by her side as she continued to cut up the vegetables for dinner. The soft clack of the knife hitting the cutting board sounding like a bomb going off amid the pauses in their "conversation".

Casey fought an inner battle with himself on what he should say. All he knew was he needed to say something. Ultimately deciding that the sooner he apologized, the sooner it would be over and their fragile friendship could be rectified.

"Listen, April, I'm sorry, perhaps I shouldn't have told you somethin' like that, but - "

"Casey." April stopped, the knife she was using to chop the potatoes now lay flat beside the cutting board. For a long time he looked at her profile, the barely contained pain lacing those reddened eyes was making his stomach churn uncomfortably. "...it's okay...really." she finally finished with a distressed sigh, moving to wipe her eyes before going back to the task at hand.

Casey wanted to speak; wanted to get all of the words out in the open but he decided not to. He'd already said far too much and if he insisted, he pictured it only growing far worse...

"Ya need a hand?" he decided upon.

April's motions stopped upon his offer. Knife frozen between slicing a piece of carrot before she looked up at him and gave him a stiff nod.

"Yeah. That'd be great."

Handing him a bowl of already chopped veg, she silently motioned to a covered boiling pot.

Upon removing said lid, the fragrant smell of beef and spices were emitted. A stew he supposed. Taking a glance to his hand where diced pieces of carrots, celery, onion, and potato stared up at him. Without needing her to speak further, he gingerly emptied them into the boiling pot before taking the wooden spoon nearby and stirring them in.

"I'm used to yer dad doin' this, I guess." he admitted meekly when he had to wipe up a bit of liquid that splashed atop the stove from his erratic stirring.

"Yeah. Me too." April spoke; her words not evoking much emotion. The redhead didn't elaborate further; gathering up the inedible bits and wrinkled ends of the vegetables and putting them into the compost bucket near the backdoor.

"Splinter told me yer dad had to go back to work." Casey said, desperate to keep this conversation going and hopefully get to a comfortable level of conversing with her.

"Yeah. He didn't want to but he didn't have much of a choice. If he didn't leave back to New York City immediately, he was going to lose his job."

Casey wasn't exactly sure how to answer that so he asked another question.

"Ya didn't want to go back to the city with him?"

"No," she answered after a short sigh, "I wasn't ready to leave yet. I need to be sure Splinter, Mikey, Donnie, and Leo have everything they need... I just couldn't leave them here to fend for themselves..."

Casey just nodded in understanding.

Watching in silence as April began moving the used cutting board and knife into the sink and washing them. The sound of her scrubbing the board and knife had him needing something to do; so, without prompting, he moved to stir the simmering stew. The two worked in comfortable silence, April pulling out a bag of frozen dinner rolls from the freezer and prepping the oven and melting some butter as Casey placed them on baking trays.

All of a sudden, Casey chuckled, fresh tears springing to his eyes as he finished laying out the rolls in haphazard lines.

"What is it?" April asked curiously from near the stove.

"Just...remembering some stuff." he replied vaguely.

"..." April remained silent and awaited for elaboration. It was a few minutes before the vigilante answered her.

"I just remember this one time a few months ago when I went to the lair. Mikey was laying on the couch moaning like crazy; whining about how he was miserable and going to die. Raph just rolled his eyes; calling Mikey a big baby and reminding him that Donnie said it was only a bad cold. Yet, Mikey kept whining so Raph thought he'd make him some soup to get him to shut up...even though I'm certain it was more than that..."

April turned her attention away from the oven and back to Casey. The teen leaning on the kitchen island staring off at some place on the floor as he continued to speak.

"The second I walked in that kitchen, I swear I coulda retched. I had no idea what the hell he added to that soup to make it smell so bad, but...underneath that angry and frustrated exterior, I could tell Raph was worried about Mikey and wanted to do somethin' for him. Few ever saw this side of Raph. The guy really cared about his brothers even if he normally tried to deny it; he did." Casey spoke, wiping a quick arm across his face when his eyes started watering.

All of a sudden, Casey chuckled, "Even when he brought it to Mikey, the kid fuckin' ate it. I could tell by the look on his face it probably was doing more harm than good, but... He ate it anyway..."

"Sounds like something Mikey would do." April smiled while rechecking the oven temp. Anything to keep her mind occupied and not break out in tears like she wanted to.

"I don't even think Raph knew how much he meant to them...I just don't know how they're gonna move on, April..." Casey admitted lowly.

"...I don't know how any of us are..." April replied after a long quiet reprieve; still not looking at him when the oven timer beeped and she moved to retrieve the pans.

Casey moved to help her finish the rolls, quietly brushing on the butter as she went back to stir the stew and taste it for spice and herb adjustments. April stared into the pot, the bubbles of the boiling liquid staring at her as she tried to quell the burning in the backs of her eyes. There was so much pain and agony twisting her heart in her chest that it was almost unbearable.

"Raph would want us too though, ya know..." Casey spoke up.

April instinctively looked back at Casey and wishes she didn't. The young vigilante hiding his face in his hands; it was obvious by his sharp breath he was trying desperately not to cry.

"Why did he make lookin' strong so fuckin' easy?" Casey whimpered into his hands.

"I ask myself that all the time..." April replied, placing the oven mitts to the side before she suddenly found herself in Casey's embrace. This time, she more than welcomed it.

* * *

Yet another week passed.

The work around the house kept April and Casey occupied most of the time; pushing grief to the side as the two humans strove to keep the turtles and Splinter comfortable.

Whether it be shopping or preparing dinner; there was little time to think about their loss. Focusing on Raph's family to make sure their needs were met. Yet, it wasn't easy in the least. There were still the sleepless nights and agony that reared its ugly head on occasion. It was maddening just how the smallest things could set off a waterfall of emotions none of them could expect. As April dealt with it in strides, it was eating Casey up alive.

It was at this point in time a shift occurred; Casey began to grow antsy. Just being here and having to see Raphael's grave everyday and realize the impact of his absence began to take its toll. He grew restless and in need of greater distraction than helping April with dinner or cleaning could accomplish.

Casey needed change; needed to move on before grief completely overwhelmed him to where he no longer could function...

So, one evening as he went to go buy groceries at a local general store. Inside, he borrowed the owner's phone and called someone he hadn't spoken to in years. His uncle. Casey was surprised at how happy the man was to speak with him. As they got reacquainted and caught up, Casey told him vague details. His best fried dying and was now living in a cabin with his whole life in the back of his beat-up truck.

Little did Casey know what his uncle was going to say next...

* * *

"Where have you been, Casey?" April whispered from the couch when he reappeared through the cabin's squeaky screen door.

Casey stopped the quick answer when he saw Mikey fast asleep with his head in her cushioned lap.

"I told ya. I went to the store, Red." he decided upon as he plopped down in the recliner.

"For three hours?"

"That general store sure ain't close, O'Neil."

"Casey, it's almost 10 pm and I'm sure that place closes by 8. Where we you?"

"Maybe I just went for a drive afterward, okay? Yer not my mom..." Casey replied in a bit of a frustrated tone.

April grew silent for a long moment before replying, "...Sorry. It's not you _had_ to be here, it's just - I was just worried since you don't have a cell phone. That old truck of yours could have broken down and we wouldn't have known about it." April informed with the barest hints of disciplinary tones in her voice as she quietly ran her hand along Mikey's smooth dome.

"Well, I don't have much of a choice. Donnie won't let me touch the Shellraiser."

"For good reason! You almost crashed into the cabin last time."

"Meh. I dodged it when I saw it."

April just rolled her eyes and pretended to be interested in whatever was on television. The lack of sleep and horrible insomnia was really taking its toll on her lately. She was quickly caving to anger easily and old motherly habits that died hard.

"So where's Splinter, Donnie, and Leo?" Casey asked in a desperate attempt to change the subject.

"Asleep surprisingly. Or in their rooms rather; probably toss and turn all night like I do..." she sighed, quieting down when the youngest turtle shifted in her lap. "I'm just glad Mikey fell asleep... It's been a few days since he'd had a good night's rest." She subconsciously glanced over to Casey who hadn't looked up from his lap. The teen vigilante looked just...lost and more tired than he had ever been.

Not wanting to push or scold him, April stayed quiet. Trying her damnedest to get interested in whatever was showing on the television when Casey broke the silence.

"I was talkin' to my uncle."

If April was at all surprised, she didn't show it as he continued.

"The general store dude was nice enough to let me chat with him the whole time even past when he was supposed to be open."

"So, that's the reason you didn't bring back any groceries?" April asked.

"Yeah. Sorry about that by the way." when she didn't speak or ask further questions, he went on, "I called him cuz I have no where to go after this. I left my dad's house; everythin' I fuckin' own is in the back of my truck, or rather the garage under that tarp."

"You're more than welcome to stay here." the desperation in her voice obvious.

"No. I can't." he quickly tore the option down. "I just can't, April. Being here is just ripping me apart; having to see Raph's grave everyday. To live with the fact that he really is gone and he's not comin' back..." Casey sniffled, eyes burning with tears as he gripped the fabric of his jeans to try and quell them.

"W-when we go back to the city, you could stay with me and dad until maybe you get a job and your own apartment! I'm sure he wouldn't mind. I-I'll call him tomorrow, I'm sure he -"

"No." Casey firmly replied before she had the chance to finish.

April's face fell for a moment before she spoke again, "...then where are you gonna go?"

"My uncle offered me a job."

"He lives in the city?" April asked, voice hopeful.

"Nah. He lives in Boston; owns a mechanics shop and wants to show me the ropes; said he'd help me out; help me get me on my feet and stuff." Casey answered, stopping short of telling her how his uncle seemed to be the only family member who actually gave a shit about him but he quickly decided against it.

"...so, you're leaving?"

"I can't stay here, Red. I can't even go back to New York. It's just all too fuckin' painful..." he shrugged, wiping an arm across his face where a tear slipped down.

"...when are you leaving?" she asked, eyes straying to Mikey and running her fingers along the soft fabric of his mask.

"I dunno. Soon, I guess. ... I want here to stay and help ya, Red, I really do, but... Truthfully, I want to move on; go to work and get acquainted with a new city...to put all this hell behind me..." Casey admitted, hands wringing nervously in his lap.

"You really think that'll help?"

"Heh. I doubt it, but it's somethin' and I don't think ol' Raph would want me to remain stagnant and sad here. He'd probably yell at me to get off mah ass and actually do somethin' productive with me life." he chuckled mirthlessly as he ran a rough hand over his tired face.

"Sounds like something he'd say..." April admitted lowly, swallowing back a sudden lump that clogged her throat when she realized she was slowly starting to forget exactly what Raph's voice sounded like.

"Yeah...but don't worry, I won't leave you too high and dry. I'll help ya out with stocking food and whatnot before I leave. Maybe even give Donnie a hand to fix some much-needed repairs 'round here if he'll let me."

"I'd like that." April said; a forced smile on her lips as she struggled to deal with the news.

Casey just returned it and leaned further back into the chair; eyes straying to the droning voices and bright colors of the television screen.

* * *

It was three days when he left; packing his life into the back of his truck with Splinter's help. The elderly rat sad to see him go but being the most understanding of his plans; wishing him well in the long run.

Donatello was a bit apprehensive without any buffer with April around but ultimately allowed the vigilante to help him around the cabin. Even was able to stun Casey into silence one morning when the vigilante came out and saw Donnie repairing his truck's engine. Putting in new parts and making it run like a truck half it's age and double its monetary value.

Leonardo seemed numb still; the leader was certain to make himself scarce and only gave a terse nod and saying "good luck" when told of Casey's plans.

Mikey was deeply saddened by the news; goodbyes he never planned to make were now happening all around him without any way to control them. It broke Casey's heart to see the youngest turtle cry and cling to him for such a long time but he knew in the end, it was soon to happen regardless even though it didn't alleviate the pain in the least...

* * *

It was the middle of the night when Casey decided to take off. He planned to leave without alerting anyone but he should have known April would have found out.

April stood on the porch staring at Casey finish packing his truck; she was internally wondering how and why the hell her life had went so wrong... How tremendously final death was and how it wasn't just the person who left but how it effected all those around them. She never realized until Raph died how instrumental he was in all of it; the glue bonding Casey to their family. She'd said so many goodbyes in her life and it appeared yet another one was rearing it's ugly head...

Bracing herself yet again, she approached him.

"Hey, Red." Casey spoke upon noticing her approaching his truck.

"Didn't plan on saying goodbye, or what?" she chided, still a bit bitter about this whole thing even if she knew how unbelievably petty she was sounding right now.

Casey looked a bit guilty upon her statement but shrugged it off, "I wanted to make it easier on Mikey."

Seemingly appeased, she changed the subject, "We're gonna miss you, Casey. It won't be the same without you."

"Heh. Don't worry. I'll visit. Maybe even drop by to see Raph every now and again..." Casey replied, his eyes straying to the nearby tree with the carved stone plaque underneath. "You know, if that's okay..." he continued, is voice choked when it came out.

April's eyes followed his line of vision before gravitating back to him.

"That'd be nice. You're always welcome here." she replied and Casey was completely silent as she handed him a copy of the Northampton cabin keys. "You know, in case we're not here when you decide to drop by."

"Hmm. Thanks, Red." Casey responded, taking the key out of her hand but before he could, she pulled him to her and pressed her face into his chest.

"I bet he's so proud of you..." April whispered and Casey bit his lip to keep from completely losing it.

"You too, Red." he responded nasally after she pulled away.

"I know you'll do great there...and thanks...for everything..." April sniffled, running her hand over her watery eyes.

Casey wanted to say, "it'd be okay" but he didn't feel like lying about it anymore...

"See ya later, Red." he said instead.

"Bye..." she replied with a sad wave as he began moving toward the truck. She stood near it for awhile as he got in and strapped himself in.

Seemingly forgetting April was near, Casey's eyes gravitated toward the large oak tree and is best friend's grave underneath it. Heart lurching at the still unbelievable reality of the entire situation, he gave a sad wave before whimpering, "See ya around, Raph..."

April bit her lip and pinched her arm to quell the tears rising into her eyes but it didn't help upon hearing Casey's farewell. Drips of tears leaked from her eyes and she was surprised her legs didn't give out from underneath her from the grief that hit her like a pile of bricks.

Casey's engine revved to life and without another word, he slowly drove off out into the night; his headlights soon disappearing beyond the dense forests and toward his new home.


	25. Transcend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey's love transcends death and it break's April's heart…

* * *

Summer was quickly coming to a close; the days becoming shorter and nights noticeably colder. A time she usually loved and cherished this time of year at Northampton. As a child, it meant autumn was coming. Soon, there'd be apple picking at Ol' Man Johnson's place and making cider from the many baskets they would pick; green leaves changing color to bright yellows, oranges, and reds. The signs of it signifying many wonderful things; Halloween, dressing up, trick-or-treating, followed soon by Thanksgiving and the beginnings of snow until the bright joyous occasion of Christmas morning awaiting her…

Now, all the changing seasons meant it was colder for the turtles and not as much sunlight to lighten up the worst of times. The prompt approaching of holidays making their recent loss all the more painful. To make it worse, they were still in agony; constantly dealing with Raphael's death the best they could. It was a bitter pill to swallow for April as she watched them deal with it differently.

Donnie would toil away with work all hours of the day and the few times she was able to talk to him, the conversations were short and dry. It was obvious the genius was hiding a lot of inner turmoil but it would be cold day in hell before he opened up to her about it.

Leo was more or less the same as his genius brother. The leader busied himself with random chores as well as staying with Splinter more; meditating or just taking off for hours at a time. Leonardo was still avoiding her like the plague and for that, she still didn't blame him.

Splinter seemed to be dealing with it the best. A source of constant comfort and companionship if anyone needed it. His door, heart, and arms always open for anyone who wanted to come in. Yet, as much of an open book as he wanted to portray, April saw how broken he was. Tired brown eyes were bloodshot and bagged; the fur doing little in disguising how many sleepless nights he had… April worried for him…

Then there's Mikey…

The youngest brother was a shell of his former self; no pun intended. Where there once was so much brightness and life in those crystal blue eyes, there was now nothing but sadness. A constant aura of grief and loss surrounding him everywhere he went. What shocked April most was just how quiet he'd become. Mikey had always been loud, boisterous, so full of life and since Raph's death, it had been muted. Mikey's voice a mere whisper most of the time and it was rare to hear him speak much at all. So many nights she spent just holding him as he slept; hoping and praying that he was at least getting some respite from his pain in dreams…

This was where she found herself; her own personal purgatory.

Days, weeks, months passing since he died and it didn't waver in the least.

As night fell and droned on as usual, it seemed to be another one of those nights where April wouldn't be able to fall sleep...

It was hard enough to be alone with her thoughts let alone even think of laying there alone with them for hours in a failed attempt in sleeping. Visions of blood and his death, the sadness and grief surrounding the mutant family left behind, her own guilt for letting it all happen and circling back again.

A vicious cycle.

It became apparent she wouldn't find any respite in sleep tonight, so reluctantly, the redhead peeled back the blankets and made her way downstairs.

The comforting drone of the television was heard and she found herself in the same situation as many before. Pacing around the house in the middle of the night; cleaning the most menial of messes just for something to do. After finishing cleaning the kitchen for the fifth time that day, she moved back toward the living room to fold a stray blanket; placing it over the back of the couch in front of where the television was still on. As if almost subconsciously, she leaned over the side to see if Mikey was asleep so she could turn it off.

Instead, she jolted when she realized Mikey wasn't there.

It was a strange sight indeed for the youngest turtle always slept in front of the television. The mindless bright lights, colors, and spoken dialogue a constant distraction that allowed him to sleep alone and rather peacefully on occasion. So, to not see him here was immediately alarming.

 _Must be in the restroom.._. she thought; trying to think logically rather than panicking for no reason at all.

Shaking her head of any negative connotations, she went back to cleaning; going in and out of various rooms and tidying up. Yet, after half an hour passed, Mikey still hadn't returned and it was worrisome enough that she found her way up the stairs and toward his unused bedroom.

"Mikey?" she whispered as she approached his door, which was slightly ajar.

"Mikey?" she asked again, this time slightly louder as she pushed it open; the heavy squeak grating on her ears while peering inside the pitch black room. The only light provided was the cascading moon from the window and her heart hitched in her chest when she saw the bed was neatly made and empty.

A sudden shuffling in a room nearby had her exiting his bedroom and heading toward the sound. A light from underneath the bathroom door had her hope welling and without thinking - she moved.

"Mikey!" she announced loudly; knocked firmly on the worn wooden door. It was a harsh understatement to say she was completely blindsided when the door opened and she found herself fully confronted with Leonardo.

Dull blue eyes stared back at her and bore right through her.

"Sorry, Leo! H-Have you seen Mikey?" she asked and the Leader's expression didn't change at all.

April was unaware of how long he stared back at her without answering. It was his sudden movement back toward his room to peer inside where April got her answer.

Mikey wasn't in Leo's room either.

Without even waiting for Leonardo to do anything further, April leapt toward Donnie's bedroom even if the genius rarely slept in there at all. As expected, there was no one there either.

Splinter's room was cracked open as always and he was the only one in the room.

Seeing all of this put April in complete panic mode.

April sprinted at full speed down the stairs and toward the garage where Donnie spent most of his time. Upon opening the door, she found Donnie fast asleep on his desk; no sign of the orange banded turtle to be seen.

Heart palpitating and skipping uncomfortably in her chest, she closed the garage and headed toward the chicken coop. The silence of the chickens apparent that no one was inside. Making a few rounds around the property, she was praying to catch a glimpse of the youngest brother. Yet, as seconds turned to minutes with still no sign, April had enough.

"MIKEY!" she screamed into the night; voice hoarse and raw as she shouted his name.

The cold air surrounding her; the beauty which used to be cool late summer nights now filled her with trepidation as she searched for the cold-blooded turtle.

" **MIKEY!** " she screeched, making a full-on sprint back toward the house for perhaps she missed him inside but a sudden noise to her right had her stopping in her tracks.

Turning to the direction of the sound, her heart froze in her chest at the sight.

Underneath the giant oak where Raph was buried, lay Mikey. The youngest turtle curled in a fetal position on the ground right next to his brother's grave. Over top the convex of dirt was a blanket they shared and immediately, her heart shattered to pieces.

"Mikey…" she whispered as she approached him. His bright ethereal blue eyes cutting through the dark had her know he was awake. Upon further inspection, she lowered herself behind him as to not disturb Raph's resting place. Hand shaking like a leaf, she ran it over the curve of his round dome and across his thinning shoulder, hating how cold his skin was.

"What are you doing out here?" April helplessly chided, getting closer to the youngest turtle to perhaps give him some of her warmth.

"The weather report said it was going to be cold tonight…and Raphie…I wanted him to be warm…" Mikey whimpered, obviously choking back a sob, as he subconsciously adjusted the blanket over the dirt.

Tears that had been burning the backs of her eyes now dripped down her face as she stared down at the orange-banded turtle. His blue eyes so impossibly sad and voice shaking in trepidation as if in fear he'd be ridiculed for doing so.

April cradled him.

"That's so nice of you, Mikey…" she whispered into the side of his head.

"T-This is his favorite blanket and I dunno, it's so cold out here tonight s-s-so I thought I'd come keep him warm… Raph would do the same for me…" he replied and if anything, the pain in her chest intensified.

"I know he would, Mike…but Raphael also wouldn't want you to be this cold." she spoke, pulling back to place her hand on his hand, which felt like ice. "We really should go inside. It's much too cold for you out here."

"...I know, but, I just…want him to be warm…" Mikey muttered, swiping a hand across his tear-stained face.

April didn't speak for a long moment. Mikey's naivety was not in the wrong here; April was pretty sure Mikey knew that Raph was gone and his body didn't have need for warmth anymore but it still broke her to hear the adamant tone in his voice. Wanting to be with his brother and care for him even if it wasn't possible anymore. She did not to break that loving part of him that transcended death…

"We can leave the blanket here, okay?" April offered. "That way he could stay warm all night and then we can go inside, alright?"

Mikey looked conflicted for a long painful moment as he looked down to the dirt beside him and up to April. Moments later, he nodded and began shifting to sit up where April watched him pushing the blanket off his body; folding both sides over to make it thicker over the fresh convex of dirt where Raphael lay underneath.

"Night, Raphie…" he whispered, patting the blanket lovingly before standing to his feet.

Eyes averting from the scene to keep from crying out, April adjusted her clothes and brushed off some dirt that clung to her.

"I'm ready, April." Mikey spoke up a moment later; the youngest now standing in anticipation right in front of her. His baby blue eyes horrifically bloodshot and pained but somehow a little more at ease. "C-Can I have some hot cocoa and maybe watch a repeat of Crognard?"

"Of course." she sniffled, "Go wait on the couch. I'll be right there."

Mikey nodded before slowly making his way back into the cabin as April's eyes drifted back to the grave near her feet.

The pain of Raphael's absence was more apparent now than ever. How many lives he touched and impacted without knowing it. Sure, he may have been brash, rough, and rude sometimes, there was just something that drew you to him. A kindness and gentleness that far exceed what he should have been capable of. It was this part of him that precious few got to see and even fewer got to experience.

Mikey was one of those few who knew and cherished that part of Raph; and now, Mikey had lost it. Losing a brother; someone who had been so instrumental to life was outright tragic and now she was forced to watch the pieces fall around him.

Kneeling back down to the ground, April straightened out the worn, thick red fabric over his grave with hands shaking as she did so. Blue eyes gravitating to his gravestone; a name, a date signifying a life that ended far too soon. Most of the time, it still felt like a bad dream she would wake up from…but it was starting to sink in that she never would wake up. Forced to live in this perpetual hell of watching his family…her family… fall apart at the seams day after day.

"I wish you could have stayed…" she whispered, brushing a trembling hand over the ice-cold plaque.

April remained still for a long moment; allowing herself to cry before even thinking of heading back to the house to comfort Mikey. Taking a few deep calming breaths, she stood back up and left.

* * *

Leo stood in the shadows; watching as the whole scene took place.

Fears for Michelangelo took over the numbness that had his heart in a vice-grip for enough time to force him into action. Desperately searching the house for his brother before April's cries brought him outdoors and finally to the place under the massive oak tree where Raphael was buried.

There was Mikey, but what he didn't expect was April beside him. The redhead comforting his orange banded brother and the sight of it had him feeling more ill than relieved.

It was anger; but instead of it being directed at April like usual…it was at himself…

Allowing anger and hatred to coil in his gut to the point that he was ignoring his family…leaving April to look after Mikey when it should have been him…

Obligations; his role as leader completely meaningless as he stared at the sight of April holding him, speaking words of comfort to his youngest brother. Words that should have been coming out of his mouth but instead, it fell to the one who was partially responsible for taking Raph in the first place…

But as Leo stared at the scene taking place in front of his eyes, the numbness he'd come to rely on like a wooden crutch began being chipped away. The anger at her turning in on himself for day by day, it was becoming far to evident that the majority of it was completely unwarranted…especially toward April…

Seeing how wonderful she was with Mikey; how much she truly cared about him that had Leo's glass house of hate, anger, and numbness shattering to pieces…

* * *

 


	26. Forgiveness - Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo confronts some things he's been putting off far too long.

* * *

_Stress._

_Grief._

_Unbearable gut-wrenching agony._

It was all Leo knew anymore.

Losing his brother was nothing he ever expected to deal with. Never could have fathomed just how hard it would be to live without his hotheaded brother around. A sense of loss he could have never anticipated having to exist with.

Sure, life had never been easy for them.

Living underground in dark, dank sewers where it would be mercilessly cold in the winter and uncomfortably hot in the summer. Lack of food where they were forced to survive on worms and algae to get by. Dumpster diving to find necessities. It was just a hard life. Trusted with protecting the city and all its residents for absolutely nothing in return.

Leonardo recalled Splinter telling them how dangerous it was to be a ninja. How you attracted all the wrong types of people that wouldn't hesitate to kill you; so you had to be ready at any time for such an attack. Their father never sugar-coated how certain death would be if you weren't ready; pointed out certain areas of the body to always protect under a barrage of any weapon. What parts could cause instant death; others mutilation beyond belief.

His red-banded brother bore most of those scars.

So reckless in his attacks; allowing anger to fuel him into his frenzies. First one in, last one out. Calling dibs on the strongest enemies and there'd be so many times he'd obtain injuries needlessly just for the cool scar it left behind. It was this behavior that Splinter warned about; told him multiple times to eradicate, but Raph never listened. An early death would almost seem imperative and Leo supposed it was only a matter of time before it happened, but...he never fully anticipated it would be this soon...

A hard pill to swallow that Raph died at only 16 and not a blaze of glory as he anticipated; but a cheap shot during what was supposed to be a casual patrol with April. The foot soldier throwing the shuriken clearly saw her as the weaker target and threw them blindly at her.

Raph, doing what any good Sensei should, protected her by any means necessary.

It was sheer luck, good or bad depending what side you were on, that one would go astray and end up killing the stronger of the two.

A bitter chuckle left Leo's lips at the thought of something further. How Raph wasn't going to go down so easy. Making sure the person was dead before he allowed himself to fall. Whether he threw his sais after or before the shuriken was thrown, Leo wasn't sure.

…he'd like to think it was before...

It all seemed to clear now; his misguided anger, his hatred; bitterness, numbness. It was now just turning into one emotion. Forced to live without his brother; such a vital part of their team and family was gone without any rhyme or reason and it made him feel hallow inside.

...but as much as Leo wanted to hold on to anger and spite because it made him feel more alive; the majority of him was just **tired**...

Tired of clinging to anger like a lifeline; tired of being so frustrated with the fate befell to him and his family. So exhausted with holding onto bottled up hatred; the cause of it providing a constant gnawing in his gut. Anger toward April for her getting distracted; for not being able to do anything to save him, and for her to be last one his little brother saw before he died...

Yet, April had been nothing but accommodating here in Northampton. Making them food and drink without a hope of even a 'thank you'. Been waiting on them hand and foot without nary a complaint. Her father even leaving her for the city and Casey to move of state almost two full weeks ago, yet April strove on and it was at this point he began to realize she wasn't going to stop. He'd find her cooking, cleaning...holding and comforting Mikey all night… spending time with Splinter; and even occasionally helping Donnie around the house.

Through all the grief and turmoil, she pushed through even having dealt with such unbelievable trauma yet her first priority was taking care of them like it was her sworn duty.

Yet, all he did was sit around and suffer internally with his pain; not contributing just numbing himself to the world around him in hopes that he wouldn't have to deal with the horrendous ache in his chest.

Abating and dreading the truth of the matter which was his aggression toward her was completely unwarranted.

For really...what could she have done?

The wound was fatal and by the blood staining her clothes and hands when they found him - she had desperately tried. Tears staining her face and the sounds of her screams… April was just as broken as any of them, perhaps even more in a sense. Having to live with the guilt of her inaction and having to watch him die...a fate he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy.

Worst than all of his transgressions was not being there for his family. They were all still recovering and he barely interacted with any of them. Holing himself up in his dark room to ponder, writhe in agony, or scream out his frustrations in a pillow instead of confronting it…

Leonardo knew the only way he could truly begin to heal would be being with them…but first, he had a more urgent matter at hand…

* * *

April was stressed.

There was little to rebuke that fact after the past hellish months of her existence. Starting with the death of one of her best friends literally dying in her arms all because of her inaction. Immediately, she was to blame for it and she burnished it because of guilt, because she truly felt if it wasn't for her, Raphael would still be here…

Yet, thoughts like that always found their way to the back of her mind. It was the only way she could function, so she lost herself in chores if only to keep from falling apart.

So, again, she found herself in the kitchen; standing at the counter scrubbing the remainder of dinner off stubborn dishes.

Doing anything anymore if only to keep her mind occupied. Since Casey left, there was a viable shift that took place - she found herself with more responsibilities. Her father called repeatedly these past couple weeks offering to spend the weekends there.

All times, April refused.

This was her promise, her burden; her father had done enough and she knew having her father here would just deter her from facing her own responsibilities in this matter. So, she pushed through. Working day and night to make sure Raph's family was fed and as comfortable as possible.

Lately though, she felt more of her facade began to crack and crumble around her. Too many sleepless nights and the stress of it all was breaking whatever remainder of sanity she had. It should have brought her to her knees for she'd never been very emotionally strong but it was her promise. One she dare not break.

So, she kept on. Hands busying themselves with work if only to drown herself in it. April was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn't hear anyone approach let alone of whose steps they were.

"Hello, April." Leo's voice was not one she was expecting.

Totally thrown off, she turned toward him, somehow forgetting what her hands were doing and the plate she currently was washing fell to the ground; the resounding crack and the shattering of shards of ceramic littering the floor.

"Dammit..." she said under her breath as she stared down at the remains. The shock of seeing Leo out of nowhere completely overthrown by sheer embarrassment. April was completely ashamed and beside herself for allowing this slip up; letting out a deep sigh to calm her nerves before maneuvering to get the broom but to her surprise, Leo beat her too it.

"I didn't mean to startle you. Let me help." he spoke, his voice strong; reminiscent of the Leader she knew him as.

Hands fidgeting and not sure how to react, she stiffly nodded if only to see what he'd do.

April was silent as she watched Leo walk over to the numerous shards and sweep them up into a pile. The leader swept them into the dust pan before making his way to the trash and tossing them inside. It was as if she was in a dream watching this from a different vantage point; wondering if this could possibly be the same Leonardo that had been avoiding her and held hostile resentment toward her since the night Raph died. The same one who did anything to avoid speaking or conversing with her at all; let alone being in the same room and approaching her.

It all seemed so surreal…

"Thanks." she finally spoke. Knowing she needed to say something as he placed the items away before washing his hands. "Um, did you need anything, Leo? T-There's a lot of leftovers from dinner if you're still hungry a-and I made lemonade too."

Leo shook his head.

April, completely taken off guard by his presence, let alone him willingly speaking with her was frozen. Waiting on pins and needles for the next words to come out of mouth. She expected more anger or something about the housework. It was an understatement to say she was shocked with the words that poured out instead.

"I want to apologize, April."

April's eyes widened and nervous jaw loosened a bit at his words. It was one of the last things she expected from him. Before she could even begin to wrap her head around his words, he continued.

"It was...wrong of me to verbally attack you the night Raph died...and avoid you pretty much every night since…" Leo sighed, careful not to break eye contact as he continued, "It took me a long time to realize it, but... what happened that night wasn't your fault."

The words were like a hot knife stabbing deeply into her gut; boiling and searing her skin on the way inside. A horrible, wretched feeling to bestow if there was one. April's stomach churned as she listened; tongue lead and eyes burning with unshed tears. The words none she expected yet alone to hear right now for she still blamed herself. Leo's anger toward her was completely warranted; she was too slow, not ready, and Raph had to die because of it...and for Leo to say those words was never what she wanted to hear…

"You could have never realized it would have happened - especially as fast as it probably did…and I know Raphael would have protected you regardless." he explained and a single tear dripped from both his bloodshot blue eyes he spoke, "T-That was just the way he was." his voice began to break, "Ever since we were kids, Raphael had always been very protective and he would have had greater initiative in protecting you since he was your Sensei. It was his duty...and if didn't find you worthy, he wouldn't have…but he did."

A firm hand was placed on her shoulders and she had to fight back the need to visibly flinch from the sudden contact.

"So, I'm sorry, April. I should have never treated you that way and I apologize. I hope you can forgive me." he finished, removing his hand before bowing slightly and leaving the room as silently as he came.

The second he stepped out of the room, April found her hand over her mouth holding back a cry. Greater pain than she could have fathomed overcame every fiber of her being as she collapsed to the floor with a thud. Body shaking like a leaf as she bit into the flesh of her hand to keep from crying out; instead, soft silent sobs coursed through her very being and she fell apart in the middle of the kitchen.

* * *

At first, Leo didn't intend to talk to Donnie this way; the leader was enthralled with his latest project and did not appear to be in any mood to talk. Let alone to him. Ever since their spat in the kitchen, the air around them had been a bit tense even if Donnie had ultimately forgiven him later on. Leo had a lot of his own guilt over his absence and he believed there was still a bit of hidden resentment from the genius brother as well. He didn't blame him for that.

As he walked further into the garage where Donatello spent the majority of his time, he froze upon seeing the metal gurney pushed to the side of the wall; a sheet folded atop it and it's use had his stomach clenching in his gut.

"Need something, Leo?" Donnie asked dryly from his spot under his latest invention.

Leo's scales prickled at the sudden sound to break him from his reverie. "Uh, yeah…" he decided to answer; intending to ignore the bitterness laced in Donnie's voice.

"What?" Donnie continued, moving from his place from under the table to stand; wiping his hands off methodically as his eyes gravitated to his oldest brother.

Leo remained silent for a long moment; internally pondering the words he needed to say. As he stared at Donnie, it was apparent the already tall, lanky turtle had lost significant weight since all of this occurred. It was startling and alarming to see but bringing it up now wouldn't help anybody, so without any more prompting, he spoke.

"I just came to say that you were right…you know, like always." Leo began, hoping catering to his brother's genius would make cracking the ice a bit easier in the long run, "I was a coward. I ran away and tried to deal with Raph's passing in a completely selfish manner. I was inconsiderate of anyone but myself and my own issues…It's only now I see it…and I'm sorry…ya know, it took so long to realize it."

Donnie stared at him; eyes glassy and not telling at all at what exactly was going inside his head. Leo expected anger; hostility, and one of the epic long drawn out belittling Donatello was famous for…but it didn't happen.

"I'm glad you're finally coming around." was all Donatello said before moving back under the machine; it was hard to tell if the dryness in his voice was purposeful or just incidental of his mental state.

Before Leo could speak otherwise, Donnie continued, "It's been…difficult to say the least. We really needed you. Especially Mikey and it was hard for me to step up and fill in the spot that was meant for you…or for Raph…"

A distinct somber silence reigned for a long time before Leo moved; the leader sidling down to the floor and sitting next to where Donatello was reclined. The first thing he noted was the mistiness in Donnie's tired brown eyes; valiently keeping his eyes on his work and trying desperately to ignore his brother's blue eyes gaze.

"I **know** I should have been there. I know I should have been around for all of you, but I was just so _broken_. So mad at everything…I still am but…I know I can't be anymore… I need to be there for Sensei, for Mikey…for you. I let you guys down…and…I'm so sorry, Don." Leo muttered, hating how quickly tears formed and began leaking down his face.

Donnie didn't speak right away; quietly, he continued working; using a nearby wrench to tighten a loose facet as he digested Leo's words and toiled away at his own inner turmoil. There was too much left unsaid, too much tense feelings left to ponder but this wasn't the time nor the place for it. There'd be plenty time later he supposed…

"Me too…" Donnie finally whispered; swallowing a thick lump that clogged his throat as he lifted himself up the floor to sit next to his brother. The wrench making a solid clang as it hit the tattered cement below.

Leonardo was not at all prepared when Donnie suddenly grabbed him. Shaking hands and thin arms enveloping his shoulders as the genius pulled him in for a hug. The desperate movements breaking whatever self-control that was keeping his tears at bay.

"It's nice to have you back, Leo…"

As tears began fleeting down both their eyes, Leo embraced him.

There in that dusty garage and what had been Raphael's morgue for a time had become a place of acceptance…and hopefully…eventually - healing.


	27. Forgiveness - Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo confronts some things he's been putting off far too long. Part 2

* * *

"Mikey?" Leo asked, hands trembling a bit as he reached out to touch his napping brother. The youngest lay curled in Raphael's favorite blanket in front of the television.

It was quickly noticeable that Mikey was sound asleep and for that, he was grateful. Quiet as could be, he lowered himself near the open spot on the couch by his head; gingerly lifting and placing it in his lap. Much to his relief, Mikey didn't even flinch at the contact.

So, there he sat, Mikey's head nestled in his lap, hand gently caressing his smooth dome. Fingers trailing over his orange mask; worn fabric making a pleasant grating noise when he ran his digits over it.

Time seemed to pass of its own accord, seconds, minutes, and hours were indiscernible as he sat with his eyes never leaving his little brother's semi-peaceful face. Never realizing when another presence made itself known with soft padded footsteps and the swish of fabric.

"...Leonardo?" Splinter's voice was calm and whisper quiet when it broke through the room. The muted television mere background noise was barely acknowledged if only for the light it provided.

"Sensei." Leo responded respectfully and automatically; a instinct deeply embedded into him from years of training under him.

If Splinter was surprised to see him out of his room, he didn't say it. Only a slight furrowing of his furry eyebrows any indication of slight confusion. The Sensei was methodical as he lowered himself to sit down in the chair closest to his eldest son; taking in the scene of him as well as Mikey who was still fast asleep in his lap.

For a long time, Leonardo ignored the eyes of his father boring into his skull; trying desperately to come up with any tactic on what to say or do to appease his behavior since Raphael's death. To explain why he'd acted out and made his family suffer all the more for it. But for the life of him, the words simply wouldn't come… As close as he was to his father and the ease at which he usually spoke with him was hung over his head, he found this may be the most difficult of all… Yet, he learned quickly he didn't have to be the first to speak.

"It's nice to see you out and about, my son…It's wonderful to see you." Splinter spoke, voice a lot stronger this time.

Leonardo was frozen for a moment before he felt brave enough to stave his eyes from the comforting flashing lights emitting from the television and toward their father. Immediately flinching when he found himself staring right into his dark brown eyes.

"T-Thank you, Sensei." his mouth provided automatically.

"You mustn't be so formal, my son."

"Sorry, Spli-… _dad_."

"Hmm…I apologize if this if too forward, my son, but I must ask you, what has changed that you'd find yourself out of your room?" Splinter tended to leave little stone un-turned; always getting right to the heart of the matter… For once, Leo wasn't at all prepared for it.

"...it's a long story…" Leo muttered, eyes beginning to burn and stomach clenching with guilt.

"I have time." Splinter reminded and Leo felt his consonance crumble.

"Yeah…I guess we do…" he pondered, eyes straying to the slumbering Michelangelo in his lap.

Leo allowed himself to take a few deep breaths and thankfully, his father easily sensed his distress for the rat's eyes left him in favor of the television. Allowing the terrapin plenty of time to sort his thoughts before he finally began to speak.

"I think I need to start from the beginning…" Leo finally spoke and if Splinter was surprised, he gave no indication.

"Take your time." was all Splinter said before Leonardo began.

"As soon as it happened… I was angry. Just so angry like I never had been before. I was mad at April, at that Foot Soldier…but mostly at Raph…" Leo whimpered his deceased brother's name when it came out. "I was mad that he left us…a part of me still is… I'm furious that he protected April when it ultimately cost him his life…I…I wanted to let this anger out, to destroy those who took him away."

Splinter flinched a bit at the words; his worst fears confirmed of where Leo may have been the whole time.

"Because perhaps then," Leonardo continued, this voice breaking, "…maybe it wouldn't hurt so much…"

"You mean destroying those who did this?"

Leo just nodded and a chill went through Splinter's spine.

There was an unspoken information given and it was alarming to realize Leonardo had went to face Shredder without backup during an incredibly tumultuous time. A time in which his emotions were controlling his actions and the consequences of doing so were far more fatal than those of a warrior with a sound mind…

"Shredder could have easily killed me, dad... If I had attacked him when he was down…I wouldn't be here right now." Leo admitted and Splinter's mouth went dry.

"What stopped you?" Splinter was afraid to ask but did anyway.

Leonardo's eyes were bloodshot and teary when he finally met the brown of his father; ethereal blue leeching into the night as he answered.

"...Raph."

Splinter didn't bother hiding the confusion on his face.

"I heard Raph, dad…" Leo whispered, body trembling a bit as he recalled the crystal clear voice he heard; the demanding inclinations and tone of his voice so pure right in his ear. "It was as if he was right there beside me…he told me to stop…and I did. He saved me, dad. I know he did… I-I didn't want to believe it, but there's no other explanation… It wasn't my delusional mind suffering from too-little sleep or some fantastical dream. It was too real, too visceral to have been my imagination. I understand that now…"

A wondrous sensation befell Splinter as he saw the awestruck look on Leonardo's face as he spoke. The certainty and tone so evident by the hints of a smile inching its way up his face. His story a fantastical fairy-tale it seemed but to Splinter, it fit. If anyone's soul was strong, or rather stubborn, enough to persist after death and protect his brothers…it was Raphael…

"Raph's the reason I came back here. It was like I'd been pulled from a trance or a coma. I-I knew I needed to be here but during the drive…I became cold again. Familiar anger burning in my gut, I just… I let it consume me; it was like being possessed."

"But you had just experienced something so amazing. Why would you-"

"I don't know," Leo interrupted. "I just don't know. I guess… I was still dealing with the fact that he was really gone and that perhaps I was crazy. I allowed it to take over me and…well…you know the rest. I was distant; cold, angry the second I arrived here. I still am, I guess, but…now… I'm just **tired**."

Splinter stared at his morose son; the bags evident even underneath the mask and the light from the television was only putting them in higher contrast.

"Anger is tiring. It takes a lot of energy to remain so for a long time." Splinter explained and Leo met his eyes, "…why do you think Raph liked to sleep so much?"

A somewhat smile peered on Leo's face and before Splinter knew it, Leo was chuckling, the sound more melodious than he had anticipated. It had been so long since he heard laughter that he'd almost forgot what it sounded like. Splinter allowed a warm smile to perch on his lips but the second he did, Leo's smile fell and eyes misted up; before long, his chuckles turned to breathy, deep sobs and tears were slipping in a stream down his face.

Splinter remained hopelessly silent as Leo cried; the hitches and sobs in his voice were barely heard, but they were there.

"I-I used to get mad at him for sleeping so much…" Leo whimpered louder than intended, wiping a quick hand across his face. "…I was _always_ too hard on him, dad… **always** …Finding _any_ excuse to belittle him or get upset at him over the stupidest things that don't matter at all!"

"Retrospect is 20/20, my son. Looking back, there are always things we wished we'd done differently." Splinter admitted, allowing his voice to break for only a moment as he reached a hand to touch Leo's shoulder. "Myself included."

Leonardo was silent for a long moment as he pondered his father's words; tears continuing their unheeded descent as he finally met Splinter's eyes. "…I just wish I got a chance to say goodbye…a-and to tell him how much I loved him…" he admitted before he broke down.

Before Leo knew what happened, his father had him wrapped in his arms; careful to not bump the slumbering Michelangelo. The terrapin almost instantaneously returned it; breathing in the comforting scent his robes always held; the scent of tea and distinct scent of the dojo and its ever burning incense.

"I wish I got that chance as well…" Splinter whimpered into his son's ear as he held onto Leo even tighter.

Leonardo's breath hitched at the pain etched into every fiber of his father's voice before burying his face into his robes and allowing himself to fall apart.

"D-Do you think h-h-he'll ever forgive me, dad?" Leo sobbed breathlessly into Splinter's chest.

"...I think he already has…"

* * *

Hours later, Mikey awoke to the sound of the rooster outside.

Those were April's gift; the chickens and rooster to provide eggs and meat as well as perhaps caring for them to keep their minds occupied. She may have been stuck doing all the work, but he appreciated the sentiment and did enjoy spending some time in the coop and watching them peck around the yard on occasion. When the rooster's shrill crow went quiet, the youngest was full on ready to go back to sleep and hopefully back to the pleasant dream he was having.

If he was honest, Mikey didn't care to face another day without Raph around but a sudden shift underneath his head had stopped him; the strange non-pillowy lump underneath his head moved.

Peeling his tired eyes open, he expected April to be there; even perhaps Splinter or Donnie but he never expected what he saw.

"L-Leo?" Mikey asked, voice small and unused.

"M-Morning, Mikey. H-How did you sleep?" Leo answered. The leader, while preparing what he was going to say for hours now found himself strangely tongue-tied.

Mikey didn't answer right away; questioning if this was another strange dream. For Leo had been pretty much absent this entire time and the youngest wasn't completely sure if this was even reality. Finally getting his bearings, Mikey sat up and left a fairly good distance between himself and oldest brother.

"Okay, I guess." Michelangelo answered with the barest hints of a shrug as he continued to stare uncertainly at his blue-masked brother.

"That's good." Leo continued as if only to fill the increasing uncomfortable silence surrounding them.

"What are you doing down here?" Mikey asked, the chiding tone of his voice was not at all what Leo was expecting but he admitted he rightfully deserved. Before Leo could answer, Mikey continued, "Did dad or Donnie make you come down here to be with me?"

"No, Mike. Of course not." Leo answered; wanting desperately to reach out to his hurting youngest brother but instinctively knew it wasn't wanted right now.

"Then what gives?" Mikey sniffed, wiping his hand over his tired eyes. "You'd never listen to April, so what **are** you doing down here? You haven't exactly been around since you got here…"

"..." Leo was stunned into silence at the anger leeching through Mikey's voice. The normally bright tone he was used to had been drained from him and left this raspy husk in its place.

Almost instinctively, Mikey pulled Raph's blanket around his shoulders and stared at the television. Leo continued to remain silent and a part of Mikey hated it. Hated how distant he'd become but if Leo pushed him aside, he figured he could do the same…

"I know…" the words were nowhere close to what Mikey expected.

Widened blue eyes left the television to stare at the eldest brother. Confusion leeching through bloodshot eyes as Mikey stared in complete disbelief at Leonardo.

"...what?" Mikey asked, voice a mere breath.

"I know I haven't been there, Mikey…and I'm so sorry…"

Glass walls that had been put up since Leo disappeared developed a hair-lined crack on its fragile surface. The sincerity laced in Leo's cobalt blues shook Michelangelo to his very core. A glimpse of his eldest brother he'd missed so much was apparent in his eyes. Yet, words didn't come to him so Leo continued to speak.

"I know what I did to you guys was wrong. I made a mistake…and I acknowledge that, Mike. To be frank, I was a complete jerk for doing so. I never should have left." Leo said and Mikey finally lost it.

"Then why did you?!" Mikey cried, clinging even harder to Raphael's blanket around his shoulders.

Leo's face fell at the truth lacing his youngest brothers words and the obvious pain dwelling in those bright, once-happy eyes.

"..."

"...Why?!" Mikey asked again after Leo remained silent.

"...I don't have a good answer for my actions. I was angry; hurting-"

"And we weren't?!"

"I know, Mike, but-"

"We **needed** you…" Mikey whimpered, tears that had been burning the back of his eyes now falling in a constant stream down his face. "…and you just left us. Ran away and didn't bother calling even just to let us know you were okay…"

"Mike, I-"

The youngest shook his head to stop him from speaking. "You're our leader, Leo. You were supposed to be there for us. When Raphie…left…we were just trying to figure out what to do and it was so hard…like a nightmare you can't wake up from. I-I couldn't sleep or eat, I just…" Mikey sniffled loudly before continuing, "I wanted Raphie back…I wanted you home…but that never happened. Then when you finally did show up here, you never left your room or even bothered to be with us…"

"Mikey, I'm so sorry…" Leo breathed after a brief silence; the sheer agony lacing Mikey's voice was like a molten katana plunging into his gut. "I-I wish I never left, I do…"

"Why did you then?" Mike reiterated.

"I wanted to destroy those who took Raphael away. I wanted them to feel the pain I felt…that I feel. I wanted to make them **pay** ; to suffer for it…" Leo briefly met Mikey's eyes before his face fell, "…but I wasn't. I was only causing you guys more unnecessary pain… It wasn't until it was too late that I realized it."

"..."

"I missed Raph's funeral, I missed being there for you through it all…and for that, Mike, I am **so** sorry… I-I can never repay you for all the time lost, but I promise, I'm gonna try." he whispered, reaching out and ran his hand over Mikey's teary cheek and brushing away the salty liquid. A part of him broke when Mikey initially flinched at his touch but it warmed his heart slightly when the youngest leaned into it a second later.

"You mean, you'll be around more?" Mikey asked, sniffling and wiping his snout a bit when Leo pulled away.

"If that's what you want." Leo offered.

Without answering, Mikey threw himself into his brother's arms, hands grasping desperately at the edge of Leo's shell to pull him closer. The glass wall shattered and Mikey couldn't stop but hold his brother close and allow the pain he'd harbored for so long to leak down his face.

Leo cried at the sudden contact, pressing his face into Mikey's shoulder and pulling him as close as possible; this time, never intending to let go.


	28. Hallow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a season of changes for everyone…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the month hiatus with this story. Just trying to get this story in order of where ultimately I want it to go. Hope y'all enjoy. :-)

* * *

As one week turned to the next, April began to sense and watch a change begin to happen around Northampton.

Careful to witness slowly as Leonardo began to grow more accustomed to being with his family. Spending hours at their side regardless of they wanted him there or not; whether it be to lend a listening ear or even being a shoulder to cry on in the case for Mikey. To help around the house with chores accompanying Splinter or Donnie and even her for those rare occasions.

Leo would go out of his way to make sure things were in order, help make dinner, clean, sweep, or even wash dishes. All this without even being asked.

April was more or less confounded at first by the seemingly overnight change in the oldest brother but that isn't to say it wasn't unwanted. It was a nice change and a rather beautiful one at that. While she was still in a bit of emotional pain over the discussion of him forgiving her, she had to push that aside to move on. Hearing those words of forgiveness was not easy; for her own guilt still continued to eat her alive day by agonizing day. She still held resentment for her own misguided actions that caused Raphael's death but if Leo could forgive her, perhaps in time, she'd be able to forgive herself…

Yet, dealing with it wasn't easy by any means…but it was slowly getting easier.

* * *

Yet another month passed; fall now in full swing. Bright green leaves fading and changing to hues of yellow, orange… _and red_. A color that still gave her a twinge of pain whenever she would glance upon it even in nature. It was an ever constant reminder that Raphael wasn't there; that every day that passed would truly mean to await another one where he would still be gone. He wouldn't be waltzing through the door, wailing on his punching bag, training with Splinter, arguing with Leo, playing video games with Mikey, being snarky with Donatello, or even ignoring her penetrating stare behind a magazine.

Raphael's absence left an aching hollowness that would never fully dissipate.

Guilt that would continue to consume her for the rest of her days was nothing to take lightly. It was a constant reminder of what was lost and what could have been. His family, while together as of now, was still in shambles. There were pieces missing and no amount of glue or distractions to fill those gaps would ever completely make them whole again.

Raphael was gone; an irreplaceable piece of family was taken away never to be regained. It wasn't about forgetting or moving on, just dealing with it day by day. Learning to live without him there. Coming to terms with the fact that absolutely _**nothing**_ would ever truly be the same again. Herself and his family forced to come to grips with that was the most difficult thing to face day after agonizing day.

For now, she strove on; pushing forward like Raphael was famous for. Never making excuses, just moving ahead with life regardless of obstacles and circumstances. His stubborn nature and not letting it have the upper hand was of great help to her. Even in death, she ran on his known strength; taking to heart those many lessons of perseverance he taught her to hone to her advantage. It was those lessons that helped her get through those particularly difficult days when all she wanted to do was lay down and cry.

Instead, she got up and persevered.

April's relentless promise to the red-banded brother was what kept her going. Her need and desire to help his family; keep them fed and comfortable for as long as need be was her reasoning for moving on. She needed to be there; to help pick up the pieces and help them fit back together as best as she could even if she knew they'd never fit together the same way.

It was a constant struggle but April was determined, like Raphael, to keep moving forward.

* * *

The change in seasons had been rather unkind to the ninjitsu master. No longer spending the majority of his days underground in their perfectly controlled environment, he was forced to deal with an unnatural amount of cold. The thin walls and rickety windows let in far too much chilled air and let the heat escape easily; old bones and joints ached with the season of autumn's approach.

Yet, it didn't even begin to compare to the ache that hadn't left since his second-oldest son had died about three months ago.

It hadn't been easy to stomach the loss and move on, but he didn't have much of a choice. He could either roll into a ball and just wait for death to ease the tremendous pain or move on to help his other three children through it. He easily chose the latter for the overwhelming fact that his remaining children **needed** him. Needed guidance, comforting hug, listening ear, and shoulder to cry on. Splinter was determined to bring his family through this agonizing time, to push forward to keep living and striving in a cruel world that took his Raphael away.

No one ever said it would be easy to lose a child but after losing his lover and having his daughter kidnapped and turned against him, he thought he would be able to stomach it easier. Yet, it wasn't true in the least. Death was so permanent, so overwhelming. Losing his beloved Teng Shen had hurt like the fires of hell licking at his soul but his son…to lose this little turtle he'd raised, loved, cherished for over 16 years had crushed his heart to dust inside of his chest.

To not be able to see those bright green eyes or signature smirk lighting up his face; hear his raspy voice and even listen to him complaining about one thing or another. Life from this point forward was hallow. Empty. Incredibly dark and painful now; so unfair to have to face day after agonizing day.

Recalling those precious moments of Raphael growing up; ambling around and trying so hard to gain his approval. These acts of rebelliousness causing him to get in trouble more often than not; to act out in response to Leo's chosen role in the family didn't go unnoticed. Splinter was regretfully strict when he had to be and everything inside him now deeply regretted it. Angered at himself for the way he disciplined his son over the years. It cut so deeply to know he'd never be able to speak to him, to hold him, to tell him just how proud Raphael made him.

Hindsight was always 20/20. He understood that now.

There was no time machine, no magic that could turn back time and change it. That simply wasn't an option, Splinter would indeed have to live with these regrets, live with the untimely death of his red-banded son and deal with it day after day until he breathed his last. Of course, there would be regrets, what-if scenarios, and could have beens but Splinter dared not even fathom them. The pain was still too visceral and fresh. Perhaps in time, he'd confront it, but now was simply not the time.

Splinter's only option now was to go on. Push forward in this cruel world; to be the strength his family needed so desperately. It would never be easy, but no one ever said death would be. With this thought, he exited his humble bedroom and made his way downstairs to face another day with only three of his four sons…

* * *

Leo took a deep breath, folding his hands over and over in his lap as Mikey quietly picked at blades of grass that began to grow upon Raphael's grave-sit and tossing them into a pile by his side.

It was so damn difficult for the leader.

To be here in the vicinity of where his little brother was buried, but for some reason, it was unbelievably comforting for Mikey. He supposed because it gave the orange-banded turtle the sensation of being close to Raphael again. A place he could go and talk to his deceased brother for hours about everything and anything, but for Leo, it just hurt. Pain buried deep in his gut at the indication that this spot, buried six-feet under, was all that physically remained of his brother. A hallow husk, an empty vessel not containing his fiery spirit, loud boisterous personality, or dry sense of humor.

It was a rather tough and bitter pill to swallow. A sense of dread, agony, and regret left a horrible stench in his nostrils and a nauseating sensation constantly rumbling in his gut… It hurt so fucking bad. He missed Raphael desperately; hated that he was gone and still had a hard time accepting he wasn't coming back. He supposed that would always remain; a pain and inkling in the back of his mind of what exactly was lost. A constant dark shadow that would overwhelm him for the rest of his days. This pit and hole in his gut that would never be filled…

"Leo?" Mikey's small voice broke through a cloud of depression staining his mind.

"Yeah, Mike?" Leo asked, wiping at some invisible dirt on his lap.

"...D-Do you think that Raphie…can still hear us?" Mike asked, the barest hints of a shrug lifting his shoulders. Those blue eyes were so haunted, so incredibly sad that Leo's tongue remained wedged to the bottom of his mouth. The leader bit the inside of his cheek to try and keep the ache in his heart at bay.

In his mind, there was no logical answer that could help in this situation. No amounts of comforting or any way to distract or redirect the question. Truthfully, Leo didn't know. A part of him wanted to believe Raphael was still watching over them. Hell, his own experience spoke volumes but he was still trying to confront that reality. Still trying to fathom if that was actuality or his agonized mind hearing what he wanted to hear. So much of him was just a contradiction; stuck between wanting to move on and denying Raphael died at all…

"I-I dunno, Mike. I really don't." Leo reluctantly answered, hand reaching out in a gesture of comfort to the youngest turtle.

Mikey's face fell for a second as he glanced over to the plaque; shaking digits reaching and brushing at the smooth stone and over the engraved words upon it.

"I like to think that he can." Michelangelo whispered with all the confidence in the world.

Leo wasn't certain how to respond, so he remained silent as his hands moved back to rest upon his lap.

Blue eyes watching in rapt attention as Mikey smoothed over the dirt covering the grave and arranging a small bunch of late-blooming flowers nearby. Nose wrinkling a bit in distaste for the floral arrangement considering Raphael's hatred of them in life, but again, he said nothing. All in perhaps a pathetic attempt to keep Michelangelo happy; he wasn't exactly sure.

"I also like to think perhaps in some way, that he's still here." Mikey spoke almost to himself, "that he's watching over us and making sure to keep us safe. You know, like he always did…" the youngest choked out near the end. Swallowing back a gasp and sob that tickled his throat.

Leo's eyes gravitated to his own lap, hands nervously pulling at his knee pads in an effort to keep his physical being occupied and preventing his emotions from total breakdown at Mikey's words. Own mind in a torrent of pain from Raphael's loss but at the same time, a strange sense of peace and calm washed over him. Thinking about his little brother watching from some spiritual plane; keeping a sharp eye out for any and all who would want to hurt them. It did sound exactly like something Raphael would do…

"Yeah. Maybe." Leo responded; not entirely sure why the words even left his mouth when his brain was still tying desperately to think of an answer for Mikey.

"Yeah…but, I-I still wish he was here." Mikey said after an almost unbearable silence, drawing Leo's attention back to him. "Even if it was only for a few minutes."

Heart clenching at the tears that built in Mikey's baby blues. There was a visceral pain that shook him deeper than anything else. If only it were possible, Leo would give everything including his life if it meant to be with Raphael again. To bring him back just for closure and that was the hardest thing he supposed of this entire thing. There would never be closure; never be words stated between them to perhaps clear the air. To be certain Raphael knew of his love for him and how much he was sorry that he wasn't there…

A guilt he would never fully rectify. There weren't enough words to describe just how much he regretted not being there; allowing his little brother to get killed. More guilt piled on with how he reacted; seeking revenge and his own sense of justice when his family needed him…he supposed he didn't deserve closure…

"To have the chance to just talk to him for a little while. That's why I hope, wherever he is, that he can hear us." Mikey nasally admitted with a shrug, wiping his arm across his snout where his nose began dripping.

Leo swallowed thickly, hands turning into fists as his eyes gravitated to his brother's headstone.

"...but I'm sure he's still here and he's watching over us." the words were choked and small but Leo understood them, "…I love you, Raphie." Mikey continued in a sob and Leo pulled him to his chest and held him as he cried.

Leonardo's vision gravitated toward the dirt where Raphael lay underneath, the pain of this new reality stifling. These last few months were hell and it was apparent while they may be more bearable, nothing would ever be easier let alone the same ever again.

"Love you too, Raph." Leo mouthed as he pulled Mikey in closer to his chest.

* * *

"Thanks for your help, Donnie." April said while placing the final stack of clean dishes back into the cabinet.

"Sure." Donatello replied with a shrug, rubbing at his sore neck from one too many nights falling asleep at his desk. "So, did you need anything else?" he continued after a long moment of tense silence. Their relationship took a hefty shift after Raphael's death. Their close friendship was almost dissolved; the guilt April carried for her role and Donnie's anger stemming from the whole incident was still an obstacle the two were trying to jump over but the hurdle still seemed too impassable.

"No, thanks."

"You sure?" Donatello asked, looking over to the redhead where she began sweeping the floor.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Thanks, Donnie." she replied; a patient smile on her face yet it didn't quite reach her eyes.

Donnie just gave her a terse nod before he began to leave the room.

Upon reaching the cusp of the door frame, he stopped to look back at her for only a moment. Recalling their relationship before all of this took place. His obsession to gain her attention and his endless infatuation that controlled perhaps every main aspect of his life in a constant attempt to win her heart. A rather fruitless task if there was one. For the second Raphael died, nothing of the sort seemed to matter anymore. Losing his older brother was a brutal stab to the heart and the rupture in his and Raphael's relationship was the same girl. Those final months that Donnie ignored him and gave him the cold shoulder were brought front and center, and it hurt terribly.

So much lost time and effort for nothing that mattered at all now. Instead, he was forced to live in this hell with one dead brother and a family falling apart at the seams. Being cordial to the girl that had a part in his brother's untimely death. Even though he'd ultimately forgave her and knew it wasn't necessarily her fault, it still hurt.

One thing was certain at this point. Life was now changed forever. An irrevocable shift in the fabric of their lives that could never fully regain its former stability. There would always be this hole that wouldn't go away and like it or not, April would always be responsible in his mind. Own guilt at how he treated Raphael in the last few months of his life the final weight that would never lift itself off his chest. A life he was going to have to live out; to strive forward as best as he could.

The girl that once set his heart aflame and palms to sweat was different just as much as he was. Gone were the days of chasing after her and making her things to gain her attention. Dissipated times in which he'd give anything to cause her to smile. It was nothing but a distant memory tainted by Raphael's blood and sacrifice that would never dissolve. So, while he was fully ready to accept his own twisted role and his forgiveness and promise to be cordial to April, Donnie knew his and April's relationship would never be the same, and honestly, he was okay with that…

Without another glance, he left the room.

* * *

 


	29. Obligations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A recent crime waves calls the grieving family back home sooner than anticipated…

* * *

It didn't happen all at once.

Splinter had been quietly going about his normal evening. Setting down upon the sofa with a hot cup of tea in hands when something caught his attention. The bright flashes and low rumbling voices coming from the brightly lit television. Currently playing right now was the local news; the male reporter seemed more than a little frazzled as he spoke about the recent crime wave in the city. Placing down his tea when he realized the location was one that Splinter and his sons knew all too well.

The heart of the city, downtown New York. While it had always been a notorious source of crime, these past few months it had become noticeably worse. Purple Dragon hot spots were flourishing with criminal activity and known Foot Clan attacks were on the ever-increasing rise even in some of the safer areas of town.

Unwillingly, Splinter continued to listen. The reporter continued, speaking about the police not being able to keep up with all of it and were running ragged. Other forces being called in to help, yet it didn't seem to be working too well. Civilians…innocent citizens had been hurt…some had even been killed. Another punch in the gut when they showed pictures of the casualties. Honorable men and women dying from protecting their business or family from being taken advantage of. It was getting tragically bad and it made the elderly rat grow nauseous at just how bad it had gotten. Just another thing to keep him up at night…

Long story short, this recent crime wave had been going on for quite some time and it was only getting worse.

A sense of responsibility was not one to be taken lightly and only after their three month absence, it was as if it was beginning to rear its ugly head. Him and his sons had been protecting the city for so many years; it was only obvious their unannounced absence would soon have a ripple effect. Lack of their patrols and the fact they hadn't been there to keep peace was beginning to make the activity get out of control. An epidemic of sorts was infiltrating their beloved city and it was only going to get worse.

A part of him sort of knew it would eventually happen, but he could have never known how soon it would take place…

A shaking paw reached for the television remote, switching it off to leave himself in a dark room. For the first few moments, he remained quiet; mind a torrent of random emotions that started barreling into his chest. There was still a constant ache caused by Raphael's death, but what became more overwhelming was the guilt. A sense of justice he'd been ignoring for far too long.

Himself and sons had been here for over three months. The air almost stagnant and it seemed to be in an almost standstill of sorts. It felt like an eternity already. Leaving them little to focus on other than grief and their own loss in face of it all; ultimately forgetting their place and their responsibilities and obligations…

They were ninjas.

Born and bred through strife and overcoming obstacles that may been impassible to anyone other than themselves. A life full of hardships and few victories they had very little time to relish. Battling crime and those who dared break the law; to protect the city and its citizen from the evils that wanted to destroy them. While it wasn't easy or perfect by any means, it was a life they enjoyed because they did it together. A team effort to bring criminals to their knees and pull the rugs out from under them. A victorious feeling by ding good even if they never got credit or recognition for it. They were ultimately okay with that. It was its own reward to do a service to the people and now they were letting all that work slip between their fingers.

Splinter let out a sigh. Thinking about his Raphael. How he'd react to this news of criminals infiltrating the city and its people. Could almost hear his raspy voice and the disdain dripping out like venom. Needing to go "crack some skulls and beat those jerks up" as Raphael would say it. An almost smile inching up Splinter's face at the thought. It was almost easy anymore; the pain of loss so familiar like an old friend.

It was all too easy to grasp and hold onto it like a lifeline. To keep them here and stagnant from going on with life; to curl up in bed and just sleep days away…

Yet, he knew in his heart of hearts that Raphael would never want it that way.

Could hear and see his son's anger at their perceived laziness, lack of training o working-out and just allowing their own grief hold them back from their ultimate goals in life.

Obligations. sworn duty to the city and its citizens. None of this seemed to mean much after the death of his beloved son but slowly, it began to echo throughout his mind as he thought more off what Raphael would have wanted. How his hotheaded son would feel about this entire situation and how they were handling it. How they'd chosen to stay here for this long period of time wallowing in their own grief and pain rather than even fathoming what may be occurring back in the city.

This was a wake-up call if there ever was one.

Splinter could almost hear his son's voice; picturing him standing across from him asking, _"What do you think yer still doin' here, dad? Can't cha see they need us?"_

While his son was unbelievably stubborn and hotheaded, angry and spiteful at times, there was no one more honorable and loyal than Raphael. His sincerity and love he had for New York and its citizens far outweighed what he thought Raphael to be capable of. A sense of honor and protectiveness he had been instilled from a very young age had lasted until his final day on Earth. Raph would want them to move on; to fulfill their duties. Raphael had died for that very code he held so dearly. To protect those who needed it; stand up for those against any who would want to cause them harm…

It all seemed too clear now; almost overwhelming the more he thought about it.

Splinter's eyes misted up; blurry dark shapes forming in his eyes as he stared down at his own shaking hands. In some way, he felt as if he was betraying his son by being here for so long. Pushing aside the city's needs and safety for his own selfish reasons; wanting to grieve, to never leave and just wallow in his own pain and misery for whatever remained of his life.

… _Raphael would_ _ **never**_ _have wanted it that way…_

His red-banded son would have told them to get over it; to go back and do what they had to in order to keep the citizens of their beloved city safe. Raphael would have told them to move on; be strong, persevere throughout and never, **ever** give up…

* * *

_The first time he heard Raphael say that, he wasn't more than seven; struggling with learning new katas and keeping up with Leonardo. Creating a nitch for himself; honing his growing abilities by spending hours practicing over and over again. Splinter warned him to be careful, to not take unnecessary risks, but it all seemed for naught. An accident occurred, Raphael cut himself up pretty bad on a set of katanas he was trying to learn._

_As Splinter was patching him up, he gave his normal spiel about being careful and stop being so reckless with weapons he wasn't used to. Raphael just sat quietly, reluctantly having to listen as the gauze and tape was being applied to his bleeding hand. Splinter hated being hard on him; he really did. Raphael had so much potential. He was strong, vibrant, street-smart, and if he applied himself properly, he could be an amazing ninja at such a young age. It was so frustrating to deal with at times because try as he might to tell him, Raphael insisted on doing things his own way through trial and error without doing much to listen to reasoning._

_It was one of the many wrenches thrown into Splinter's plans for his sons and Raphael seemed to be the only one of the four that insisted on doing things his own way._

" _I_ _ **know**_ _, dad!" Raph grumbled, wiping an arm across his nose. His young voice already showcasing its raspy qualities even if it was just grumbled out as nothing more than a terse whisper._

" _My son, I'm only telling you this so you can do better next time!" Splinter sighed, hating how his voice showed the aggravation in his tired bones. Having four young boys with way too much energy was draining enough without having to deal with a head-strong rebellious Raphael._

" _I was doing better! The stupid handle slipped!" the young turtle said as an excuse; one Splinter had heard multiple times before._

" _It slipped last time as well, Raphael." Splinter calmly stated while pulling his hands away from finishing wrapping up his wound._

" _Yeah, but I was able to do it longer dis time around!" Raphael argued with a slight lisp caused by a few missing baby teeth._

" _I warned you about using weapons you are unfamiliar with."_

" _Dad, I told you! I wanted to try something new!"_

" _Raphael, you must be handling your sais perfectly before you try other weapons!" Splinter began to grow aggravated as he tossed the remainder of supplies into the scratched metal tin that held their first-aid supplies._

" _But dad!"_

" _No, 'buts' Raphael, you are not to use weapons I have no assigned to you."_

" _But,why?!" his red-banded son shouted, standing as tall as he could on his short legs and trying to intimidate his much taller father._

" _You told me that ninjas are versatile! They work to achieve the same goal through any means necessary! Never_ _ **once**_ _are you supposed to give up!" the words were his own; teachings being repeated back by his seven year old rebellious son. Brown eyes widened as he stared into the determined green stare._

_At first, Splinter felt more frustration rising to his gut; hating how Raphael further warranted his bad behavior but his more fatherly side had calmed his breathing._

_Staring down at his rebellious child, his face softened. Demeanor calming, his furry lips pursed before he spoke._

" _You're right."_

" _No! I knew you'd -" Raph started angrily before his face fell in realization of his father's words. "Wait…what?"_

" _You're right." Splinter reiterated with a shrug before moving a paw to rest on his son's shoulder. "You're right. I guess I'm just upset because you hurt yourself is all."_

_Raph's small face fell into a pout as he rubbed anxiously around the white gauze that covered his hand. "I guess I shoulda been more careful." he quietly admitted._

" _That's all I ask."_

" _So…it's okay that I keep trying these new weapons?"_

_Splinter let out a long-winded sigh before answering, "Yes. As long as you are more careful."_

" _Awesome! I'm not gonna give up, dad! I promise!" Raph said with more enthusiasm than Splinter was expecting. Going as far as to give his middle a tight hug before quickly releasing. Such displays of affection from Raphael were incredibly rare but welcomed eagerly by his father._

_A smile lifted his lips when he pulled away but it fell quickly again when Raphael suddenly bounded to his feet and grabbed up the weapon and began running toward the dojo._

" _No, Raphael! Not now!" he said fruitlessly as he tried to chase the rambunctious turtle._

* * *

Allowing the memory to wash over him, Splinter languished it. Treasured those glimpses of back in time in his mind's eye. Enjoying seeing his son alive and well in those fragments caught in time that he loved so much. Wiping his paw over his wet eyes, a true smile pulled at the corners of his mouth for the first time in seemed to be forever. Almost perfectly, he could hear his son's voice ringing in his ears. Voice as strong as ever as he spoke it with all the confidence in the world. Bright chartreuse eyes sparkling with such incredible light and happiness…

Yes, it hurt, it was so painful to lose his son but if Raphael had taught him anything, it was to never give up…and that was just what he was going to do. He and his sons had an obligation to keep the city safe, and while they were still struggling with Raphael's loss, he knew they had to go back.

With that realization dawning on him, Splinter stood up to seek out his family.

* * *

 


	30. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group leaves Northampton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. I was supposed to submit this last week but I completely forgot. Forgive me. :-p

* * *

It was the next morning when Splinter finally drummed up the courage to approach them.

The four sat upon the various couches; April and Donnie with cups of coffee, Leo with a small half-eaten bowl of oatmeal, and Mikey with a plate of jellied toast of which he had barely nibbled on.

The sight was a welcomed one; them somewhat eating and being together was better than their previous aloofness and separation as of late. For a split second, he was uncertain if he wanted to break up this moment but something in his chest knew seeing them all in one room together was one that didn't happen too often…and there truly was no time like the present…

"Fa-amily..." Splinter spoke, cringing how his voice cracked for a moment.

All eyes went from the muted glow of the television to Splinter.

"Good Morning, Sensei." Leo spoke respectfully.

Donnie gave him a polite nod and smile and Mikey looked up to him as he approached.

"D-Did you need anything to drink or eat, Splinter?" April asked and while her demeanor seemed pleasant, there was an underlying cloud of despair that seemed to always be over her. She hid her pain well but the veil was quickly wearing thin. He worried deeply for her.

"No thank you, Miss April." The ninjitsu master's hands were shaking as he took a seat by the chair; reaching over to turn the television off before speaking words none of them fully expected.

"I-I think it's best that we leave soon."

The look plastered on everyone's face was of shock and awe, but there was an underlying question that reigned on most of their faces - _**Why?**_

It was so great Splinter felt compelled to answer it.

"After much meditation and reflection, I came to the conclusion that three months is enough. R-Raphael was never one to just lie down and give up. He would have strove on and continued fighting even in the worst of pain" Splinter's voice broke for a second as he said it, "…So we should do the same. I-I think it's about time that we went back to the city."

The only response Splinter got was a room filled with silence.

Donnie's head slightly lowered in acceptance.

There were so many things he wanted to say. Logical reasoning as to why that wasn't a good idea flooded his subconscious. They were out of shape for one. Going back to resume their normal life of patrol and ninjitsu training wasn't going to be easy or possible in their sad state. They'd lost weight, their diet not up to their normal healthy standards, and the sheer grief they were still dealing with was an almost astronomical hurtle to jump over… Donnie was unsure if it could even be done, yet his mouth stayed shut.

"Dad, I-I don't think we can. I don't know if that's a good idea!" Leo suddenly spoke; voice vibrating slightly as it came out. "We haven't trained in **months**. How are we going to continue our patrols and training after this? I - we…how?" Leonardo stammered, a nervous hand itching at his mask.

"We won't right away. I'm not asking that of you, I-I just think we need to go home and _try_ to resume a normal life." Splinter explained, hands up in a placating motion."That's all I ask, but I will honor your suggestions as well."

April sat quietly, pinching frantically at the flesh of her thighs in an attempt to quell the rise of tears burning the back of her eyes. The news was not any she was expecting and truthfully, couldn't accept at this point. Being here, staying busy was the only way she was able to function and now going back? Having to resume school and life like nothing happened? She wasn't sure if that was even possible…

"Do you…really think that's best, Sensei?" Leonardo asked.

"...Yes." Splinter replied with shaky assurance, "I-I think it's time we started moving forward instead of remaining stagnant."

Leonardo took a deep breath; hating how his heart began palpitating painfully in his chest. Going back meant going home. Home meant way too memories of Raphael. All his belongings gathering dust; room empty and unused. It would hit home that Raph was really gone and never coming back. Left with tattered remains of a life taken far too soon.

"Is this because of the crime wave happening back in the city, Sensei?" Donatello spoke for the first time; careful to notice how Mikey leaned closer to him as if seeking comfort or reassurance. He placed his arm over the youngest brother's shoulders in hopes that would be enough for now.

"Partly, yes. Crime has run rampant but that's not the only reason. We need to regroup, retrain, and move on all in time. I think going back home would be the first step. We'll still take it slow but I think we've been here long enough." Splinter answered calmly, stretching a paw out to caress Mikey's shaking shoulder.

The youngest was more or less in a daze; vision locked onto his lap as he listened to the conversation going around him. There were no thoughts, only pain that echoed into every fiber in his body. Leaving this beautiful place and all its distractions would be next to impossible; especially leaving behind Raph. Mikey suddenly began shaking and Donnie suddenly wrapped his arms around him as hot tears began leaking down the youngest turtle's face.

"Mikey…" April gasped slightly as the youngest began sobbing into his genius brother's chest.

"I'm sorry, my son, but I think it's for the best…" Splinter tried desperately to comfort him; getting off the chair and kneeling down next to him. Paws quivering slightly as they enveloped Michelangelo in a warm hug. "I believe it is what Raphael wants…I wouldn't be doing this if I did not believe it was the right thing to do, my son. I promise…"

"I-I-I know, dad…I just…" Mikey whimpered into Splinter's throat, "It's just gonna be hard to leave."

The room grew quiet except the sounds of Mikey's shuttering breath. It was a sober realization and acceptance of change none of which were completely willing to accept but knew it had to be done. A silence in which each of the occupants knew life from this moment wouldn't be the same; hadn't since Raphael's passing, and it was yet to change again.

A shift, a move in which signified with certainty the horrible reality that they lost a loved one and they _had_ to go on without him. It was time to move on whether they wanted to or not. While their world had stopped three months ago, it didn't change the fact the world was still spinning, sun rising and setting, time ticking by with the hands of the clock. The calender days were indeed being checked off and seasons were changing - life went on regardless of the hell they were reluctantly thrust into.

Time didn't get to stop for those who grieve; it only made the passage of the time all the more painful.

As easy as it would be to give up; to live the remainder of their lives here in peaceful tranquility, it was not meant to be. There was a city that still required their services; needed their protection more than ever. Yes, indeed they would need to go on without a vital member to their team. Learn to fight without a fourth party there to count on; deal without their strong brother who was never afraid to run into a burning building; hold up the front, set off traps and always being the last one out. The one who watched their backs; muscled their way through all too many seemingly impassable obstacles.

None would lie - it would _**never**_ be the same.

Raphael left this hole that would never be filled. An unmistakably viable asset they would realize its absence almost constantly. They would never be a complete team anymore; forcing them to learn to fight with only three instead of an even four. Tactics changing and shifting like grains of sand on a beach, learning to fill in Raphael's spot the best they could to account for the loss but it seemed impossible at this time to even fathom having to fight without him…

It was painful, horrible, but necessary at this point.

As soon as Mikey's cries ebbed away, Splinter relinquished his hold; moving his paw to lovingly wipe away the tears that still stained his youngest son's cheeks. The pain was visceral in the room. They were all hurting in ways they never expected to and to be honest, he knew it would never be easy.

"It will be difficult to leave, but we must."

"...I know, dad," Mikey sniffled, burying his face into his father's robes if only to hide his face for a moment. "It's what Raphie would want…"

Although true, it didn't make the accompanying pain any easier to take…

* * *

It was three days later when they finally finished packing.

Cleaning and preparing the house for future visits and making sure all their necessities were taken care of before they began packing up the Shellraiser. A few bags and boxes were pushed into the back; the squawk of the chicken's absence noted as they walked back and forth to and from the cabin. (April had reluctantly sold them to a distant neighbor when they knew the sewer nor her apartment were optimum places for the feathered creatures.)

It was particularly somber as Donatello assisted April in shutting off the water and generators. The genius packing up the remains of the chamber and gurney that housed Raphael's body for a time. Particularly hard to burn the sheet that covered him even if it had to be done.

"Is that everything?" April suddenly asked, breaking Donnie out of his painful memories.

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure. I'll walk around the cabin once more to make sure but I think that's about it." Donnie answered lowly as he closed the Shellraiser's backdoor and turned to look at the redhead behind him.

"Okay." she replied with a shrug before moving to the front to climb in the van.

Splinter and Leo were carrying a few blankets and pillows out as Donnie re-entered the cabin for the last time. Upon entering, he saw Mikey standing in the cusp of the living room; staring out at the interior of the cabin. At first, he ignored him in favor of making sure everything was in order but once he was done, Mikey had only moved toward the front door, looking out through the tattered screen.

"Mike?" Donnie asked, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah…" the youngest muttered back.

"I-I need to lock up, Mike." Donatello replied, placing what he hoped was a comforting hand on his thinning shoulder.

"Oh. Okay." Mikey replied easily, slowly moving through the door and to the porch as Donatello pulled out the keys from a pouch to close up behind them.

Michelangelo silently continued down the stairs, his eyes drifting toward the large oak tree; the familiar plaque and mound of dirt underneath. A sight that he would never quite get used to. A place he spent so much time these last three months; a place that held so much pain and comfort at the same time… Bringing home the uncomfortable realization that his big brother was gone. _Raphael_. A brother he considered himself to be closest to was really _never_ coming back…

Donnie had reluctantly passed Mikey and moved to the van. Hoping the youngest just needed a few more minutes and it appeared as if he was right when Mikey began to move toward the Shellraiser but as soon as he got to the side door, he stopped.

The youngest turtle stood there at the door for a long drawn out moment as he looked back upon the cabin, trees, lake, and again toward plaque and grave underneath the large oak tree. Everything inside of him didn't want to leave; downright refused to leave his big brother all alone here.

Yet another side could almost hear Raph telling him to go. To keep their promise to protect the citizens of New York; to go home and fulfill their childhood promises.

The group remained silent as Mikey suddenly moved; walking toward Raph's grave and no one dared utter a word or attempted to stop him.

Michelangelo fell to his knees in front of the stone; the smooth plaque etched with Raphael's name and the dates of his birth and death. A strange sight he still could hardly fathom. There was so much that felt unreal; a nightmare in which he hoped he'd soon wake up from...but a part of him accepted that it simply would never happen.

A shaking hand went to run a hand over the words and dates.

This was reality…and Raphael was really gone...

Without his permission, so many memories flooded in. Like a movie or picture book; these glimpses of happier moments. Four brothers growing up, being kids, and all the adventures it entailed. A beautiful time. Relative ease to spend their days running around, playing tag, swimming in the clean cisterns under Splinter's careful watch. Becoming ninjas; training, learning their weapons, and ultimately, how to fight as a team. Scattered flashes and pictures in his minds eye of times long since passed and never to truly be regained.

Mikey silently remembered Raphael.

A brother who would become his best friend; their various interactions ranging from full on brawl to being comforted and held by the red-banded terrapin when nightmares plagued his sleep. Arms open and understanding; never judging him as he curled up next to him in bed even in their later years. Raphael was _always_ there. Mikey was still trying to accept the fact that he wouldn't be anymore. He'd gotten used and took for granted all those moments as well as their friendship that went beyond their brotherly one.

They had a bond few understood.

Raphael was the brother he could tell anything to without fear of being judged. Raph would happily take a punishment when they got caught goofing off or doing something particularly dangerous or even illegal in some cases. Of course, there were arguments and disagreements but at the end of the day, they were still brothers and best friends. Still as close as can be even if Raphael had a hard time saying it.

"I love you" was never much in Raphael's vocabulary. Neither was "Please" or "Thank You" but that's beside the point.

Mikey could count on one hand how many times he'd heard Raph say those three words at once and it was understandable the more you got to know him; wasn't much for words or long drawn out conversations at all. What Raphael flourished with though was his actions which always spoke louder than words. Raph didn't have to say he loved you because he showed it often in ways few understood.

Raph was the first one in, last one out.

Always watching your back and protecting you without you ever knowing it. He may say rude things to your face and his endless supply of sarcasm was only a defense against you seeing how much he truly cared. There was never a doubt that Raphael loved his brothers more than anything; than anyone…

…and now…it hurt like hell that now…he was gone forever.

That strong brother he relied on for most of his life was brutally ripped away; faded and disappeared like sand through the large gaps in his fingers. Lost adrift amongst these tsunami waves of grief and pain that seemed to multiply by the day. It was hard not to just allow it to suffocate him and drag him under its depths but the one thing that kept him adrift was Raphael.

Words spoken, friendship and love so visceral that allowing his grief to swallow him wasn't an option…because it was the last thing Raphael would want. Raph would want him to move on, to push forward without him. Wallowing in sorrow would not be approved and Mikey could even hear his brother's admonishing voice now.

"You'll be fine, Mike. Now stop yer cryin'!" were some of Raph's favorites and they seemed somehow fitting here.

Yes, it hurt.

It would **always** hurt.

There wasn't anything or anyone that could ever fill the spot Raphael left in their hearts and lives. Why would he even try? Yet, as much as his chest and mind ached with the reality his brother was dead; there was also a comfort in his memories. Knew that somewhere, Raph was still around; watching and protecting them from afar.

Mikey was certain of it.

Sure, he still wasn't exactly sure how he was going to move on; how any of them could fathom pushing throughout all of it in one piece but he knew they had to try.

It's what Raphael would want and he dared not let him down…

"I love you, Raphie." Mikey stated firmly, his voice refusing to crack as he brushed off a few specks of dirt that littered his brother's gravestone. There was more he wanted to say but found himself unable to say any more. He wanted to be strong; to make Raphael proud and for some reason, he knew Raph already was.

A final brush of his hand over the cool stone before Mikey stood to his feet. Staring silently at the spot his brother lay before gravitating toward the surrounding area. So lush and beautiful; serene and peaceful. Raph was lucky to be in such a place and Mikey hoped that whoever was in charge of his burial however long from now, would place him by Raph's side.

Michelangelo swallowed a thick lump; refusing to allow tears to fall right now. His lips wanted to say goodbye but it was just too final; too painful.

"See you later, bro." he said instead.

Without another glance back, Mikey swiftly walked to the Shellraiser and jumped in the back with his father and Donnie. Careful to avoid their eyes as he awaited the movement of the vehicle.

Once Mikey was in and everyone settled, Leo put the keys into the ignition and the vehicle came to life with a turn of the keys. The leader checked the mirror's position and put on his seat-belt. Then they were off.

April was silent as she fastened her seat-belt from her spot in the front passenger seat next to Leo. Desperate to hide her internal grief, the redhead pulled her hood over her head and turned to face toward the window where she could see her reflection. Looking beyond it, she was faced with the rear-view window; Northampton growing farther and father in the distance. Emotions rising in her throat, she buried her face in her sleeve and quietly sobbed. Silent tears streaming down her face as Northampton disappeared and if it was at all possible for her heart could break anymore - it did…

* * *


	31. Life Goes On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next months are long and hard and it's apparent time does not heal all wounds.

* * *

Being back at the lair after the funeral was an adjustment for everyone.

Splinter didn't want to send out his sons back into doing patrol in horrible fear that he'd lose them too. It took at least a month before any of them dared venture out; not because they wanted to but they had an obligation to uphold. Innocent lives to protect and as much as they'd love to stay in the sewers and mope about their brother's death forever; each and every one of them knew that was the last thing Raphael would want.

At first, it was nearly impossible to figure out how to do any attack; their faith shaken and missing such a vital part of their team wasn't easy. Raphael prided himself on being first one in, last one out and now, they didn't have that anymore. They all ran in blindly and many a time, set off traps that had them escaping by the skin of their teeth. They'd go home, regroup, go out again, but nothing seemed to really work.

Everything felt off and even training never seemed out pan out anymore - they were literally uneven now…

The brother's persevered though, defeating enemies with new allies.

Slash, or Spike as Raphael used to so lovingly called him, reluctantly helped them as much as he could. Telling the large mutant his once-owner was gone wasn't easy; neither of them ever thought they'd witnessed the seemingly heartless Slash fall to his knees and cry over the loss of his once owner...

Leatherhead was saddened by their loss; spending time with Splinter to try and uplift his spirits in any way he could.

The mutanimals were helpful and tried to keep patrolling in the turtle's place when grief just didn't allow the brothers to function as a team much anymore.

* * *

Leo varied between the strength of an unmovable rock to falling apart like a house made of straw; held together by floss and thrown into the eye of a F5 tornado. His training the only thing keeping him sane for the time that followed since his brother's untimely death. He strove to make up for lost time; to take care of his family and protect them in Raphael's steed. The job was not one he wanted but needed to do; to honor his brother and make sure his family had their leader back.

It was a tormenting hell he had to live with but he made due…

* * *

Donatello seemed to be the most adjusted of his brothers. Getting far too little sleep to bury himself in work to keep his mind occupied. It fell apart whenever his eye would catch the red motorcycle in the corner of his one Raphael tirelessly worked on for months. A normal presence in his lap that Donatello took for granted far too often. In these moments, he would have done anything for five more minutes in quiet serenity; the only sounds of Raphael working on that very motorcycle…but now all he had was silence.

In those moments he saw it, those painful memories all just came flooding back.

Donnie hated to do so, but he covered it and placed it in the far corner of the garage behind some long lost projects. Out of sight, out of mind didn't help for long; there were still the days he find himself calling for Raph for help in one thing or another and he froze for a long moment. It was like ripping a scar off; the new found pain accompanying something you tried to forget about resurfacing took him by surprise most of the time. He cried then; harsh hot tears falling in the quiet of his lab but he made sure to hide them from his family at all costs.

* * *

Mikey was more or less the same since the night his brother died. Quiet; withdrawn and still struggled with maintaining his weight. Losing all taste for foods he used to love; gone were the days of him in the kitchen and cooking for hours on end. Days consisted of staying in Raphael's room; sleeping, crying, and staring at the wall or a blank television.

The charismatic happy nature had been snatched from him as if it wasn't there.

Everyone around him feared that it was gone for good…

* * *

April slowly adjusted. Skipping school for nearly two months set her back a lot and she had a hard time getting readjusted. There were days she'd break down in the middle of a lecture, running out of the room and not returning the rest of the day. All she told her teachers and peers was that she tragically lost one of her best friends and that seemed to be enough to appease them. Other than that, April withdrew in on herself; only speaking when spoken to and weekends that used to be filled with watching movies, playing video games, or having dinner with the turtles boiled down to her spending them alone in her room; sleeping or watching mindless television.

The one thing that kept April going was the promise she'd made to Raphael the night before they buried him.

Needing to keep it, she found herself once a week going shopping and taking the groceries to the turtles. Donnie or Splinter would readily thank her but if Mikey or Leo were there, they were more or less quiet and just gave a nod or hand gesture before she awkwardly left without another word. Everything had changed...and April wasn't sure how to deal with it.

Going home and falling apart in her room was now a norm; the physical weight of Raphael's loss a permanent strain on her chest.

* * *

Casey put his heart and soul into his new job in Boston.

His calls and texts to the turtles or April were rare but the important thing was that he was moving on probably the best out of all of them. At least that's what he wanted them to believe. For the only reason he didn't keep in more contact was that he was forced to remember; forced to confront the fact of everything and everyone he left behind back in New York.

Nevertheless, he went back to work.

* * *

_Time passed.…_

_Hours_

_Days_

_Months…_

April continued to be there for them as she struggled to pick up the pieces of her own shattered heart.

Splinter pushed back his own pain to watch over his sons; determined to keep them safe for he dared not lose another one.

Leonardo fought on; was even there when someone he still wasn't sure how to feel about, Karai, was mutated into part snake.

Donnie went about spending hours on the anti-mutagen to change her back; mostly just to keep his mind occupied.

Mikey barely cracked a smile when he met Renet.

There were a few times Mikey seemed to be improving. Barely smiling when April would later arrive with his new favorite snack, Fruit Roll-Ups, and he'd sit with his father and brothers to watch a movie.

It was these little moments that brought them together but simultaneously hit them all the hardest. One of their eyes looking toward their deceased brother's favorite beanbag gathering dust. None of them having the heart to put it away. Thinking about how he should be here. If they listened hard enough they could even picture him saying sardonic, sarcastic comments toward the movie they were watching...until they realized they were forgetting what exactly his voice sounded like.

A bitter pill to swallow to say the least. Life a jigsaw puzzle with a few pieces missing never to be completed or nothing to fill the holes in any of them. There was a space that festered and scarred over numerous times and it was apparent it wasn't going to change...

_Life went on...but time did not seem to be healing these wounds..._

* * *

 


	32. Adjustment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who knew the most mundane things could trigger the most painful memories?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This are two very short one-shots I loved and needed to include but they didn't fit anywhere else so I thought I'd just include them here.

* * *

Splinter's hands shook slightly; tended in his paws were their chipped plates gathered from many times dumpster diving and found on the outskirts of recycling facilities. The early years of life Splinter recalled collecting all of them meticulously as they made a home for him and his sons in the lair. Necessities and little things he took for granted as a human seemed like glorious luxuries now. How hard it had been to find plates for his family and how gingerly him and his sons had to treat them to make sure they lasted.

Almost subconsciously, he began setting the table, movements swift and familiar as he set down a plate at each spot for himself and his sons.

"Um…Sensei?" Donatello spoke, breaking the ninjitsu master out of his reverie.

Splinter froze for a moment above the table and looked down... Out of seemingly nowhere, his heart shattered.

5 place-mats, 5 plates, and 5 cups...when there was only need for four of them anymore.

Chest tightening, Splinter looked longingly at what used to be Raphael's spot. There were obvious marks from where little Spike used to claw and bite at their wooden table or where Raphael would etch a bit of art into it with his sais when he was younger.

Yoshi recalled disciplining him for that particular instance and now...the thought of it caused intense pain for now, he would give **anything** to see him do it again...

" _I'm sorry, Sensei._ _" a seven-year-old Raph sniffled loudly, moving his arm across his snout before standing straighter yet still refused to meet Splinter's eyes. Small head bowed and tiny fists trembling as he stood across from his angry father who was still learning to deal with his hotheaded son._

Yoshi silently recalled that moment - desperately wishing he'd handled it differently.

Willing give anything to go back; to scoop that precious boy into his arms and hold him tight...and this time, never let him go...

"Oh. Sorry. Force of habit." Splinter quietly muttered; using his vast recesses of training to keep his emotions at bay.

Paws trembling as he picked up the extra items until Raph's spot remained completely bare. He didn't move immediately, his eyes looking over the barely visible etchings in the wood before he placed the extras back into the cupboard and drawers and left the kitchen without another word.

Donnie watched in stunned silence as Splinter left the room. The genius let out a languid sigh before glancing at his hands where the silverware was placed and ready to be laid out. 5 forks, 5 spoons, and 5 butter knives…

Freezing a bit upon realizing he'd made the exact same mistake his father did.

"Yeah...force of habit..." Donnie muttered, placing the excess silverware to the side before setting the rest of the table.

* * *

Leonardo swiftly ran across the rooftop; feet quickly skirting over the harsh material under his feet. The wind biting as he jumped and landed atop the next building with hardened precision. Body a mass of muscle, blood, and flesh honed from years of meticulous training; his mind sharpened to the finest tip much like his swords…

Emotions were another matter entirely.

Annoying little inklings of regret and pain were never far from the forefront of his mind. Pinpricks of light breaking through dark clouds and were agonizing enough to want to drag him to his knees at times.

Everywhere Leonardo went, he swore there was always a flash of red in his peripheral.

Today was no different.

His mind cloudy and pained as he ran; a quick patrol to clear his head and keep himself from spending his days moping. It was one of the few things that kept him in check; kept him from completely caving into grief. Allowed him to be there for his family…

Suddenly, Leo turned a corner and he swore he saw Raphael's shadow skirt through his vision. Instead of feeding into the image, Leo ignored it. Feet moving faster as he leapt from building to building; refusing for his head to budge to the left or right. Forcing his eyes to stay straight; to not feed into his own delusions. A sudden whooshing noise filled his ear to his right and Leo could ignore it no longer.

Shifting his head to stare at the sound, he froze in his tracks.

Raphael was perched on the building over; tattered red hails flickering sporadically in the breeze, illuminating green eyes staring straight through him. There was a calmness on his face - the barest hints of a genuine smile pulling at his wide mouth. One that was rarely glimpsed in life and it shook Leonardo to his very core…

The image of seeing his dead little brother now alive - skin a rich emerald instead of ashen, eyes bright and filled with life - had his heart thumping painfully in his chest; pounding hard against his sternum as he stared at him. The more logical side of him knew it simply wasn't possible - that Raphael was indeed dead - but it all seemed far too real…

Leo's tongue was frozen to the bottom of his mouth.

Eyes burning with un-shed tears as he stared into Raphael's eyes; desperation pulling at him to speak, to go over there and hug him. Hold him close to him; feel his brother's warm scales underneath his fingertips. To tell him he loved him and missed him; that every day since his death had been a nearly unbearable hell on earth…

… _to beg and plead for him to stay…_

But Leo's mouth refused to move.

The need to blink was great; he barely even noticed when his body did it of his own accord but the split second they closed was enough.

The second they reopened, Raphael was gone…

Leo's head snapped this way and that hoping to catch a glimpse; that those few moments would return. That he would see Raphael alive and well…that this all was just some sick joke…His red-banded brother would be there smiling, shove at his shoulder and say, "Heh. I gotcha good, Fearless."

… _but it wasn't…_

Before he'd realized exactly what happened, Leo's knees hit the pavement with a harsh thud. Body shaking uncontrollably as he was hit with the dreadful reality again. Leo shook his head; trying to force his body from the ultimate breakdown. Doing his damnedest to stop from crying…but it was too late.

Leo let out a sharp cry into the night air; tears that burned the back of his eyes began trailing down his cheeks as he buried his face into his sodden hands and wept.

" **RAPHAEL!** " Leonardo screamed as he clawed desperately at the ground and fell completely apart.

* * *

 


	33. Sketchbook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April is given Raphael's sketchbook and what she finds inside takes her breath away and forces to confront what losing him really meant...

* * *

"Here, April..." Mikey's voice was small, the boisterous and fun in his voice had been completely sapped away as if it was never there. The sound of it always broke April's heart whenever she heard it; the absence of Mike's normal personality wasn't there anymore and April feared it would never be again.

"What is it, Mikey?" she asked, depositing the groceries on their counter-top as she did weekly.

"I found this in Raph's room by his magazines. I thought you might want it."

April's full attention was had by this point as she turned her body to face the youngest brother. In his hands rested a black leather bound sketchbook. She immediately recognized it as a present she'd given to Raph when she noticed the paper he usually drew on were scraps or not very good quality for the type of art he liked to do in his spare time.

So, one day, she surprised him with it...she still remembered the moment so well...

* * *

_Walking into the lair, April adjusted her backpack smoothly, wondering if Raphael would notice her wearing it on the weekend when she typically finished all her homework on Fridays._

_Blue eyes immediately seeking a flash of red, she saw it over the couches where Raph was quietly doing push-ups in front of the television. A feral grin rose to her face as she silently approached the turtle and depositing the book-bag on the couch, she unceremoniously ambled on top of his shell as he continued his workout. Her back pressed into his convex shell, April smiled, enjoying the sensation of him going up and down; not seeming to care or notice that she did it much anymore._

_It was almost the norm for him now._

" _Hey..." she finally spoke, lifting herself up a bit to see the side of his head._

" _What's up?" Raphael asked with a grunt as he pushed himself back up, her extra light weight probably akin to a feather to him._

" _Let's see...The ceiling, sky, birds, clouds...ya know, the usual." she replied cheekily and smiled when she noticed him shaking his head in response._

" _Your nitjitsu training is working but we desperately need to work on your jokes next. They're awful, O'Neil."_

" _I dunno. Does Splinter condone that kind of training?"_

" _Meh. I'm goin' off my own rule book now; and to be frank, ya need it." he replied dryly before laying down on his plastron which indicated to her that he was done and she should get off willingly before she was tossed off._

" _Hmm. Well I thought it was funny." she said, stepping off his carapace and plopping into a seated position onto the ground next to him._

" _You must be spending too much time with Mikey then." he shrugged, sitting next to her._

" _He's good company. At least_ _ **he**_ _laughs at my jokes."_

" _He laughs at anything." Raph responded snidely, his green eyes flicking over to the couch. "...You brought homework?" he continued in a confused tone before his eyes met hers._

" _Nope." she said, rising to her feet to retrieve the bag before sidling against him once more. It didn't even phase him anymore as her thigh brushed his. April made a show of opening the bag and when Raphael tried to peek inside, she held him back with her hand._

" _Nuh-uh! No peeking!" she admonished, waving a finger at him._

_Raph just pouted in response, his brows furrowed as he looked at her in disdain._

" _Now, close your eyes." she said with a barely held back smile._

_He responded by even looking more suspicious and asking,"Yeah right, it's probably a rubber cockroach yer gonna put on my head, arentcha?"_

" _Aren't you ever gonna live that down? It was one time, Raph!" April groaned._

" _One time too many..." he grumbled and she flashed him a look._

" _Raph, it's not a roach or any kind of bug. Please, just close your eyes. I promise you'll like it." she replied and looking at him she swore she thought she was going to have to keep begging but to her surprise, his green eyes slid closed._

_The redhead smiled, going back to the bag and swiftly took out the gift she had for him. Turning back to Raph she spoke again, "Okay, hold out both of your hands." she demanded and while he looked extremely apprehensive and uncomfortable about doing so, he did as she asked._

_April's heart warmed at the sight; just months ago, he never would have done anything of the sort. The first few months of knowing him, he was very distrusting of her; always wondering if she was going to end up betraying them. After growing more comfortable that she wouldn't, he tolerated her but they never were "friends" or hung out or even conversed one-on-one. Truthfully, it wasn't until Splinter demanded he train her that things changed._

_Raphael was her friend now; before when this turtle was nothing but an enigma to her, she now was so fond it him it almost surprised her. Spending so much one-on-one time with him when before, they barely had a conversation was something akin to a miracle. How he almost easily opened up to her and her to him; it was amazing to see the amount of trust he had toward her now. Completely trusting her..._

" _Any day now, O'Neil." he grumbled and April was sorely temped to bop him on the head with it instead especially since the thoughts she had toward him were so nice._

" _Fine." she growled, pushing the book into his hands._

_As soon as the book was there, Raph's green eyes reappeared and he immediately looked down at the black leather-bound sketchbook in his large green hands. The terrapin stared at it almost relevantly; his eyes scanning every single centimeter of the cover before he removed one hand from underneath it to tenderly stroke the leather. Deft fingers flipping the cover open and touching the off-white paper; the heavily textured material making a very satisfying sound as he ran his thumb over it._

_Green eyes suddenly met hers and April was taken aback to how easily she read them._

_While not the best with words, there was no doubt in her mind at just how grateful he was; didn't mean he was gonna try._

" _April, what...why'd ya...just..." he stuttered and April couldn't help but smile at hearing the normally brash turtle sound so adorably awkward._

" _I saw that you didn't have any nice sketchbooks; you're always using scrap paper to draw on and I dunno, I wanted you to give you some real stuff. Also, I got you some pencils and markers if you want to try -" she said with a smile when she suddenly was cut off; a gasp escaping from her lips when she suddenly found herself in his arms. The thickly muscled limbs embraced her for only a fraction of a second but seemed to be so out of character that it nearly took her breath away._

_Raph's eye weren't on her when he pulled away, instead, adoring the book in his hands with barely suppressed glee April's stomach flip-flopped in her gut for a reason unbeknownst to her._

" _Thanks." Raph said in a barely audible whisper, as if the word had never left his lips before and April wouldn't be surprised if that was the case._

" _You're welcome." she replied with a wide smile and he kept surprising her when he lifted his head and looked at her, something akin to a genuine smile lifting the corners of his mouth._

* * *

April's stomach lodged into her throat as she stared at the worn book in Mikey's outstretched hands. The memory so vivid; she could almost feel the warmth from his body and the sensation of his arms that wrapped around her for only a second...but it was still there.

"April?" Mikey asked lowly and her tear-stained blue eyes met his own.

With whatever fragile strength she had left, the redhead reached for the book and clasped her hands onto it and pulled it into her arms. April just stared at the cover for a long while, tracing each of the little nicks it got over time and the dust from charcoal or graphite smudged on the cover from its heavy use. Without realizing it, hot tears dripped down her face and upon the cover, her hands trembling as she cradled it close to her chest.

"Are you sure, Mike?" she whimpered as she looked deep into the terrapin's sky blue eyes.

Without answering verbally, the turtle nodded sadly, giving her a tight smile that hadn't reached his eyes since his brother's death.

"Thanks..." she whispered, April's eyes fell to the book and knew looking at it now wasn't the best idea.

Returning Mikey's tight smile, April left the lair with it in tow, not knowing what lay inside the pages until she made her way home.

* * *

Opening the cover was hard, hating that his fingerprints were being smudged as she began turning pages. The first few pages were the art she expected, high contrast buildings and a lot of gradient shadows, his ability to draw the city was incredible; his discernible talent to do such incredible detail work just showcased itself with these pages. As she continued, her eyes fell on figures, beautiful curvy women with long hair and plump lips; much like the woman painted on the side of the Shellraiser. Drawings of weapons and even a few of his brothers adorned other pages. It wasn't until a few turns of the paper later her chest nearly imploded as she stared at the page.

April looked back at herself on the page. Heart hammering as she took in a photo-realistic image of her own face; the detail of each freckle matching hers almost exactly. She hadn't realized her hand raised to cover her mouth until long moments later; staring at the soft marks of graphite creating her image with the abilities of classically trained artists...

Her shaking fingers left her mouth to turn the page, this image was her again, this time a full body shot; where she sat at the base of the tree in the dojo, where he had her meditating for at least thirty minutes a day. Recalling him moving about as if to distract her and giving her a harder time to concentrate; a training technique he liked to annoy her with. Little did she know what he did during that time...not believing it til she was looking at it on her lap.

More pages passed, each of them with her in different scenarios, one hitting her square in the chest. It was a night he spent at her place; Mikey driving him to the brink of insanity had him coming over. He knocked on her window and they spend that evening on the roof, just chatting and spending time underneath the stars. Her hair was down, her clothes just a tank top and her tattered sleeping shorts as she sat upon the edge of the roof staring out into the expanse of the sky and the city a backdrop. He hadn't drawn it that night of course, but the memory was vivid, his mind like a camera, recalling it and drawing it later on...

April let out a whimper as she stared at it; she thought she knew him...thought she knew each nuance and everything about him... She questioned if she knew him or cared to at all...

Recalling Casey's words at Raphael's funeral…

* * *

_"...he really liked you, ya know?" Casey spoke, not really sure why the words left his mouth. As much as he wanted to take Raph's secret to the grave for him; a part of him wanted April to know; hopefully ease her pain because he knew she felt solely responsible for Raph's death._

_But that wasn't the case…_

_Raphael cared enough about her to save her and if anything, that should comfort her. The reasoning is because after all, it was his choice and if she knew Raph as well as he believed she did, there was no force on Heaven or Earth that would stop him from doing so._

_"...what?" April gasped, her bloodshot eyes welling with tears._

_"He thought he hid it pretty good from you and me - not to mention Donnie."_

_"W-What are you talking about, Casey?" April asked, a desperate whimper escaping from her lips._

_"Heh...Raph... He was fuckin' crazy about you, April..." Casey chuckled, meeting her eyes; the barest hints of a smile lifting the corners of his mouth. Not even noticing the single tear that dripped down his cheek as he told her._

* * *

April would be lying if she said she didn't question its validity. Sure, why would Casey lie, but this was Raph - the guy who rarely showed emotion or any clue as to what his heart held. To hear this same turtle had been crushing on her this whole time made no sense...but to see this now... To see the work of his skilled hands on paper; to see her image drawn so perfectly by him just tore something precious out of her...To now know after his death that he kept it a secret this whole time just broke whatever sanity she had left...

Casey was telling the truth, and it hurt like fucking hell...

April began sobbing, pushing the book aside so she wouldn't stain it with her tears. She flopped onto her bed and pushed a pillow into her face; hoping her resounding cries would not awake her father who slept just in the next room. The agony was all-encompassing; like a physical pain piercing her heart; the icy vice grip around her organ causing more cries to tear from her tender throat and muffling into the pillow.

She missed him so much...and to know he liked her in that way only made it worse...

April had never even thought about it; it wasn't like Donnie or Casey who couldn't make it more obvious; Raphael silently dealing with living with it. Never intending on telling her...so many questions arising in her head; recalling all the time she spent with him in his last months...

Saving her life...by losing his own...

It broke her that now, this unbelievable friend was gone; dead because of her... To know his true feelings and knowing he wasn't there anymore for her to tell him that…that...

_...in some strange way she only noticed now -- she was certain she felt the same way..._

A sudden cry was wretched from her throat; loud sobs echoing throughout her room, April cried herself to sleep holding the sketchbook against her chest and mumbling his name under her breath.

* * *

 


	34. Visions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo confides in Splinter about his visions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one shot that had to address something that didn't particularly fit anywhere else.

* * *

"Sensei?" the voice was broken; not one Splinter associated with his eldest son in the least. It was a cry for help, one he knew Leonardo was never keen on using if he could help it.

This was the same boy who he worried about greatly since the passing of his second-eldest, Raphael. The one who was seemingly so unmovable; the same one he made leader but it was only since Raphael was taken brutally from this world when Splinter began to notice the cracks in Leo's facade. The pain Leonardo held back in order to appear stronger than he actually was - it hurt painfully to see it happen…

Splinter could do nothing but hold on to his remaining children so fiercely, so tightly in fear of losing them too. Fear was not something he was at accustomed to - meditated and trained tirelessly to let go of…but it hit him harder now. He was instead doing everything in his power to keep his children safe and in good spirits even if it was a near impossibility at this point.

… _It still didn't mean he couldn't try…_

"What is it, Leonardo?" Splinter asked; voice small and terse as he looked up from his seated position toward his eldest son.

"I, um…I…" Leonardo's voice quickly dissolved almost as soon as it appeared.

"Are you alright, my son?" Splinter's thick brows furrowed as he watched Leo.

Leonardo frankly looked terrified; almost lost for the remainder of the time he still stood near the entrance to the dojo.

Splinter was sorely tempted to approach to see exactly what may be the problem but Leo beat him to it. His son moved almost zombie-like toward his seated father before finally stopping a few feet in front of him.

"I…I'm seeing Raph…" Leo breathed out a second later as he collapsed to a seated position on the worn tatami mat.

From the closeness now, Splinter easily picked up the shaking in his hands and the quivering of his shoulders. Vibrant blue eyes dulled and red rimmed from either crying, stress, or lack of sleep but Splinter believed it was all three.

That wasn't what astonished him most though - it was his frantically-spoken words.

"...I'm sorry, what?" Splinter couldn't help but ask; not bothering to hide the confusion lacing his tired voice.

"Raph… I see him _everywhere_." Leo confessed; gulping and Splinter watched his Adam's apple bob with the motion.

"In my peripheral when I'm on my patrol. A-As if he's running by my side. It's either a flash of red or emerald green like his skin used to be. Maybe even the glint from his sais. I-I-It's driving me **crazy**! B-But every time I've been curious enough to look, there's _never_ anything there. It's just like being chased by a ghost or just my vivid imagination b-but just the other night, I kept seeing it. Just something in the corner of my eyes and I didn't want to at first, but then finally, I looked!"

Leo gasped for a second, hands shaking as he grasped at his temples with green fingers. _"…he was right there…"_ the turtle finally breathed out, chest heaving with his erratic breathing.

"..." Splinter listened intently, holding his breath as if it would deter him from absorbing every single syllable Leonardo stuttered out.

"...Raph was right _there_ , Sensei." his breath came out quick and fast; his eyes not really looking at anything but more lost in his head as he finally confessed. "Standing on the rooftop of an adjacent building. He was just - _looking_ at me. …it was as if he was right there made of flesh and blood - alive…warm... Even his mask tails were moving with the wind! It…it was so **real** …"

Splinter felt his heart twist in his chest as he listened to Leonardo's words; his mind's eye picking up exactly what his son was telling him. Desperately wishing he could see what Leonardo had seen if only for the opportunity to see his red-banded son alive again…even if for only a split-second.

"Raph didn't say anything; just stood there. He was… _smiling_ ; eyes brighter and skin healthier than I could ever remember it being…" Leo breathed out and seemingly without his knowledge, twin trails of tears began leaking from his cobalt eyes, darkening his blue mask as they slipped down his sharp cheekbones and onto the worn mats beneath.

"For a second I really believed he was there, dad…" Leo's voice broke as he continued, "…that perhaps these past months were a dream and…maybe he never left us - but as soon as I blinked, he was gone as if he was never there at all. It was as if died all over again."

Splinter stared at his son for a long time; desperate to reach forward to pull him into a hug, brush away the constant stream of tears but he found himself frozen. To say he was confused by his son's visions were a sore understatement; they spoke of a higher spiritual awareness Leo had never showcased before this moment.

The comfort that suddenly washed over him was the most positive thing he'd felt in a _**long**_ time…

Before he even realized he moved, Splinter's arms were wrapped around Leonardo's trembling shoulders; holding him as tightly as possible. Brown eyes closed tightly and allowing a few stray tears to drip down his furry cheeks and upon Leo's smooth dome.

"...Sensei?" Leonardo whimpered into his kimono.

"You are so _blessed_ , my son…"

Leonardo didn't answer; pulling away from the embrace and staring up at him with the saddest blue eyes Splinter recalled seeing in his eldest child.

"What do you mean ' _blessed'_?! This is a **curse** , Sensei! Having to see my dead brother _mocking_ me? Basically telling me from some other plane that he's disappointed that I didn't protect him? I wouldn't call that being blessed - that's the damn opposite!" Leo cursed; spatting out his anger with flaming eyes.

Splinter grew silent. More shocked at Leonardo's sudden anger and the pain lacing his tattered voice.

"...you believe Raphael is upset at you? Why would he blame you, Leonardo? You did nothing wrong…no one did."

Leo stared at him for an insurmountable amount of time. Mostly keeping silent aside from a few trembling breaths and tears that seeped out whenever he was forced to blink.

"I was supposed to protect him dad…I'm the Leader; the leader protects, shields, and guides… _and I failed him._ I should have been there. I never should have trusted him to train or help April to do patrol on his own…and because of that…" Leo whispered.

"… _ **he's gone…"**_

"...It wasn't your fault, Leonardo. It was **I** who put him in charge of Miss April… **I** was the one who believed she was ready and allowed her and Raphael to go patrol alone. If anyone is to blame for Raphael's death, other than that Foot Soldier who delivered the blow **…it's me**. You have no blood on your hands. It was no fault of your own took your brother's life. It was carelessness on my part and Raphael's protective nature that ultimately took him from us. It was _**not**_ your fault…"

"B-But…" Leo tried to argue but Splinter quieted him with a firm hand on his shoulder.

"...I believe that is why Raphael is appearing to you my son." Splinter confessed.

"...what?" Leo's voice was no louder than a mere whisper in a hurricane.

"I think Raphael is basically telling you that wherever he is, he is okay. Appearing to you happy and healthy - not dead or decaying. Smiling and alive like you remember. I think in his own way he's telling you…that it's going to be alright. Perhaps showing himself to you knowing how much you blame yourself - and how you shouldn't."

Leonardo's eyes fell; teary blue eyes focused on his lap as if staring off into some far off abyss.

A silence infiltrated the spacious room and the only noises were their combined breathing. It was a calmness almost; a sense of peace and understanding that neither had felt in what seemed to be an eternity.

"...do you really believe that?" Leo asked, voice tense and body loose as he finally met his father's eyes again. So much hope lacing those eyes; a desire to be told that that was indeed the truth.

Splinter remained silent for a moment; desperate to tell his son a resounding "yes" but something still held him back.

An almost jealousy that his son was seeing these beautiful miraculous things; seeing Raphael alive and well when Splinter's dreams and nightmares were plagued by the images of his dead son's body. Cold and lifeless, unresponsive when touched and spoken to. Images he never wished to see but haunted him regardless. Perhaps that was his punishment for his part in Raphael's death.

To be forever plagued with the harsh reality his carelessness as a Sensei ultimately cost him his beloved son's life. To be forever haunted by the images of his deceased son, to scarcely remember him in life aside from a few precious pictures he was able to procure through the years.

It was simply maddening to live with…but it was his burden, and his alone, to bear.

" **...Yes.** " Splinter finally answered; paw heavy as he placed it upon Leonardo's shoulder. Gently squeezing his son's cool flesh and was harshly reminded of the bitter cold flesh of Raphael's when he touched his dead son those many months ago. Splinter quietly and gently removed his paw; hoping none of his agony was showcased and by Leonardo's hopeful face, it appears he was successful.

An almost smile rose on Leo's lips; one Splinter hadn't seen in what may as well have been forever. A sense of calm and hope that lifted the weight off the world off his over-burdened shoulders. Seeing it was in a strange way his own sense of peace. That perhaps his eldest son would finally be able to start moving on; that perhaps appearing to Leonardo was Raphael's way of easing his worries and helping him go forward instead of remaining stagnant in grief.

"Thanks dad." Leonardo suddenly spoke; bowing slightly in reverence before standing to his feet and leaving the room with a head held much higher.

Splinter watched silently as Leonardo left; the softest knock of wood as the door slid shut behind him. Brown eyes glued to the spot for the longest time before he blinked; the image of his dead son still there as it always was since his death. Re-opening his eyes, he hoped he'd see what Leonardo had spoken about…

…perhaps one day he'd be fortunate enough to see it for himself…

* * *

 


End file.
